Bouquet of clumsy words; a simple melody. [entries|friends|calendar] davegunn [ website | MySpace. ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Say THANK YOU. [26 Nov 2009|05:00pm] [ mood | good ] GO VEGAN! GO VEGAN! GO VEGAN! GO VEGAN! It's so weird to think about how many people will have the corpse of an animal in the center of their table tonight, after ripping its asshole open and fisting it with a lubricant of stuffing. Only humans could think up such a barbaric and disgusting practice. And more so, we're celebrating just a fraction of the rape and pillaging of the 'Native' Americans who were here long before we were. Americans sure do love historical inaccuracies and excuses to shop, drink, and watch football! None of you should be celebrating Thanksgiving today. HOWEVER. You should celebrate, today, tomorrow, or every day for that matter, the things you have to be thankful for. It's the least you could do to honor the 45 million or more turkeys eaten today by Americans and the so-called 'Indians' who were enslaved, murdered, raped, and robbed back in the early 1600s when this holiday was created. I'm thankful for... Vegan food! Having a semi-sane relationship with my immediate family members! Being friends with my brother again! Eating more food than millions upon millions of people worldwide won't even see within a single year! The Internet! My improving social life and the people who actually want to get to know me! The tax-funded government checks I get that keep me afloat! The people who read this thing and give me a reason to write! My untainted and mature brain that I've never harmed with drugs of any kind! My yearning and unshakable ability to be who I am despite pressure and ridicule! Dropping out of school! Animals, trees, fields, sidewalks, cities, towns, libraries, and bugs! People who are nice enough to pick up hitchhikers or give a few bucks to a homeless person! Books, movies, and music! Bikes, iPods, and laptops! Girls willing to have sex with bearded chubby boys! My best friend Kara who will love me no matter what! My growing relationship with my father! Blankets and pillows! My kitty cats! Movie theaters, coffee shops, and places that serve tofu! People with the balls to go vegan! The straightedge for giving my anti-drug mentality a home! My limbs (I still have all of them)! Asthma inhalers that keep me alive! The fact that I'm disease- and handicap-free! Be fucking thankful, assholes. 31 comments|post comment

"If I had a gun and shot it at your face, would you promise not to get out of the way?" [25 Nov 2009|12:57am] [ mood | sore ] [ music | Empire! Empire!: "Keep What You Have Built Up Here" ] I haven't had time to update because I've done something with someone somewhere else besides in front of a laptop since last Wednesday. How fucking awesome is that? I think I'm coming down with swine flu again. And by 'swine flu', I mean I have a sore throat and heavy head and if I were to go to the doctor's about it, they'd jump to such a conclusion since everything is dismissed as swine flu nowadays. It's been a couple days since I've had my pills, because I haven't had time to get my refill, but I've actually been doing okay as long as I've stayed around people and doing things that make me laugh instead of doing nothing and having moments of silence enough to begin thinking too much. My mother and I spent three hours today hunting for Tofurkey. We heard rumors of there being some available at the Route 50 Hannaford, so we went there. They were sold out. So we called one in Niskayuna. Sold out. So we tried the Altamont Ave. Hannaford and the guy said there were two left and he'd set them aside for us. We got there and he only had one. We needed two, though. So then we had to drive all the way to Albany to get one from the Honest Weight Food Co-op. It was such an ordeal and I really wish all vegan food was in one fucking place. On the way home, I got a six-cut vegan pizza from Little Anthony's. It was yummy and made me feel better. Pizza is ALWAYS the best medicine, for nearly anything. It's either pizza or ignoring it until it goes away. Neither remedies have been disproved to me so far, so I'm stickin' by them. Wednesday night, I went to Amy's house for the night. Shortly after updating this thing, I went home to take a shower. Since lower Eastern Parkway is a scary area, I called her and asked her if she wanted to meet at Bombers. She didn't. So I called my brother and he was all cranky. So I just sucked it up and walked to her house. At one point, I thought I was about to get jumped, but then nothing happened. When I got there, I sat down while she smoked a cigarette. I really wish she'd quit, but it's not looking like that will ever happen. We were up all night as usual, just talking. I was really light-headed and felt slowed-down, more than likely from taking three pills earlier. The entire night, I felt stuck in that feeling that sweeps over you right before you yawn. I'd rather feel that than heartbroken, though, so fuck it. Amy made me laugh a little, as much laughter as could break through the apathetic chamber I had built around me with my medication. I just wanted to hold someone and feel like everything was going to be okay. Instead of doing that, we ate pasta, and it was really good. And then we laid down and I got to hold someone, after several episodes of 30 Rock, a surprisingly funny show. I had no idea cable sitcoms were funny these days. I guess I've been missing out this entire time. Oh, and Tina Fey?! Jeez, that woman is gorgeous. I woke up when she did, somewhere between 8 and 9 in the morning. I have no clue how she sleeps for three or four hours, shoots up, eats a bowl of cereal, and then walks to work more than three miles away in twenty minutes. She's an extraordinary girl. I decided to go to the library and see if there were any DVDs that looked good. There weren't any. I went home and took a short nap, then got up around 2 and took the bus to Albany. It took a half hour just for the fucking bus to show up, and when it did, there were two in a row. Why is being on time so hard for CDTA? When I got off on the corner of Lark St., I called Laura, my freckled vegan friend from LiveJournal who I had put off meeting in person for weeks now for some reason, and she said she'd meet me at Dunkin' Donuts since she had to pick up food for hungover people anyways. So I sat on a curb and waited and she eventually showed up with a friend of hers named Kaitlin who looked like Fairuza Balk and would only accept a handshake from me (I'm always really offended when people don't want a hug). Laura gave me a hug, though. She was all short and freckled and had a flawless face that I enjoyed watching talk. I'm pretty sure she didn't stop smiling the entire time I was around her. She got some shit from Dunkin' Donuts, then went to Bombers. I got tofu fries in hopes of finally getting an order that was satisfying. They ended up putting more barbecue sauce on it than tofu, rice, or fries. I'll never win with them, I guess. We went back to her apartment, which had a sign in the window saying, "MARCH OF DIMES SUPPORTS ANIMAL CRUELTY!" Awesome. The apartment was everything you'd expect from a college student's apartment: practically empty with the exception of TV, some tables, empty bottles of alcohol, boardgames, sticky plywood floors, and a living room futon with a gay kid laying on it. The gay kid's name was David and he was full of flamboyantly gay mannerisms you'd ignorantly expect of any gay guy. I sat on the couch with Laura while her friends Kaitlin, Katherine, and Norah screamed over top one another, seemingly competing over who could say the most ridiculous things. It was really hilarious to sit back and witness, especially when Laura would try to interject and would totally be conquered by them in volume. She told me some of her tales and then came with me at 4:30 to meet up with Danielle, who had called me while I was on the bus to inform me that Bayside had sold out. She had set up a time with someone from the band Prima to get tickets, though, so I met her a few blocks away and got mine with her. She was with two kids I didn't know. And then we separated and I went back to Laura's to sit around some more, eat my tofu fries, and listen to girls be loud girls. They were all really fun to be around. I'm used to being around such morose, introverted people, that sometimes I just need to be near people who are smiling about nothing and finding the humor in everything. Because, really, just about anything can be made fun of. I left at 6 to walk over to Valentine's and meet Danielle. When I got there, she wasn't there yet, so I claimed my spot in line, which wasn't as long as I had expected for a sold-out show. I was surrounded by people who looked older than me, so I felt significantly less pathetic for going to see a band I started listening to when I was in the 10th grade after my heart was broken for the first time. I was excited nonetheless, feeling all nostalgic. This would be, like, the tenth time I'd seen them live, and believe it or not, their new album is really good from what I had heard earlier in the day. Danielle and her two friends found me and I let them budge in line with me. Kelsey, the person who originally had asked me to go to the show, texted me and said they never got their tickets, so I talked to a person who knew a person in one of the local bands and was able to get her a ticket so she could still come. She met a little bit later just as rain was starting to drizzle from the sky and budged in line with us all. Even though the Step Up site told you to get there early because doors were at 6:30, we weren't let inside until 7. Kelsey and I got a spot at the far right end of the stage and Danielle disappeared right away since she knows everyone in the world. I hung out with Kelsey for the most part. The first band to play was Prima and they were alright, full of catchiness and Ace Enders rip-offs. After them, the worst band I've ever been forced to see live in my life, American Sixgun, played. I knew as soon as their guitarist walked out with his scene kid bleach-blonde hair, steel-toed boots with chains on them, denim jean jacket, and New York Dolls t-shirt, that their sound would be equally as annoying. And it was. It was like Bret Michaels's solo project, with songs about rolling the dice, guns, whiskey, and where women were referred to as, "baby." It was unbearable. I have no idea how they got on the all-hardcore label, Eulogy Records. Around the World and Back played next. Earlier that night, the one guitarist/vocalist complimented my beard, even though his was so much nicer than mine. He was such a beautiful man and I couldn't stop staring at it. Their sound is really good, so I made sure to grab one of their free EPs. Bayside's set was fucking amazing, as always. An hour long of seamless song-to-song lineups; a little from every album. It was fun singing along. The crowd was cramped and full, but not full of assholes. There were only two crowd surfers the entire night, and they waited until the last song to do it. The room was one big sing-along. There's nothing better than being part of a crowd that is singing along so loud that they overpower the lead singer's vocals. Through pushing a lot of people, I wound up on the left side of the crowd, more toward the front-center, where my right ear wouldn't be up against the speaker and I could jump around more. I had a lot of fun and left covered in so much sweat, it felt like I had gone swimming in lukewarm water. When I left, my voice was gone and I needed my inhaler, which I had conveniently left at Laura's. I bought a two-liter of Pepsi, bid farewell to Kelsey, and walked back to Laura's place. When I walked in, everyone was gone but her and David, who was mourning missing the premier of New Moon while downing a bottle of wine. Laura donated a dry tie-died shirt to me so I could be dry and I laid my head down on her leg while she went through her 2,000+ Facebook pictures. She's a ridiculous girl in every aspect. We were up all night, watching television; mostly reality TV and cartoons. For some reason, Laura and I share every lame thing in common imaginable. In an episode of The Little Mermaid we were watching on the Disney Channel, Ariel sees Derek, the fisher she falls in love with, rescue a dolphin caught in a net and exclaims to Flounder, "A human who ISN'T EVIL?!" I thought it was funny. She said a lot of really nice things to me and it really caught me off guard. At one point, she covered her face with her hands and gasped, "I don't even know you and you're so cool! UGH!" She made me smile a lot. Somehow, a lot of grinding began and after Elijah left his bed in the morning, we ended up having sex. It was clear to me right away that I still wasn't ready to be having sex with anyone, but it was definitely nice feeling physically wanted by someone for the first time since Tara. Plus, she gave a really good blowjob. Since my medication causes anorgasmia, I never wound up getting off, but whatever. I'm usually too nervous to anyways. After that, we laid around and eventually tried to go to sleep. I woke up without her next to me. Then she showed back up and we slept until almost 4, at which point I needed to leave. I took the bus to my apartment just so I could take a shower. I told Laura I'd call her later when I re-entered Albany. After I got out of the shower, I put some time into trying to rally together as many people as I could to go to the Prayers For Atheists show at UAlbany. I wound up only getting Kara, Yoda, Sam, Bianca, TJ, and Tia. We were taking the bus, the rest of them were getting a ride from TJ's parents, because half the people I know are young enough to have parents still. We got on the bus a little after 6 and sat all the way in the back next to a black couple and their child, with grease all over their faces as they ate chicken wings out of a brown paper bag while scowling at us. It was gross (greasy-faced chicken-wing-eating and scowls, not black people). I told Kara almost right away that I had sex with Laura, so she went from smiling and giving me vegan cookies to crying and looking sad the rest of the night. It was very frustrating, but I tried to talk to her. We passed notes like we always do and it was full of, "I wish I was good enough for you," nonsense. I wish we could just be friends, but I guess that possibility is pretty much done with and I'll have to deal with this from now on. After babies started screaming, I put my headphones on and blared Leftover Crack into my ears. We got off at Fuller Rd. in Colonie and then had to walk almost two miles to UAlbany from there. It's a particularly boring walk with almost no sidewalks to escape speeding commuters. When we got to the college, we had to walk all the way across campus to get to the Chapel House. The show had started fifteen minutes ago when we got there. Jared Paul said I was on the guest list. But when I got there, the two hipster cunts working the door told me there was no list for me to be on. I didn't put up a fight and paid the $5. When we got in, a really horrible band called Marijuana Mountain was playing. It literally hurt my head to hear them. I said hi to Weston and Jared Paul and Jared asked right away if I paid to get in. When I said yes, he stomped over to the table and fought for my free entry. It was really nice of him and he even got Kara in, too. Weston, an awesome vegan I know from Syracuse, was playing in his band that night, too, Oak & Bone, and he finally remembered to bring me these patches he makes with three V's on them, for veganism instead of straightedge. He brought me four and I handed the other three out to my friends. Food Not Bombs catered the event and I got a bowl of mixed rice and beans. I saw Zach Swift and Jackie there. And I for one reason or another recognized most of the other people there, too. Ryan of Hex Records and Mistletoe was there with his distro and band. It was cool knowing there were so many straightedge vegans in one room. Marijuana Mountain didn't end soon enough. I met up with Bianca, TJ, and Tia. Bianca was all prettied up for some reason. Prayers For Atheists played next and put on an incredible set. They get more energetic every time I see them. They even played a song I hadn't heard before, "Easy Being Green", which is all about being vegan. Jared dedicated it to me. The crowd was receptive and bouncy, which was nice for him, albeit annoying for me. Some drunk (or stupid) guy was doing some really lame rendition of a hardcore dance and it was obnoxious. Mistletoe played next and were really good. They have that screamy emo/pop-punk/post-hardcore sound that every Syracuse band seems to have (Tails, Polar Bear Club, et cetera). I saw a guy handing out flyers with a giant X tattooed on the back of his neck with "Don't Be Boring" written underneath it. It was so awesome. He was twenty-nine and still edge! Kara remained against the wall of the place by the merch tables, being sad. Girls are always crying about everything, it seems. There were a lot of hipster kids with sockhats on and none of them looked the slightest bit interested in anything. I caught up with Jared as much as I could and we exchanged phone numbers. Weston and his band Oak & Bone played and were fucking awesome. He's such a skinny guy with a pleasant demeanor, but as soon as he gets behind a microphone, he's full of rage and disdain. I bought Yoda their 7", to which Weston gave him incense so he could, "get the full effect of the album." We left after they finished. It burned when I pissed, but I used a condom, so I wasn't really worried. My dick always gets fucked up when I use a condoms. Something about the rubber or lubricant or something. Definitely surprised me, though. I tried getting a hold of Laura since I absolutely didn't want to go back home, but she never responded. Feeling ditched, I walked with everyone back to the bus stop, sorta bummed about having to walk that boring walk, wait forever for a bus, then pay $1.50 for an annoying ride back to the place I hate the most. On the walk home, I was shit on by Yoda for being so social and having friends, even though all he complains about is never having anything to do and having no friends. I tried to explain to him that if he would just focus more on what he had in common with people rather than what set them apart, he too could make more friends and become more outgoing. But he wouldn't listen and I ended up just saying, "Don't be fucking jealous because I have friends and you don't." Kara got picked up at 1:30 when we got back into Schenectady. It was fucking freezing out. Then we went back to Yoda's house and sat around all night. We got so bored, that we wound up putting in Date Movie in hopes of being able to laugh at how bad it was. But we couldn't. It was just so disgustingly bad, that we could only sit back and cringe and look at each other confusedly. I fell asleep after that in my sleeping bag on the floor, until they woke me back up twenty minutes later to show me a recording of Sam rapping Yoda found on his laptop. It was using a Masta Ace beat and was actually halfway decent for a first attempt at rapping. But because Sam is so quiet and insecure, it was weird enough for me to not be able to stop laughing at. I love these tubby gay cats. We woke up nearing 5 after the sun had already set. There was a Schenectady parade happening, causing almost all of downtown to be closed off to traffic and buses. We went to Muddy Cup to use the Internet. Yoda and Sam decided they were going to go to Colonie Mall to see The Fourth Kind in theaters. Since we're technically still banned from there for another year, there was no way I was taking my chances. We stood back and browsed the lame parade a little bit and it was a pathetic display of everything Schenectady is 'proud' of: GE, Price Chopper, fire trucks, the National Guard, Jumpin' Jacks, Proctors. It was pretty sad. Then there was a group of choreographed dancers with batons singing "Livin' in Schenectady!" to the tune of "Livin' In America", boasting company names like, "Price Chopper! TrustCo! GE!" It was too much. We might be injecting millions of dollars into dressing up downtown, but at the end of the day, we're still mostly comprised of cracked concrete, crackheads, crooked cops, and abandoned buildings, a corpse of a once great, historically and culturally relevant city. They had to run a few blocks up just to get the 55 and I went to Taste of Chine for some sesame tofu. I sat by myself with my headphones on and read. The tofu tasted horrible, to the point that I couldn't even finish it. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I tried calling Kayla. But she didn't answer. And when I went to the house, she wasn't there to answer the door, either. So I sat outside with nothing to do for fifteen minutes. I tried calling my parents, but my mother answered with, "I'm drunk! I'm fuckin' drunk! And your father's here tellin' me I like big black nigger dick right now!" I immediately said, "Alright, I gotta go!" I sat at Muddy Cup by myself for a bit, then called Trevor. He got out of work at 8 and picked me up. We drove around for a little while, just catching up and making fun of things, trading stories of how ridiculous our lives are. We went to Wal*Mart so he could pick some shit up, and then we drove around aimlessly, listening to music. We stopped by Hannaford so I could pick up dinner: tofu dogs and whole-wheat buns. And then I went to Hollywood Video, where I somehow didn't have a fine from how late my four movies were last time. Awesome. I got Orphan, Food, Inc., Bruno, and How To Be a Serial Killer. I got dropped off at Yoda's and spent the night there, up all night, watching movies and talking shit. Because of the line to New Moon, they wound up never seeing the movie they went to go see. I'm so sick of vampires. How To Be a Serial Killer was pretty hilarious, even though the entire score was '60s porno music. The first step to being a serial killer is Etiquette, and he says to never harm animals, never rape, and to never rob. He also said to never kill homeless people. It was awesome. He was the most ethically agreeable serial killer ever. And he kills mad cops at the end! Slept in real late again. Something about Yoda's apartment does that to ya. We got up to check out the new game store, but they were for some reason closed. I had bought Sonic 2 from there the night before and he told me they were open seven days a week. Apparently not! The owner's a ridiculously nice guy, though, so I'll let it slide this time. So we just went to Muddy Cup. Rain eventually met up with us. She fits right in with us so perfectly. She's one of the few girls who can hang out and fire back sarcasm and shit-talk as quickly and cunningly as we all do, instead of being over-emotional and crying about it. When I told her I had sex with Laura, she high-fived me. That's how cool she is. She offered to buy Bombers, so we went over there and ate. There were large chunks of black shit in our order, so I talked to one of the girls and she said it was apple crisp. Wtf? She offered us another fresh order, so we took it, and she came out with it along with a whole bowl of extra tofu. Totally awesome. I was all like, "I'm gonna add you on Facebook and like your status!" Then I asked her name and creepily did, with a message that said, "FOUND YOU." Rain is so much fun to hang out with, it's ridiculous. If it weren't totally illegal, I'd date the shit out of her. After that, I suggested we go out and buy $70 worth of ice cream. Everyone thought I was kidding, but I wasn't. We called Kayla and she obviously was into the idea. So we piled into her car and headed to Hannaford, where I ended up getting $63 worth of vegan ice cream products; mint fudge, cookie dough, Neapolitan (Yoda called it 'Metropolitan'), ice cream sandwiches, waffles cone bowls. It was ridiculous. Unfortunately for Rain, she had to leave fifteen minutes after getting back to the apartment with us. I hate having friends with school nights sometimes. We stuffed it all into the freezer like Tetris and somehow managed to get it all in, then began to eat it with a fury. I ate so much that I wound up in the bathroom, ready to puke. But instead of puking, I just hung over the toilet with my mouth open, a waterfall of saliva drooling from my mouth before I puked up two chunks of brown that I'm pretty sure was ice cream of some sort. It was awesome. We all watched Food, Inc. together. It was pretty boring, since I already knew all of the stuff they revealed in it from an older documentary I had watched that was more thorough. The author of Fast Food Nation eats meat. That was pretty discouraging. Yoda showed me an awesome horror movie called Trick 'R Treat. It was one of the best horror films I've seen made in this decade. I was beginning to get a sore throat, so I ate more ice cream and then fell asleep. Yesterday, I met Kara downtown. Before she showed up, I went to Muddy Cup with Yoda and Sam before they decided to leave and try to see The Fourth Kind again. I went to the library to pick up some movies and then back to Yoda's because it was so cold and watched the first twenty minutes of The Pagemaster with Kayla. Kayla's fun to hang out with. I met up with Kara outside of Proctors and then we took the bus up to my place. I took a shower as soon as I got in since Kayla had complained repeatedly about me never wearing deodorant, then put in Away We Go, one of the cutest films ever, and laid in bed with Kara. I started shivering uncontrollably and feeling really light-headed and nauseas. I thought I was going to die. The only thing keeping me warm was Kara, but she had to leave at 10. I almost thought about calling my mother and getting a ride to the emergency room, but remembered they didn't have any gas, so I just decided to try and sleep it off. Before Kara left, I asked her to turn the heat all the way up. I spent the entire night hallucinating and writhing in excruciating pain, while Kitten kept me warm and Willow kept getting worried about me. Whenever something's wrong, she knows, and whines at me until I show that I'm okay. It was horrible. And more than likely because I kiss strangers. I slept from 10PM until 2:30PM the next day. I'm feeling a little bit better today. But whatever. I'm glad I finally got this entry out of the way. I just downloaded the new EPs from Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga and was startled by the realization that I love lame pop music of just about any kind. I also found an album of Notorious B.I.G. vocals over beats made from Frank Sinatra songs! Check it out here! And here's a picture Rain caught of Hulett looking all sneaky and up to no good! 16 comments|post comment

"I am shit, no different and no better." [18 Nov 2009|08:19pm] [ mood | melancholy ] Escitalopram (trade names Lexapro, Cipralex) is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. It is approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder in adults; other indications include social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I took three pills just now instead of one. I want to be encased in an impenetrable wall where nothing can hurt me and the sharp jabs I take daily from the things I know are reduced to faint points of pressure almost unnoticeable. I want my heart to snore and my mind to hibernate. My bones, muscles, and skin can no longer handle whatever inside of me is trying to claw its way out. Now I'm experiencing periods of zoning out, acid reflux, and heart murmurs. Anyways... Thursday night, I was supposed to meet up with Strid and hop an idle train downtown to wherever it was going to. Not knowing where was going to be half the fun. Even though I packed my bag and went down there enthusiastically, I didn't really want to go. As usual, I got that pre-departure depression that I can never really explain. I called my brother and asked him to meet me. It was around 9. I never heard back from Strid, so Yoda called the Hood residence and got a hold of him. He wasn't going to be coming. I wanted to leave even less at that point. There was no train up on the tracks the way there had been the week before. So I went to Bombers to get food with Yoda and wound up hanging around there for a couple hours, mostly laughing at this picture of Ellie Cole on Facebook where she has a monstrous camel toe in a bikini. I left and stayed the night at his house, on his dirty living room floor in my sleeping bag, hoping their one cat Smitty wouldn't end up pissing all over me. I passed out while Yoda played this old death metal band we loved back in the day called Fornicator. When I woke up, I walked over to Muddy Cup and got online. In the midst of sitting on AIM and hoping someone would IM me, Danielle Frament, a girl who the last I knew, "couldn't be my friend because I don't go to college or have a job," IMed me and was saying she wanted someone to go to the Xs To Os Vegan Bakery in Troy with her. Obviously, I jumped to offering my company. I had an hour before the bus to Troy would come, so I finished what I was doing online and then went to Subway to get something to eat. I went to CVS and bought a pack of gum since I hadn't brushed my teeth and 200 cellphone minutes for my phone. It was either sixty minutes for $20, or the 200 for $40; there was no in-between, so I went with the 200. I listened to Owen on the hour-long bus ride to Troy. A man in full hunting attire sat across from me, so I made sure to position my bag toward him, making sure he caught a glimpse at my 'HUNTERS HAVE SMALL DICKS' pin on the front of my bag. Fucking asshole. When I got off, I called Danielle and we talked on the phone until we found each other. A block or two away, we were at the bakery. Sarah and Kara were already standing outside. Kara didn't look as excited to see me as I thought she'd be. She's always asking me to come visit her at the bakery. But I assumed that was because I was with Danielle, a girl I'd pined over in the past for being tiny, freckled, and naked on the Internet. We went inside and Danielle talked to Sarah about a potential internship there, while I sat with Kara. Sarah's smiley self was like a typhoon of pleasantness. I got a giant slice of some kind of Snickers cake that mixed together vanilla cake with chocolate icing, flavored with peanut butter and sandwiching caramel. It was the best thing I've ever had and I will probably order it for my birthday next year. We all sat around and talked about mostly nothing. The place was pretty busy. Every time someone would sit down, more people would flow in to buy stuff and they nearly sold out of everything they had ready upfront. It made me happy to see them doing so well. Most of the seats inside were filled with people hanging out and eating. Danielle has a tiny, tiny voice and says, "legitimately," a lot. She also seems to know nearly everyone, unfortunately including several people I absolutely despise. This was my first time ever hanging out with Danielle and I had heard a lot from all over about her being a slut, a liar, and mostly just really mean comments about her rotted teeth. I guess the hearsay was mostly why I wanted to meet her; aside from what I hear about myself, hers is one of the names I've heard the most locally, writhing with infamy. She's one of the cutest girls I've ever seen and as far as her teeth go, I just don't see what the big deal is. People are so disgustingly shallow. I had asked Kara if she wanted to hang out afterward, since Danielle had plans to get picked up by someone, but a little later, her plans changed and she said, "You can come over if you want. I've got nothing going on." I took up that offer since I'd been wanting to get to know Danielle for a while now and it would bring me to an unfamiliar setting. Kara wouldn't let go of me when I gave her a hug goodbye. She has recently become more assertive about hanging out and stuff. It's pretty impressive, actually. I left with Danielle and we walked around, searching for an I Love NY Pizza that turned out to be right in front of us. Once we exited the bakery, she said to me, "Your friend seems awfully fond of you," more than likely because Kara makes it very apparent that she's totally in love with me. I said back, "Yeah, she's, like, in love with me." Danielle responded, "No offense, but why?!" Yup. I guess I appreciate her honesty? She got pizza and I just sat with her. We were in a particularly nice part of Troy, thankfully. We went into some ghetto convenience store for drinks and then loitered in there for an hour, instead of sitting at the sketchy bus stop with loudmouthed crackheads and a water fountain that has been converted into a public ashtray. We just sat in there and talked. I ate a cinnamon roll I got before I left the bakery and it was the yummiest cinnamon roll, vegan or not, that I've ever had. Danielle's pretty interesting and full of sad personal stories that make me want to hug her forever. She says everything nonchalantly and with an unhindered perseverance. We got the 82 to Cohoes and got off a bit early so she could get Chinese food. I immediately recognized where I was. When she went to get Chinese food, a couple was breaking up in a van outside. The girl was sobbing and the guy looked bored out of his mind as he loosely hugged her while feigning sympathy. Then we went to Burger King and an inebriated wigger made loud comments about, "People think they can talk shit and not get hit! And it sucks for them, 'cause I'm off probation!" When we got to Danielle's I met her mother. Her name is Lisa and she has cancer. I've never seen someone in person with that and it was so surreal. Every word out of Danielle's mouth sounded like something cute a Powerpuff Girl would say. I couldn't help but smile at every sentence. We hung out in the kitchen and listened to music, then went into the bedroom and watched The League, which turned out to be fucking hilarious. The bed we were laying in was possibly the most comfortable bed I've ever been in. It felt a lot like those Tempurpedic mattresses that you can put a wine glass on and jump up and down without disturbing it. We sat up for hours, watching episode after episode of Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu, since her Digital Cable wasn't working (of course, Time Warner). Hanging out with her was cool, and so was watching a tyrannical British chef scream at people who somehow have managed to pass health and business standards well enough to maintain their insane restaurant businesses. I was oddly hooked to this stupid reality show right away. Danielle fell asleep and so did I. I woke up to Danielle getting ready to bake doughnut holes in her kitchen. I didn't want to leave that heavenly bed, but also didn't want to be rude. So I got up and sat on the kitchen floor while she said adorable things and baked. Unfortunately, Danielle isn't vegan or vegetarian, so I couldn't eat anything she planned on making. We listened to lots of great music and I laid on the floor using my sneakers as pillows. I was so exhausted. I think it was because it was all rainy outside. Once the rain stopped for a bit, we walked to the nearby Rite Aid and got soda. I found a two-pound bag of Sour Patch Watermelon priced at 75% off $5.99. It was awesome. It started lightly raining on our way back. Danielle is full of interesting stories about the people she knows and the places she's lived, but she never sounds like she's bragging. On the walk back to her house, we pass by a giant mill that is 3/4ths abandoned. I want to explore it so bad. Her mother is really nice and has a sense of humor where most people would not. She also has two really adorable black cat siblings; one named Harley and the other named Davidson. They kissed me and according to Danielle's mother, they never kiss anyone but them. I was honored. We went back into the kitchen and I laid on the floor, watching more episodes of Kitchen Nightmares like a loser, while Danielle made these pumpkin pie things that are tiny and go on top of lollipop sticks. They were cute and delicious looking, but glazed in egg just to make them look shiny. Weird. Around 2, I left to catch the bus to Troy, since there was no bus from there to Schenectady or even Albany. Danielle walked me to the stop and got me there just in time to hop onto it. I felt boring to her, but that was only because I let her talk the most, since she's an admirably selfless person who's a lot stronger than a person in her situation should be. Hopefully, we keep hanging out. I was all soaked from being in the rain and it was really uncomfortable. Instead of getting off in Troy and immediately getting on the 70 back home, I decided to go to the vegan bakery and hang out with Sarah and Kara. The place was so active all day long. I sat around and talked to Kara in between her helping patrons. Sarah is a funny woman full of unrelenting sass. I went to a Caribbean place a few blocks away and got an order of their vegan stew to go. It was so delicious and spicy and the soy meat chunks were perfect. It filled me with the quickness. Lin, Doug, and Doug's girlfriend (I forget her name) showed up. I talked to Lin a bit about Kimbo Slice. If there weren't other people there, we probably could have talked forever. We're talkers, and because we digress repeatedly, chances are that any conversation we engage in could go on until one of us die. All of us gathered around a table and wound up playing three big games of Uno, while Sarah read parts of a Cosmopolitan magazine out loud. Kara had to keep getting up to help customers, so Lin had to play almost all of her turns. She ended up winning. Doug's one of the funniest men I've ever encountered. I won the last two games. It was some of the most fun I've had in a while. And being with a group of straightedge vegans who are way older than me made it even better. The bakery sold out of nearly everything they had available that day. Xs To Os Vegan Bakery 97 4th St. Troy, NY, 12180 Open Thurs-Sat: 11:00AM-7:00PM Add them on Facebook! I left with Kara and we took the bus back to Schenectady together. When we got off downtown, I called my brother and he met up with us. We went back to his place and watched The Poughkeepsie Tapes, since Kara was curious about it. It's by far one of the best 'horror' films I've ever seen. Watch it through these links, everyone: Part one; Part two. Kara said it made her feel uncomfortable, which is ultimately what the film tries to do. I wish I knew why it was never really released theatrically and the DVD release was cut for, "unknown reasons," according to Wikipedia. After that, the three of us went to Muddy Cup and sat online until it was time for Kara to get picked up. For some reason, downtown was packed with people. Mostly yuppies who very obviously aren't even Schenectady residents and college jock bros trying to hook up with the packs of bar-hopping twenty-something lushes in high-heeled shoes. Everywhere we turned, there were groups of them emerging, yelling and looking empty, flocking to the number of downtown bars there. There was even a line extending outside of Katie O'Byrne's. After Kara got picked up, Yoda and I went over to Bombers for food, but the place was filled nearly to capacity. We were hesitant, but eventually went in and got food. We didn't stay long, though. On the way back to Yoda's apartment, he told me that he was planning on spending the entire night with Kayla, since the next day was her birthday. I didn't want to sit in their living room with Sam, who is now taking Lithium and therefore now has the personality of fog, so I got kinda bummed. I tried contacting everyone on my phone, desperately trying to find something to do. I texted Heather and asked her if she wanted to hang out. Surprisingly, she said she did, just around the same time Jason X said he would hang out. I chose Heather, though. She showed up outside eventually to pick me up and was all like, "Is this a set-up?" like an idiot. We drove to my house and everything seemed fine. I seriously had no idea how I was supposed to act around her. Like, when I'd treat her with respect and like a friend, she always screwed me over and was uninterested in me, but the moments where I express hatred toward her, she suddenly wants to talk to me again. So I felt almost obligated to be an asshole to her. It's really too bad that I'm not good at being insincere. When we got to my house, we got out of the car and she received a text from Karissa telling her to go somewhere private and call her. So she got inside her car and closed the door while I waited outside. When she came out, she said, "I have to go home." I was confused. I asked why, she kept responding, "I don't know." And she wouldn't really say anything else. She offered to ride me back to Yoda's, so I got back in the car after a little begging for her to hang out with me. On the ride back, I kept questioning her, but she would not tell me what was wrong. She was acting so weird and all I could think was, 'If I were a Scotia twiz or a drunk whore who used her for rides, she wouldn't be ditching me right now.' And then I was thinking, 'Here she goes again, fucking with my head.' When we got to Yoda's, I told her I wasn't leaving the car until she told me what was going on. But after she started yelling and said the word 'cops', I got out. I was so upset that I just sat outfront and looked into a puddle on the sidewalk. I was so confused and I felt like I was being messed with really bad. When I went upstairs, I treated everyone like shit and eventually just went to sleep on the floor, after exchanging a few texts with Heather that were even more misleading and weird. Bub and Smitty; two fat, gay cats. I woke up at 2 to Rain calling me. I left without waking anyone and walked over to Muddy Cup to meet her. We sat around there for a little bit and then decided to go to my apartment. Sunday buses are few and far between, so we ended up waiting for about twenty minutes. I feel like half the time we hang out is spent waiting for buses. When we got to my place, I took a shower because I was dirty and smelly. Then I ordered us Chinese food and put in The Thing, a creepy sci-fi movie from the '80s that I grew up being terrified of. My brother let me borrow it so I could enjoy it for the first time since I was real young. Rain and I actually jumped together at one point, where the guy pressing the defibrillators against the infested man's chest winds up getting his arms chewed off by a gut-turned-jaw. Such a creepy fucking movie. After it ended, Rain was nice enough to give me a haircut. Fifteen minutes later, I had short hair again! I chopped the curly sideburns off of where my beard begins so I wouldn't look so much like a Hasidic Jew. Hulett rolled around in the pile of hair left on the floor like a jerk. We went back downtown and met up with Yoda at Muddy Cup. We sat there and hung out over his laptop and waited for some creep to pick Rain up. I was planning on seeing 2012 by myself, since Yoda was seeing it at the same time with Kayla and didn't want me sitting with them, but he was still pissed off at me even being there, so I decided not to go at all and instead got picked up by my parents after Yoda left. I stood around with no jacket since all of mine were either covered in cat piss or mildew, while a bike cop paced back and forth and did a lot of nothing important or helpful. My parents were drinking, but still picked me up. We went back to the house and they watched football, going back and forth between being friendly with one another over their team winning and them arguing over stupid shit, such as whether or not my father ever said he'd never go on a rollercoaster. It was so annoying and really brought me down. I had to put my laptop on top of a stack of three pillows just so it could grab connection in the living room. I wanted to write, but was way too tired. I noticed Tara's screen name was on my Buddy List. I wasn't blocked for some reason. I IMed her to tell her I miss her and hoped everything was going well for her. I accidentally interrupted one of her IMs to someone else. She said, "Oops," and ignored the rest of what I said. It hurt. I woke up after 2 and got a ride to my apartment from my parents as they were picking the kids up from school. I fed the cats, cleaned their litter boxes, and straightened up the apartment a bit. I sat and listened to music for a little bit, then called my grandmother and asked her to come and get me. I dropped off a bag of clothes into one of the donation bins, then went back home with her and used the Internet. I made burritos for myself for dinner and used the leftovers to make three burritos for Kara. I wrapped them up in saran wrap, which I am a lot better at than wrapping the burrito itself. I brought over a basket of dirty clothes for my grandmother to clean, since Kitten had decided to piss inside of it. I also brought both dirty hoodies. I don't believe either things that have been pissed on will ever smell good again. I forgot to return a DVD to the library, so I had my grandmother drop me off there. While in there, I paid an $11 fine and then got a loud call from Kara. When I left, someone called my name. It was a kid I grew up with, Steven Dunn, on his way to parole. We chatted real quick and he said, "Man, you're still only wearing t-shirt and shorts in the winter?!" I told him my cat pissed on my jacket and he immediately boasted, "I gotchu!" and unzipped his jacket to reveal his second jacket. He gave it to me and I smelled like a white boy who bangs lots of girls and smokes a lot of pot. I walked over and met up with her outside of Proctors. We got our tickets to The Yes Men Fix the World and then tried to bide time by going for a stroll. We passed by a new video game shop being opened on Jay St. with a cute painting of Mario, Toad, and a star on the front windows. The guy let us in even though they weren't even close to ready to open and I got to peek at some of the games that will be available on opening day, which is tomorrow morning. We sat in Muddy Cup and she ate a burrito while I drank a Nantucket Nectars glass of pomegranate pear. Anything pomegranate is good, period. We were the first two people in the GE Theater. About fifteen more people showed up, but the size of the place made it look so empty. The film was even better the second time and Kara liked it. After the showing, Mike Bonanno, one of the two Yes Men, did a Q&A via Skype. It was cool, and people actually asked questions. I asked what economic system they'd settle with in an ideal world and he basically said that they're more about taking what's bad now and getting rid of it and keeping what's good. Understandable, but it's always good to have an ultimate plan if you could actually fix the world overnight, ya know? After that, Kara got picked up and then I had my mother pick me up from Yoda's not too long after. I got right online and Facebooked, while downloading porn until 5 in the morning. Yesterday, I woke up at noon to Hannah Yetwin calling me. I backed out of plans, though, since I was still so tired and didn't want to hang out with her and her ex and participate in the tension. She seemed pretty mad about it. I woke up after 4, which I hate doing, and ate Stove Top for dinner. At 5:15, Amber and I got a ride downtown. We hung out in Bombers since it was kinda chilly outside. Then we met with Rain at Muddy Cup. She had two free passes to a movie at Bow Tie! So the three of us sat around with Yoda until 6:20 and then got tickets to 2012. Luckily, the manager and employees seemed to recognize me, but didn't say a word. So we got in without controversy. Hopefully, that incident is behind me now. We got seats all the way in the back. The movie was almost three hours long and fucking epic. The special effects were intensely realistic and every ten minutes stuck you in an, "omfg, will they make it?!?!?!" situation. I was literally on the edge of my seat for the majority of the film and I actually kinda liked it. I don't trust in the selflessness of mankind, nor do I think John Cusack would be that skilled of a driver, nor do I believe that a plastic surgeon would somehow have flight experience, but what're you gonna do about mainstream film, right? Amber and Rain got picked up afterward around the same time. Yoda met with me and I went back to his place. With Kayla, we rode to Hannaford so they could return recyclables. Her father showed up, even though it was late, and fixed her dangling muffler for her, while Yoda and I went inside and spent almost $40 on snacks; gummy fruit snacks, Doritos, peanut butter and chocolate Moon Pies, Christmas shortbread cookies, generic sugar cookies, Hot Fries, Tofutti pizzas, seasons Ore-Ida fries, Pepsi. It was insane. I just wanted to stay up all night with my brother and eat snacks! So that's what we did. We put in a lame action film starring Bruce Willis about corrupt cops called 16 Blocks and ate everything in sight; nothing of nutritious value whatsoever. After, we watched Sam play Gears of War. I had talked him out of Lithium and I could already notice the dramatic difference in his personality. He was talking again! We all stayed up until sunrise. Yoda and I listened to music and then played versus on N64's Bio Freaks. It was so nostalgic. I slept on the futon with my sleeping bag and didn't wake up until after 3 today. I got a Truth Box comment recently that said, "i am oddly curious to know if you have fucked bianca." Really weird that that'd even be a curiosity. Obviously, I have not fucked Bianca. What the hell? Today, I got picked up from Yoda's and came to my grandmother's to write this entry. I was an idiot and IMed Tara to ask her if she wanted to hang out this weekend. I figured I had nothing to lose. The brief conversation we had is what lead me to take three pills. ichhassekotze: I'm sure people who don't even know each other are all telling me the same things in some big conspiracy against you. ----------------------------------------------- Apparently, people she knows are telling her I've been writing horrible things about her in here. Anyone who reads this knows it's the exact opposite. She also told me in so many words that I've done unforgivable things and that there's no chance of us ever being friends. Then she told me she's moving to Minnesota in March and living with Daniel, her ex-boyfriend. She wouldn't tell me if they were getting back together, but now that I know that it is literally an impossibility that we'll ever be together again, in any way, shape, or form, crushed me in ways I can't even recognize yet. So I left her with this and it didn't mean anything to her... xBigUglyLoserx: Well, I don't think I can take much more hurting for tonight. I figured I'd try to ask you to hang out. I hope you can one more time before you leave in March. I still love you to this day and probably will never stop. I don't write bad things about you, ever, and I honestly hope that your life works out the way you want it to, because you deserve nothing less than the best out of this shit life we all have to deal with. xBigUglyLoserx: I love you. And I'm just gonna go now. ichhassekotze: Okay bye. While watching 2012, I couldn't help but wonder what my last words to people would be, knowing that I was going to die with the rest of the world in a matter of days, or hours, or minutes. And I've come up with this list of things I'd say to people. If you want, share with me what you would say to who, too! To my parents: I forgive you. To Tara: I would have spent the rest of my life with you. To my brother: I wish we never fought, ever. To my grandmother: Thank you. To Burgundy: You did the right thing and I understand. To the rest of the friends I used to have: Fuck you. To God: I still don't believe in any of you. Go to this show on Friday: 15 comments|post comment

You have to be out there somewhere, right? [17 Nov 2009|01:05am] [ mood | bored ] Rachel posted a really great Mark Twain quote in her last entry, and I have to put it in mine, too... "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." I wish I had a girlfriend. Like, a best friend, a sidekick, someone to make decisions with, someone to anticipate the future with, someone who is going to be there every day. Someone my age. Someone who doesn't want routine, but is willing to have someone's hand in theirs when being spontaneous. Someone whose life doesn't revolve around me, but still involves me, and vice versa. Someone who's independent enough to be able to be alone when I'm with other friends, but still wants to wind up back with me come nighttime. Someone who connects with me emotionally, mentally, and physically like a puzzle piece. Someone who will finish my sentences. Someone who will teach me things I don't know and let me teach them things they didn't know in return. I want someone who can't sleep without me next to them and will wait up for me. Someone who will open up to me in every way possible and never feel ashamed to say something to me. Someone who's mature enough to apologize and admit when they're wrong. Someone whose love exceeds their pride. Someone who won't control me, but trust me. Someone who won't do something if they know it will hurt or disappoint me, rather than someone who will abstain from something just in hopes of impressing me. I want a girl who's straightedge/drug-free (and always has been). A vegan girl. A girl who doesn't believe in gods or ghosts or luck. A girl who wants to hitchhike and ride bikes and doesn't have any interest in the whole 9-5/college life plan. A girl who is beautiful without makeup and who doesn't put more than ten minutes into herself. A girl who, physically, resembles Tara (indie-chic style, glasses, freckles and pale skin, skinny). Someone who is interested in politics, books, the environment, and going against the grain of society with someone else. I want a girl who isn't close to her family, or effected by their opinions. I want a girl with some baggage; someone who knows the harsh realities of life and has experienced things outside of living in a house, being bought a car, and otherwise having most of everything handed to them. I want a girl with some sadness inside of her, some anger, but still a dominant glimmer of furious hope and passion. I want a girl who is into watching a buncha movies and staying up late. A girl who is into hitchhiking and making music with me. I want a girl who is into guys who look like me, obviously, instead of the skinny guys wearing the tightest jeans they can find, with thriftstore sweaters and ironic mustaches. I want a girl who's really into sex and experimenting with new things to get her off. A physical connection is important to my relationships with girls. I want a girl who already knows who she is so I don't have to suffer through her overnight personality alterations. I want to feel on fire for someone else. Where are you? 24 comments|post comment

"Another week of being haunted by the ghost of what should have been." [12 Nov 2009|07:16pm] [ mood | okay ] Pornography isn't even trying to be clever anymore. I was up all Sunday night, until 5 in the morning, downloading pornography and putting it on my flash drive to bring home with me. I slept on and off until 1 and then started walking to Schenectady High shortly after. I got there in twenty minutes, which was quicker than I had anticipated, so I wound up sitting against a chain link fence by the high school track and reading with my headphones on, while Guyanese school-skippers walked past me to get back to catch their buses back home. I sat at a lamppost and waited for Susan to show up in her car. The night before on AIM, I asked her, "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" and she replied, "Hanging out with you?" I was totally nervous about hanging out with her, but I didn't let it make me come up with an excuse not to show up and meet her. I got into her giant Cadillac and neither of us had any idea of what we were going to do or where we were going to go. She immediately shared some amusing high school drama with me and we ended up driving downtown to park her car and walk around aimlessly. We went up Jay St. and stumbled upon this little shop of collectible vinyl, comic books, VHS tapes, cassettes, and other random knick-knacks the owner had acquired over the years of his life, called The Re-Collector. The guy who owns it seemed pretty excited that we were there. I almost felt bad walking out eventually without having bought something. Even though Susan always looks like an angry bitch, she was surprisingly pleasant. Easily one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen around here, she's thin with an amazing ass, red hair, some faint freckles, a cute voice, and clothing covered in safety-pinned patches of every punk band you'd expect someone to listen to. She somehow manages to shift between a face that looks like it's permanently scowling to a smile that is perfect. She kept surprising me with half the stuff she was saying. She had quit everything but cigarettes and is a lacto-vegetarian, which is as close to vegan as someone can get before finally making the final step. Her life story was interesting and fucked-up and people with baggage always reel me in easier than people with picture-perfect childhoods. She had told me the other day that Jacki was supposed to make her vegan pancakes, so I offered to make her dinner at my place. So we got back into her car and stopped by Price Chopper to buy drinks and vanilla soy milk. I ran into my grandmother there and talked to her for a few minutes. We got outta there and went back to my place. She was the first girl to not make note of the mess or any smells. I did the dishes and then made pancakes while we talked in the kitchen about literally everything. She sat on the floor and was attacked by my cats. Everything she said was interesting. After we ate, we went to the living room. She sat on the floor and I sat on the bed, trying to get my laptop to work so we could listen to music. She read through my books that were scattered across the floor and pet my kitties while we talked some more. My wire wasn't working, so she got her laptop and we sat together while she sifted through her iTunes library. She had a little bit of everything in there. It was really nice out, so I said we should go somewhere else. We got into her car and literally sat there for ten minutes, not knowing what to do, while she held an unlit cigarette the entire time. I suggested going to the movies, but she wouldn't go on the grounds that I'd be paying for her. Her inner feminist just wouldn't allow it. So we wound up back downtown after a series of randomly chosen turns. We parked again and got out, then started walking around some more. We stopped into the Moon & River and I bought her a coffee. We tried to talk while a group of old men holding ukuleles screamed their entire conversations and one guy kept boasting the importance and wonders of some brand of guitar polish. It was another beautiful fall night, so we walked to the Stockade park and kicked leaves as we walked through them. We got on the swings and then a kid she knew who looks exactly like Michael Myers as a child in the Rob Zombie remake named Jordan showed up and joined us. We swung together for twenty minutes and then started walking around some more. The Jordan kid pretty much refused to let us be, so we let him come along. We didn't really go anywhere. Just kept walking and making turns here and there. Susan's a funny girl. When we got to her car, we had to get this Jordan kid to go away, and then rode back to my house. I put on Phantogram and we talked some more while I looked through her cellphone contacts for fun. She left at 9. I was totally amazed by her. I was going to try and stay the night at my place, but pretty quickly changed my mind about it. I took the bus downtown and then walked to my parents' place to spend another night. I have no idea what this sticker means, but it was downtown. A few days ago, I got an anonymous LiveJournal comment that said, "If you need someone to hate fuck you, I will gladly do it." Obviously, I replied and said, "Then let's do it! As long as you're female and at least seventeen, we're good to do!" I didn't take it seriously; those kinda comments never go past my replying to it. Tuesday morning, I woke up and saw that the person who left it responded to my reply, but had forgotten to make it anonymous and instead accidentally posted it while logged into their LJ account. It was Heather Neal for some reason. The first thoughts that went through my head were, "That's be AWESOME. Wait, what the fuck? This has to be a joke or something. But if it's a joke, why would she have originally posted it anonymously? I'm confused and intrigued and almost angry in advance." She deleted her reply immediately, but I still got the e-mail notification of what it said. So I went to her Facebook and messaged her about it, saying, "Even though you deleted the LJ comment, I still got the e-mail notification of what you wrote, dummy. Would it be hate-fucking because I hate you, or because you hate me? I didn't understand that part. And what's the catch? This some big make-fun-of-dave joke or something? Like, seriously. It's not funny. Explain yourself!" A few minutes later, she replied and said, "I realized that, which is why i didn't reply, again. No one ever said i was bright.." and then, "You hate me, you want to spit on me, remember? I lack the ability to hate, anyone. This isn't a joke in the least bit, actually. =]" I told her to call me. When she did, I went right into a rant about how nothing about her wanting to fuck me all the sudden made sense. She didn't understand how it didn't make sense. Basically, she knows I hate her; when we were actually friends, she pretty much refused to touch me, and now that we're not friends, she wants to? She works with Tara now, she took part in lying and sabotaging our relationship, and had lied before about me trying to be all over her when I was just reacting to her being all over me. It was ridiculous. When I said all that, she said, "Well, now that you put it that way, I guess it doesn't make any sense. But I'm not fucking with you." As if she admitted to fucking with me, I started calling her a bitch and actually got mad at how confusing this all was. I told her to call me after she got out of work. When I hung up the phone, I literally started talking outloud to myself, "What the fuck ever, man. This is such a fucking joke." Honestly, Heather will always be one of the most attractive girls I've ever seen, with her pale skin, freckles, cute nose, pigtails, and trashy behavior. So of course I would love to have sex with her again. But this just seemed too good to be true. And whenever I tried to remind myself why I shouldn't like her, I felt nothing about the situation. All I could think about was sex and how exhausting hating someone feels. It's like the part of my body that upholds grudges was growing old and arthritic. I just couldn't feel mad. I couldn't even pretend to feel bitter. I sat around online all day. I was supposed to hang out with Kara, but wasn't going to until I heard from Heather. I didn't hear from her again until 6, but she was still at work, so I let her go. She claimed there was a, "long story," involved and that because of it, I'd have to wait a month to fuck her. I told her to call me when she got out to tell it to me. When Kara got off the 70 downtown, I got a ride from my father over to Proctors and met up with her. We went into Muddy Cup and sat down to talk. We went over everything that's been fucking with our friendship. I said a lot of mean, albeit true, things and she ended up crying. I didn't want crackheads sitting around us to pry into our conversation, so I opened up my composition notebook and wrote her notes upside-down. She replied to them, and we spent the next half hour conversing through upside-down notes to one another. It ended with me telling her that no matter what she does, I'll never leave her, and her telling me that she wishes I could just forget the last week or so. I agreed to. Yoda walked in halfway through. So after we were done talking, I went over and sat with him to talk about bullshit. When I sat back down with Kara, I just talked about the last couple of days with her, then told her how I haven't been feeling much of anything. I really haven't. Other than missing Tara, I haven't really been feeling sad, or happy, or angry. And as far as the people that I hate, whenever I think about them, I don't feel anything but fatigue. Earlier, Yoda mentioned hanging out with Jason X later and I felt like a bad actor trying to talk shit about him. Heather called and told me briefly that she was engaged... to a kid who hates me (the plot thickens), so they can defraud the government for money since he's about to enlist in the military. I told her to call me the next morning. Kara got picked up around 9 or so by her parents and I insisted on following Yoda to wherever he was. He half-jokingly kept telling me to go away because he had plans with people I hate/people who hate me, but I just kept following him and laughing about stupid shit. I was supposed to hang out with Amy Vreeland, but she never answered her phone. So I just stayed with Yoda. Even after we got to his apartment and Bob Hood was leaning against the wall, waiting for him, I stuck around. I didn't feel awkward or anything; I thought the whole situation was funny. I made a few dickheaded comments about Bob and then waited for Yoda to come back downstairs. Sam came down and we all went to Bombers to meet up with Joe and Emily. The guy gave me a free cup when I asked for one, so I kept getting refills of Pepsi while sitting around with them. Bob didn't say a word the entire time. I don't really know Joe too well, but he seems like a pretty funny guy. I still have no idea how he wound up with a girl like Emily, but I won't let my jealousy get the best of me. They left and I stayed with Yoda. I just didn't want to go home so early. So I stubbornly stuck around. Jason X showed up and I found that situation pretty funny, too. I actually got along with him pretty well. He said some funny things. He wasn't so scened out this time. I just wanted to laugh and have a good time. I didn't care with who. We all left around 1 and ended up standing around at the corner of State and Erie, not knowing what to do. Bob stood around quiet, Jason and I exchanged jokes, and Yoda made everyone laugh every couple of minutes. We walked down to the Sunoco to get soda and Doritos and then sat outside until 3AM. Bob ended up going home and Jason, Yoda, and I went back to his apartment. Jason left around 5 and I tried to go to sleep on the bare floor that smelled of cat piss, with my bookbag as my pillow and no blanket. I managed to sleep for about an hour, but woke up after sunrise freezing, so I decided to leave and walk to my parents' house to sleep there. I didn't want to, but I ended up sleeping until 4:30 yesterday. Rain called and woke me up around noon, but I fell back asleep. I was supposed to hang out with her, since I was planning on leaving the next day and she wanted to give me a present before I was gone. I got online after eating dinner with the family and got an IM from her. I told her to stop by the house and she had one of her friends bring her, since she's for some reason really good at getting rides from people. When she got outfront of my parents' house, she handed me a brown paper bag with a bow drawn on it that said, "This is a present." Inside was a little container of her homemade vegan chili, since she had told me hers is the best. It was so cute. Then she whispered to me, "Magically be able to hang out with me so I don't have to ride with them anymore." So I did and she got her things from the truck. I talked my mother into driving us to downtown so we wouldn't have to walk in the cold on the highway. She dropped us off at Muddy Cup and we went inside to meet up with Yoda and Sam. We sat down with them and hung out. Rain fit in well right away because she's awesome and doesn't act her age. Swan showed up. Jokes were exchanged. Rain and I decided to leave and just took a stroll around downtown, talking about personal stuff. She is bizarrely mature for her age, which is the only reason I'll be seen with her. We considered taking the bus to my place, but after a half hour of waiting, we changed our minds and returned to Muddy Cup. Everyone was gone by then, so we just sat there and talked some more, enjoying the heat. Her mother called and said she had to hurry up and get home, so she had to scramble for a ride, calling several people from her contacts until she got one. After she left, I met up with my brother, Sam, and Swan at Stewart's and we all went to the apartment. We ended up going to Bombers to sit around and got tofu with hot sauce. We left and on our way back to Yoda's, a cop swerved around and shone his bright spotlight on us, waving it back and forth at us while we loudly laughed and made fun of him. He was acting like a little kid and never even said anything to us. It was so pathetic. We sat around Yoda's for a little while and then I decided to leave since I was tired and it was after midnight. I went to sleep pretty early, somewhere around 3. My friend Kelsey told me via Facebook that several people were talking shit about me around her and she was forced to defend me. She said it was funny how once they were confronted, they practically shit themselves and didn't know what they were talking about. Everyone is so lame. Now that this is done, I just have to go to my apartment and pack my bag. Hopefully, a train actually stops downtown and there's somewhere for me to hop on. I wonder where I'll end up. 28 comments|post comment

"Sex panther!" [12 Nov 2009|02:52am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | HORSE the band: "The Red Tornado" ] I wound up with no time for a real entry. And now I'm on my little brother's laptop, so I don't have the pictures that I would post with the entry anyways. So instead, here's another stupid meme (with surprisingly different questions for a change) and a preceding response to people who have said things about me recently, without their names so as not to start drama. To the scumbag from Scotia: You never sent me pictures of dead animals. Not only is that a lie, but it's a corny lie. The fact that you're a 22-year-old and you told this lie to a 15-year-old who is a vegetarian herself makes it even cornier. I should rat you out for defrauding the government. I hope you die overseas, honestly. To the biggest trend-whore in Schenectady: I hate people for legitimate reasons. Hating someone just because they hate you isn't a legitimate reason. Hate someone on their character and actions, not because your ego is bruised and you feel obligated to reciprocate. Hating someone just because they hate you is the most pussy-ass kinda hate there is. Everyone has people who are fans and people are not fans. Grow up, little boy. To the girl with the wandering eye: Growing up is finding, trusting, and following yourself with an ever-growing understanding of the world, society, and people around you. Not graduating high school, getting a job, and breaking edge just because you change cliques. You know nothing of politics and are therefore are not an authority on what is 'anti-government' and what is not. You can live at home and have parents who take care of you, always having somewhere/someone to fall back on, and I can live off of a government check that I only continue to accept because I have no other resources. Also, for the record, I have never called the cops on anyone just because I dislike them. It is apparent that you haven't changed one bit since high school. I hope you and all your friends die in a fire. To the kid I don't even know: Yeah, I used to have pigtails and wear a pink bookbag. And now I don't. So shut the fuck up. To everyone else: Seriously, just stop lying every time you open your mouths! Here's a stupid meme now, stolen from carissa_has_lj.<3 At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours? BOTH. What did you call your grandparents? Nana and Papa. I don't have grandfathers anymore, but now I call my grandmother Gram. What do you have handy at your bedside? A laptop, books, my TV, a DVD player, my iPod, a fan, and usually some form of cookies. Grilled or fried? Fry it and it's probably going to be delicious (and disgustingly greasy). Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the one thing you're going to save from that blazing inferno? Seriously, though... probably my iPod. What makes you unique? I don't lie, fake, betray, use, manipulate, rape, compromise, or subscribe to your institutions. Favorite TV commercial? The Education Connection one! It's been stuck in my head all fucking day and night long and I kinda wanna do the girl in it (while she's in her waitress uniform)... Virgin or not? I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. Do you like your handwriting? Yeah. It often gets called 'girly' because it's, gasp, legible. Do you still have your tonsils? Yeah. The last time a doctor looked at them, I was told they were a little inflamed, but not bad enough to warrant surgery. Which are your favorite smells? The smell of fall, the way a freshly mowed lawn smells, cupcakes, the way Tara always smelled, polished bowling alleys, and gasoline. Does size matter? The winner is the thinner. If you could own your own retail store, what would you sell? The tools of the DIY punk world: zines, vinyl, oldschool video games, used instruments/amps, patches/stickers/pins, homemade jewelry/accessories. And it would also have to be a concert venue in its spare time. If you could get back any article of clothing you once wore, what would it be? My Uncle Outrage shirt that disappeared a few years ago. Which are the favorite sports you watch on TV? I hate all sports. They are all boring. Period. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes and why? Brunettes. I swear, 95% of all blondes pretty much look the same. Have you ever won a prize in a contest? Vegfest 2008, I won the X's 2 O's vegan goodie bag in a raffle! Other than that, I pretty much have never won anything in anything. What's the best compliment you've ever received? "Your dick is like a fucking work of art." What's the worst advice you've ever taken? I don't take advice. What talent do you wish you'd been born with? I wish I could sing. What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? Half the stuff I do is spontaneous. How did you rebel as a child? By claiming edge, quitting meat, and denying all gods and masters. What did you hide from your parents? I never hid anything from my parents. That's why I was in trouble half the time. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Half the things people think they know about me are a product of this. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico? Straightedge. And I've never been to Mexico. What's your favorite alcoholic drink? I don't/won't drink alcohol, ever. Are you laid back or high strung? Both, depending on the subject and situation. Sometimes life is really serious, and sometimes life is really hilarious. Dumbest purchase you ever made? A $100 megaphone. What do you think will happen to you in 10 years? I will probably be dead. How many people have you slept with? I have had sexual intercourse with eleven girls, gotten just blowjobs from two girls, and got an unfinished blowjob from one girl. Whats your mom's PROBLEM? She's an alcoholic. Have you brushed your teeth lately? I haven't in a day! It sucks. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? I'm usually really bad at making eye contact either way, because I can't stop thinking that they're thinking about how ugly I am. Are you left or right eyed? I have no idea what the fuck this means. What CD is in your CD-player right now? The compact disc is fucking dead. What would you want to be written on your tombstone? I don't want to be buried. I want to be recycled. Is your middle finger longer than your ring finger? Yes. If it weren't, I'm pretty sure that would constitute a physical deformity, wouldn't it? The size of your hard-disc? This isn't my laptop, so I do not know. When you looked in the mirror first thing this morning, what was the first thing you thought? 'I am the ugliest person I know.' Who is the fourth person on your missed calls? I don't miss calls. What's a saying you say a lot? "Who gives a fuck?" Who told you they loved you last? Tara. She was fucking lying. Last furry thing you touched? A cat named Smitty. What is your guilty pleasure Disney movie? Emperor's New Groove! Except I feel no guilt for that, or any other Disney movie I love. Without saying names, what's one thing about the last person you kissed? She's my best friend. A kiss on the hand or on the neck? Neck. And then I melt. Do you miss the way things used to be? Always. If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? Yeah, it'd be nice to know that someone out there besides my best friend and a gay guy wants me romantically. Wall paper on your cell? Some default view of a field and sky. Did you go to sleep smiling last night? I went to sleep on a dirty carpeted floor that smelled like cat piss with no pillow or blanket. And then woke up an hour later just to walk to my parents' and sleep on a couch. How many pillows do you sleep with? Three. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? SOMEONE ELSE. EVERY NIGHT. Is there anybody you wish you could spend time with right now? I'd like to see Susan again. Hanging out with Rain more than I did tonight would have been nice. It woulda been cool to hear from Amy. And I always wish I was seeing Tara again, but you know how that is. If you could, would you make out with the last person you kissed? I can. I probably should not, though. Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in ten years? YES.<3 Is there someone in your life you wish you never met? Sinead Kravetz. Being friends with her, dating her for seven months, and fighting my brother for her is the stupidest, most embarrassing thing I've ever done. Are you scared to fall in love? No. It's exhausting and always winds up hurting me, but when it's happening, it's the best high imaginable, especially if the person you're falling for feels the same way. I'm still in love with Tara. I wish I wasn't. Do you think teenagers can fall in love? Anyone can fall in love. Teenagers just do it quicker and more often. Do you like the rain? I like listening to it. I do not like walking or riding a bike in it. How was last night? Awesome. Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Yeah. I'm comfortable with her, but I hate knowing that she likes me so much more than I like her. Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? Smoking is the most disgusting, stupid, pointless habit one can have. I could never date someone who smokes (except Amy Vreeland). Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? Kara.<3 Who was the last person you had an argument with? Kara.</3>What does your favorite pillow look like?</b> It has Darth Vader on it! Whose hoodie did you last wear? My own? Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again? Definitely. What's more important to you, keeping yourself happy or others? MYSELF. Would you rather run or walk? Walk. My asthma renders me completely incapable of running for more than a mile. How often do you straighten your hair? I don't straighten my hair. I am not a scene kid. Tomorrow, I update my journal, get packed, then wait for a train to hop on. Wish me luck! Jarrett oh man. wow hilariousity just happened Dave Do tell! Jarrett i was telling my friend about how the lady on oprah got her face ripped off Dave By the monkeys? Jarrett yeaaaaaa and he was like "did you hear what the monkey said after he ripped her face off?" "orange you glad i didn't say banana?" AHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHA 5 comments|post comment

"In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon." [10 Nov 2009|03:46pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Michael Jackson: "The Way You Make Me Feel" ] More stupid memes because I'm bored and these are almost kinda therapeutic. These are actually several combine, taken from carissa_has_lj.<3 What are you wearing on your feet? Plain black ankle socks. Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I know for a fact they do. Even if they've never met me. Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don't talk to anymore? Too many to name, unfortunately. How's your heart lately? A pulled muscle; a sprained ankle of emotion. But it's still beating, so I can't complain. Do you like hugs? LOVE THEM. But have long since gotten out of the habit of giving or receiving them. Do you want to tell someone how you feel? I don't really have anyone to tell that stuff to, other than LiveJournal. Will you be in a relationship next month? Girls are not interested in me. I am still in love with a girl who doesn't love me. If someone is interested in you right now, would you like them to tell you? Uh, yeah. Let's have sex. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Eight. The healthiest amount of sleep I've gotten in months. It's usually either four to five (too little) or eighteen (too much). Would you rather be called 'baby' or 'honey?' I don't care. No one calls me either. How many pairs of shoes do you own? ONE. That's all you need. Ever been to Kentucky? Nope. Are you thinking about somebody right now? Of course I am. What was the last thing you ate? A PB&J sandwich. The breakfast of champions (or, more specifically, manic-depressive vegan bums). Do you enjoy scary movies? A movie hasn't scared me since I was a child. I still like those ones. These new excuses for scary movies are a fucking joke, though. Stop remaking all my favorite horror films, assholes! Credit cards or cash? If anything, cash. I have never and will never own a credit card. Those are financial bear traps for American idiots and feeds the economic debt machine. Here's a bit of advice: if you don't have money to buy something, don't fucking buy it. Why did the last person call you? To see if I was still going to a movie premier with her. I was a total jerk and forgot to call back, then wound up ditching her. I suck! What were you doing at 6 o'clock this morning? I woke up for some reason, watched Family Guy, then fell back asleep. What are you listening to? "Wither" by Dream Theater. What's the color of your eyes? Brown. Boring. How do you feel right now? Entranced by Susan. Confused by Heather. Missing Tara, as usual. I wish I had more guy friends. Where is your cell phone, if you have one? In my bookbag, in the other room. Anyone mean anything to you? Everyone means something. Do you consider yourself nice? I give what I get. Even if I've already concocted preconceived notions about you based on your looks (yes, I do that, all the time, and am usually right), I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and show you respect until you give me a reason to not. Do you get along with your best friend's boyfriend/​girlfriend?​ She's single and in love with me. Do you know anyone who's having a baby? I don't really talk to the sort of people who have babies. Who are you texting at this time? I don't text unless absolutely necessary. Have you ever been called heartless? I don't think so. If I were heartless, I would be dead (or just a whole lot happier). Do you think you've made a difference in anyone's life? I know for a fact that I've made a difference in a lot of peoples' lives, whether it be putting them onto veganism, talking them out of college, showing them a band they fall in love with, or introducing them to open-mindedness in general. That's a pretty cool thought. Name something you're doing tomorrow? Seeing Rain. She claims to have a present for me. When was the last time you had Starbucks? A few months ago while homeless in New York City, I think. Only to warrant my hanging around there for a couple hours. Are you ticklish? No. I don't really like being touched, though. Do you crack your knuckles? Yeah. Not all of them crack for some reason. I wake up to cracking my knuckles in my sleep a lot lately. Who was the last person to give you a hug? Susan! Who was the last person to blow you a kiss? Some skanks in Burlington, VT while we were holding up the 'FREE KISSES' sign. Are you in a good mood? I don't know. Are you excited for something? Trainhopping on Thursday! Woo-hoo! Adventure! Is there someone you can trust 100%? Kara. Forever. Last person you said "I hate you" to? Heather Neal. Will you talk to the person you like tonight? I like lotsa people. I will talk to some of them at one point or another tonight, I assume. Do you miss anyone? Everyone. Mostly her. What was the first thing you thought this morning? Like most days, I woke up immediately to wishing Tara was still around. I can't wait for this to go away. :/ What were you doing at 7am this morning? Sleeping again. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more? All but two of my relationships have lasted at least seven months, so I know I can. But do I want to? Part of me does, part of me doesn't. Either way, I know right now is not the right time for a relationship, with anyone. What was the last thing you said to your dad? We were talking about making money by exacting revenge for other people too cowardly to do it themselves. Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it? Everyone, Kara excluded. Is there someone you don't ever want out of your life? Kara, no matter how frustrating she can be sometimes. Have you ever found someone you really really really liked? I like people too strongly too quickly. Is anyone else in the room with you? A bunny named Thumper. What did you do last night? Hung out with Susan until 9, watched the last twenty minutes of Watchmen, tried to convince myself I could stay in my apartment for the night, then ended up walking to my parents. Are you a jealous person? I'm jealous of everyone everywhere. Did you speak to your father today? Yup. Would you date a 13-year-old at the age you are now? NO. GROSS. Are you wearing something you borrowed from someone? The PETA shirt I'm wearing right now was bought off of a homeless person's back in Connecticut. Any summer plans for 2010? NONSTOP TRAVELING ACROSS AND AROUND THE COUNTRY, BITCHES! Do you like voicemails? I don't think I have one of those. When was the last time you flew on a plane? November, to California and back. When is the next time you'll fly on a plane? Probably never again. Partly because it scares the shit out of me and partly because I'm way too poor to travel by those means. How often do you drink energy drinks? Never. They're disgusting. Is Redbull your favorite energy drink? I do not like any energy drink. Period. Do you wish you had an older, protective brother? No. Are you keeping a secret right now? I don't keep secrets. If you could change your eye color what would it be? Blue, so I could be one step closer to looking exactly like Zach Galifianakis (the most beautiful man alive). Ever been cheated on? No. But I've felt cheated on a lot nonetheless. How much longer until your birthday? About three months. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Mayor Hulett. He's the only one. Who was the last person you saw, other than family? Susan! Will Friday be a good one? I don't have expectations in days. We'll see what happens when it comes. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? I unfortunately have no choice. :( Have you told anyone you loved them today? No. The only person I would say that to is gone. You’ve locked yourself outside and no one will be home for a few hours, you? Break in. Kiss anyone today? I don't get kisses. :( Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Nope. Did you ever have braces when you were younger? Everyone told me I should have, but I refused. Now I'm stuck with a bottom row of teeth that looks like a bar graph. Are you a good cook? I am getting better, but for the most part can only whip up all the classic vegan bachelor dinners (spaghetti, chili, burritos, grilled cheese, pizza, tofu scramble, pancakes). Tell me three things about the last person you kissed? Vegan, virgin, brilliant. When will you next kiss the person you like? None of the people I like would ever kiss me. When was the last time you went in the car? Earlier with my mother to check out a potential apartment. What's the song you hear right now? "Our Ghosts" by A Wilhelm Scream. When did you last hold someone's hand? Walking around at night with Amy Vreeland.<3 Can you say you're happy? I don't know. Are you ready for something personal? This journal is always personal. Are you ready for something more personal? Whatever. When you're single, is it alright to kiss random boys/girls? Of course it is. How's the weather today? It's alright; hoodie weather, I guess. When was the last time someone was mad at you? Someone's always mad at me. Usually because of this journal or something. Ever kissed anyone with the name John or Steve? The only guy I've ever kissed was named Andrew. What are you doing? This stupid thing. If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be? Tara Rule. Have you ever slapped someone? Who slaps? Name one thing you love about winter? It's pretty through a window from the inside of your cozy apartment. Does anyone call you babe or baby? Nope. Do you think your wasting your time on the person you like? Everyone's a waste of time in the end. Do you have siblings over the age of 21? No. I'm the oldest. Do you think a lot before you fall asleep? Nonstop, for at least an hour. Did you have a good day yesterday? YES. Do you miss the way things used to be? Every single day. Can you recall the last time you really liked someone a lot? Yeah. Waste of time. When was the last time you said you were okay but you really weren't? I don't do that. Lip piercings on both sides of your bottom lip, disgusting right? SCENE POINTS. What would you do if you walked in on the last person you kissed having sex? Be totally confused and shocked. Ever kissed someone who was high? No. What was the last thing you did before doing this quiz? Facebook bullshit. What would your parents do if you came home with a tattoo? They wouldn't give a shit. Ever purposely broken your iPod/phone just for a new one? When my things break, it usually means I'll never have another one ever again. Do you know any boys who wear makeup? I don't talk to boys who wear makeup. Ever kissed someone with a tongue piercing? Yes. Would you rather get your navel or nose pierced? I don't want piercings. The person you like runs up and kisses you, your reaction? Confusion. Erection. Gotten high in the past 24 hours? Straightedge. Would you get into a car with someone who was drunk if it was your only way of getting home? Probably. Has a friend ever made you extremely angry? All of them. Are your parents divorced? No. According to my mother, she stayed with him, "for the kids." If you got kicked out, where would you go? The important question is WHERE WOULD MY CATS GO? Would you clean up someone's vomit? No. It's your vomit. You clean it. Would you ever go to Japan? Sure. Even though the Japanese scare the shit out of me a little bit. If any of your friends got kicked out, would your parents let them stay with you? I would let them stay with me. Would you ever go see Katy Perry live? DUH. You're locked in a room with the last person who hurt you, what happens? I cry a lot. Injured someone in the last week? Nope. Would you get your feet tattooed? I am not a hardcore kid who wears flip-flops. So no, I would not. How many arguments have you had with the last person you dated? Only a couple, until the two months she was fucking with my head. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? I have no idea. Probably not for a while. Do you understand football? Football is fucking boring. Is the last person you kissed mad at you? She's hurt by my honesty. The person you have the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? She might as well be dead already. Have you kissed more than ten people this year? Only six. Have you ever cried from being so mad? I don't really cry unless I'm losing someone I care about. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? I don't buy clothes. Unless you count sneakers this week. Your girlfriend/​​boyfriend buys you flowers, you say? "Thanks? But flowers aren't masculine!" Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it? I don't talk to anyone I love. Do you toss and turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep? Toss and turn in a fury of thought, regret, guilt, and nostalgia. Ever had a boy best friend? Yes? What was the last thing you and your mom talked about? My sister. Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? EITHER! Has anyone told you they don't ever want to lose you? Yes. And then they gave me up. What's usually colder, your hands or your feet? Feet. Do you want to get married? No. Marriage is a stupid institution. Do you know people that smoke weed? Yes. Do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships? That's so corny. People can't keep promises, with or without the empty symbolism of a piece of jewelry. Was this the best summer of your life? No. Do you think relationships are even worth it? So far, none of them have been. What was the most boring thing you did today? This. Last kiss drunk or sober? Sober, of course! I can't see the point in doing anything while drunk. Something you do a lot? Watch movies. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Not anymore. Where would I have found you last night at 11pm? Walking downtown. Are you an alcoholic? Straightedge. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? I'm almost certain I won't be. Real update tomorrow. In a confusing turn of events, I might be getting a call from Heather Neal later. I'm not sure if I want to hang out with Kara yet. Going to Amy's tonight. 10 comments|post comment

"I used to run so goddamn fast. But now I'm overcome with malaise." [08 Nov 2009|08:33pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | Say Anything: "Hate Everyone" ] A lazy Sunday. The weather's not too bad out, but I kinda just wanna sit around, drink Pepsi, and do nothing at my parents' house. I just spent an hour fixing up the house computer. My mother's always accusing my father of looking at porn and trying to hook up with girls through sites like Fling.com and AdultFriendFinder, even though she keeps getting proven wrong. There's no food for me here, so I'm settling with a thing of peanuts, a Little Debbie chocolate pie, and soda. Somehow, the last couple of days found me at the mall with underage girls, three days in a row. I'm not complaining, but it's a bit disturbing, and I think it's about time to get going somewhere away from here for a little while again. My father watches football as I type this and shares something vulgar or pessimistic every couple of minutes. My sister secludes herself in her bedroom, forever on the phone with her boyfriend. Bryce hides in his room as well, in a dream world of pixels and video games. What a sad house this is. Wednesday, I woke up watched some movies, felt close to nothing at all emotionally, and wound up deciding to walk to my parents' house just to enjoy a long walk. I got downtown and stopped by Bombers for a tofu bowl marinated in medium hot sauce again. The lady in there was just as confused as everyone else is about the order. I walked while eating and got to my parents' in another half hour. I figured I could accomplish something by going there and picking up my bike. The only emotion welling up inside of me... was pizza. Yes, pizza as an emotion; a mood. I needed to get pizza inside of me or I was going to lose all sanity and go on a path of unstoppable destruction. Laura had backed out of our plans, saying she woke up sick. So I was left with nothing else. I tried calling Hannah, but her love life is going to replace me soon. I called Amy, but after saying I'd go to the Campaign For Liberty meeting with her, backed out because I just needed some fucking pizza. I got a hold of Kara through Sarah's cellphone. She was still at the bakery in Troy. Sarah's voice answering her phone was the happiest thing to happen in weeks. No one's hello should be that full of sunshine and rainbows. I asked Kara if she wanted to meet up in Albany and get pizza. I knew one of us would get there before someone else, but whatever. I rode my bike to the bus stop on nearly flat tires and caught the 55 to Little Anthony's. I ordered a twelve-cut vegan pizza with faux chick'n on top as soon as I got there and waited outside for Kara to show up for about twenty minutes. Pat, the owner, is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and buying pizza from his smiling face is half the deal of the $20 meal. Kara showed up and we sat together at the window, talking. The pizza was so fucking good. I wish I could eat it every single day. I bought a vegan Rice Crispie treat from them, too, which was really authentic tasting because they used Chicago Soy Dairy's marshmallows. Another couple ordered a vegan pizza, too, and I always get excited when I see other people ordering vegan food (even though they were probably people who enjoy vegan food, but aren't vegan (I fucking hate those kind of people)). We waited for the bus for almost forty minutes. I think for every bus going from Albany to Schenectady, there are three going from Schenectady to Albany. When it finally showed up, definitely running late, the asshole behind the wheel of it had the balls to honk at me for taking a couple more seconds to put my bike on the front of the bus. I wanted to punch him in his face so fucking bad and basically bitched about it for ten minutes before putting my headphones on because of two loud women talking like they were across the street from one another; it was like a phone ringing over an alarm clock going off over a firetruck siren over a rusty muffler dragging along the road from the bottom of a car. I hate the way people in this city sound. Kara and I made it to my house safely and just laid in bed, listening to music. I was relieved that I had pizza inside of me. Everything felt all better. And then I turned to Kara and realized she was upset about something. After a little pushing and shoving to get her to speak up, I had to hear about how upsetting it was that we'd never be a couple. Up until that moment, I was under the impression that being best friends was enough. But of course, as most things are with Kara, that just isn't good enough. We talked about it until her parents were outside and I didn't know what else to say other than, "I guess we shouldn't be friends anymore," since she told me she'd still want to date after I offered the rationality, "We'd last longer as best friends than we would as a couple." Hanging out with her was great, but her mind and body almost seem to be afraid of getting through twenty-four hours without finding a reason to be upset. I'm trying so hard to tolerate it, but as someone who spends every day trying to fend off depression and ugly thoughts, it's nearly impossible for me to be able to sympathize with someone who is upset about literally nothing. The discussion left me feeling stressed out and frustrated, so I went to sleep after she left. It was too scary out to ride over to Amy's anyway at that point. The night before, my grandmother told me that the Sunoco around the corner from me that I often visit in the middle of the night to buy Pepsi was robbed, the guy working overnight being pistol-whipped. The distance of time between incidents like this are becoming closer and closer and I can't help but dwell on the fact that I very easily could have been around during one of these situations. I'm so sick of being scared of living here. There's nothing scarier than a person with nothing left to lose, and those kind of people account for a good majority of the people who live around me. I woke up, ate cold pizza that maintained its tastiness overnight, and watched two movies while laying in bed with my cats. I watched Bad Education, a Spanish film filled with gay sex, transvestites, child-molesting priests, blackmail, and drugs. It was pretty insane. Then I watched Revolution Summer, a uniquely woven-together story of several young adults differing viewpoints based on their current stations in life. I liked it a lot. I showered and walked over to my grandmother's to use the Internet. On the way there, I passed a pregnancy test lying on the sidewalk by an alley, with a thick, blue, minus sign. You really have to wonder why it was right there and where exactly the woman took the test. I had made plans with a girl named Rain who is several years younger than me to go to Rotterdam Square and see Wipe Out Marshall's acoustic in-store performance at Hot Topic. Until then, I made plans with Hannah Yetwin. She picked me up and we went back to her house to sit in her bedroom while she procrastinated studying for a psychology quiz. I laid across the bed on my stomach and looked out her window. Fall is so pretty and smells good. Her mother walked in and made me feel uncomfortable and unwanted. And after Hannah went on and on about her newfound love interest, Max, I just felt bad about myself. I'm happy for her, but I can't help but be envious of these people I talk to who have someone they love who loves them back. I miss having crushes and them being reciprocated. After an hour or so, she brought me back to my apartment where I showered. I walked to the bus stop and got the 5 o'clock 62 to the mall. I called her when I got into the food court and bought Chinese food for dinner. The Chinese couple who own it recognized me and said, "There no more egg in the fried rice! Haven't seen you in a while!" Cute. Rain met me and sat with me while I stuff greasy eggrolls and rice into my mouth. She's the smallest person I think I've ever met; 4'11" to be precise, in a cute little dress and strategically messy black hair. She's got tiny eyes and paper-pale skin. Her moccasins looked like they were molding, covered in a greenish-grey tint. She was really funny and clever and full of anti-social angst that inappropriately matched my own. I liked talking to her. She stopped eating meat when she was nine years old! My first words to her were, "Aren't you precious!" We went through stories of mutual acquaintances (or enemies). She seems to know everyone I've ever met of just about any age. We walked around aimlessly until 7PM when we went into Hot Topic. They had cleared racks of clothing and accessories to make room for the PA and band, but it was still pretty cramped and warm in there. I sat on the floor as they set up. Anthony showed up and we laughed together at the Twilight shirt being marketed to males of a shirtless, ripped man stading in the rain. Rain knew everyone there and I just vaguely knew or just barely recognized some of the people there. Their set was really good, even though I'm pretty sure someone was completely out of tune for the first one. The majority of the set was sarcasm, song, and them awkwardly trying to play without taking it too seriously. They actually managed to acquire a decently-sized crowd, considering it was a Thursday and at a dying mall's Hot Topic. We walked around endlessly, sipping Pepsi refills and talking about stupid stuff until 9. Jacki Vassari waved at me from FYE. She looks so fucking cute with straight-across bangs. I got the 77 to over by my parents' house and hung out with them in the kitchen while they drank. My mother was practically celebrating finding out she was wrong about something she accused my father of doing on the Internet, since social networking sites have only added problems to their relationship. Watching them kiss and be cute and coupletastic with one another made me happy. I talked to Rain on AIM, then tried to talk things out with Kara over the phone. I don't think anything was resolved, because nothing I do is going to stop her from wanting to be my girlfriend, and I'm apparently feeding into those feelings just by hanging out with her and being who I am. It would figure that the only person to be interested in me would be the person I just don't have those feelings for. I played one game of Yahtzee with them. My father told me that his friend told him that after the age of forty, a male loses two inches from his penis size. My mother interjected and said, "Dave, you definitely haven't lost two inches!" Then she turns to me and boasts, "If anything, he's gained stamina!" I like that we can sit around and be so open with one another, making each other uncomfortable. Throughout the night, my mother repeatedly brought up the past, asked me questions about how I was feeling back when I was still living with them, and then apologized profusely for things she had done wrong. I'm glad she can finally admit to being wrong and acknowledge some of the fucked-up things she did when I was growing up as a teenager, but I can hardly remember these things anymore. I never think about them and I can't help but be more focused on the present, enjoying getting along. I think I stopped being mad at them for what they've done a long time ago. My father told me that his biggest problem in life right now is feeling like he can't provide for his family, and it really sucked watching his face reconfigure itself as he went through the motions of how the very thought made him feel. I thought he'd cry at any second, but he didn't. He told me the best he can do now is be his sons' friend. They got through the night without an alcohol-fueled argument and it was nice. I was asleep by 3 or 4. Friday, I had planned on taking the bus to New York City and seeing A Wilhelm Scream at the Knitting Factory. But when I woke up, I knew I wouldn't be doing that. I'm sick of leaving to go places all alone. I'm sick of copping out of hitchhiking because I can't stand being on the side of a road by myself without someone to laugh at the situation with. I'm sick of paying for something like transportation. So I decided against going. I was up around noon. My feet were so sore from walking everywhere in sneakers with holes in the bottom of them. All my right-footed socks have holes in them now and part of my right foot is black from pressing against mud and dirty, moist concrete. Since the whole is right where my foot bends to take a step, the muscles in the bottom of my foot are all screwed up. I carved out cardboard to put inside before I left to walk home, but ten minutes later started feeling the chilly spot of blacktop touching my foot again. So I went to the nearby Stewart's and got more cardboard out of their dumpster, carved two insides for both my shoes using my pocketknife, and got walking again. The long walk was nice. I took the scenic route, which isn't actually scenic as much as it's just more populated with neighborhood and traffic. I cut through the high school as the students were getting out. Halfway past the bleachers, a white car halted next to me. It was this girl Susan Strange who used to date Strid and who is now friends with me on Facebook. She gave me this look that stayed frozen in my thoughts for the rest of the day and night. I took my headphones off, asked if she was Susan Strange from Facebook, said hi, and then quickly ran off because I got nervous like a little boy. She's ridiculously attractive and the look she gave me was like a bullet going through my abdomen, even if it wasn't intentional. I picked up soda and some small ingredients to chili and burritos at Price Chopper, carved out more cardboard soles for my shoes by the Rent-A-Center dumpster, and then called my grandmother for a ride because my feet were cramping and couldn't be used anymore without intense amounts of pain in my toes. I went back to her house with her and ate vegan chili, sitting online and hoping to find something to do. Bianca IMed me and asked if I wanted to hang out. Of course, I said yes. She suggested going to the movies, and I will never reject that idea. I sat online for a little while more and we met up at the bus stop on the corner of State and McClellan at 5. We stood around and waited while an old Juggalo friend of hers said stupid shit. When we got to the mall, we got our tickets to The Box, Richard Kelly's newest film since Donnie Darko and Southland Tales. There was over an hour left before it was playing, so we tried to bide time by walking around and having conversations. Bianca's a super sophisticated girl and probably feels exactly the way I did when I was her age and all my friends got into drugs and Insane Clown Posse while I was getting into animal rights and straightedge. She's really funny and smart and talked a lot more than the last time we hung out, which was nice. We walked around FYE while I insisted I would leave having bought something so I'd feel accomplished. But I think I mostly just wanted to stare at Susan. She was working and surprised me with, "So, dave, when're we gonna chill?!" I left the store without anything purchased. I just don't want to buy anything anymore. That part of me is gone, it seems. I did, however, wind up at Pay Less, where I was lucky enough to find a pair of plain black sneakers for $25 that weren't made of leather. Way better than the $65 pair in Zumiez. It was a Friday night, so the mall was as populated as it probably gets in the week, filled with scene kids that look like God pinched them from the top of their heads and bottom of their feet and stretched them. They're all getting skinnier and taller, it seems. There were some mallgoths, but none of the middle-aged Juggalos were around, surprisingly enough. We took our seats in the theater at 7 and waited for the movie to start. As the commercial pretty much explains, a man with a chunk of his face missing drops a box off at a suburban family's door in mid-'70s Virginia. Inside it is a box with a big, red button underneath a glass dome. He explains that if you push it, you will receive $1,000,000; the catch is that someone you don't know will die as a result. Pretty fucking fascinating idea, based on a short story that was later turned into an episode of The Twilight Zone. However, as the movie went on, the story got weirder and weirder, and every scene practically added another confusing enigma to the plot. I was totally kept interested, but by the time it ended, I had no fucking idea what had happened. It actually stuck with me the rest of the night. We sat around by the entrance of the mall on a bench for an hour, waiting for the 10 o'clock bus. I got off downtown because Fridays make me sad and I wanted, or needed, a long walk alone. So I got off and sat in front of Burger King for a half hour, just staring off into the passing traffic, before getting up and walking to my parents' house. My new shoes were so comfortable. Every silver SUV that drove by, I checked the back to see if it was Tara's. So many fucking people drive the same car as her, and I check every single time a Kia passes by. Even when it's the Hyundai that looks exactly the same, I find myself checking the bumper. None of them were her. I sat on Facebook for a little while before falling asleep on the couch. I woke up a little after 10 and left. I walked downtown and got the bus to my place. I took a shower, watched porn, then straightened up my apartment a little in preparation for Rain coming over and possibly staying overnight. I laid in bed and listened to Dead Man's Bones, then played keyboard for an hour. At noon, she showed up, in black tights and a hoodie with a giant cat's face on it, holding an 'I ♥ MY BIKE' tote bag with her ukulele in it. She smelled really pretty. We sat on my bed and tried to figure out what to do. I was worried about keeping her from getting bored with me and she remained neutral toward anything I suggested. We took the bus downtown and ate lunch at Bombers. I asked about the barbecue sauce again and they brought the Sysco bottle out to me so I could look at the ingredients. It was vegan, but not the darker sauce, so I still am not sure what the fuck is the situation there. We decided we'd go to the movies later and see Where the Wild Things Are, but it was only a little after 2, so we went back to my place. The bus took forever and it was really chilly out. When we got to my house, we watched Watchmen under the covers, sitting up against the wall. She made cute sounds every time glass broke. She also serenaded We walked to the bus stop at 4:40 to get there by 5 and then took the bus to the mall with several Juggalo rednecks in their thirties. One obese woman made a comment about how the bars connected to the bus seats should be turned into stripper poles. I couldn't believe I wound up at Rotterdam Square for the third night in a row. And then we went to the theatre only to find out that Where the Wild Things Are wasn't even playing there anymore. On Saturdays, there aren't anymore buses to or from the mall after 5. So we were fucked, and stuck at that boring mall again. We walked around aimlessly, talking about this and that, mostly laughing at the people that passed by us, looking too ridiculous for words. My sister showed up a little later to meet with her boyfriend James. Rain and I spent a lot of time in the food court, sitting around like losers. I wasn't bored of her, but I think she might've been bored with me, even though she insisted she'd rather do nothing with me than do nothing all alone at home. I never believe people when they make themselves out to be loners. I ate some eggrolls. We went to the pet shop and watched two hamsters fuck. I talked to Mike, the drummer of my old band that played only one show, and that was pretty fun. He's a really cool, hilarious kid, and we spoke briefly about starting the band back up since him and Anthony are friends again. He told me a video of our one performance together had been posted on YouTube! We sounded pretty good, I think. We clicked pretty well musically, so I hope they decide to give it a try again. At 9, my little sister and her boyfriend hung out in the food court with us. Rain and I took turns drawing things in my notebook, mostly food with faces and funny quotes next to them, or caricatures of animals we love. It was a lot of fun. She got picked up at 9:30 by a friend and I waited with Amber for our father to come and pick us up. I went back home with her, talked to Kara on the phone briefly, then watched a really pathetic show about celebrities who had experiences with ghosts. I fell asleep before midnight. ( Plus five random pictures. ) The other day, Rain's gay friend Isaiah told me on Facebook that I, "have really nice legs." Today, he told me he wants me. It was pretty interesting. I wish I were drugs, so girls would want to do me. I didn't do a single thing today other than write this entry. Either tomorrow or the day after, I plan on catching out downtown on the first train that stops in its tracks by the Amtrak station.. I'm gonna hop on and go wherever it takes me. It's free and exciting, so it definitely makes up for not going to the city this past weekend. If anyone wants to come with me, let me know! 22 comments|post comment

"I'm the biggest fucking fish in this shitty little pond." [03 Nov 2009|09:09pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | A Wilhelm Scream: "We Built This City (On Debts and Booze)" ] Soy milk from Wal*Mart says that it, "may contain milk." Seriously. wtf? And Morningstar faux meat crumbles, what I use for burritos and chili, are no longer vegan. Without saying anything, they up and decided, "Hey! Let's take one of our only vegan options and start putting milk and egg in it!" A few days ago, I went to a Hannaford and went through the entire row, which was mixed between bags that had the '100% VEGAN' seal and bags that had the allergen warning 'contains soy, wheat, milk, and egg' in bold at the bottom of the ingredients. I bought the five bags that were still vegan. I'm so fucking pissed off about it. Anyways. The day of Halloween, I successfully got into Bow Tie theater. I really got lucky. When we pulled up, I saw the manager guy, a tall, old man who is usually found outside of the place, chain smoking instead of actually doing anything, but he walked somewhere as I walked in and the only person around was a new kid at the register. Hanging out with Amber was cool. She's absolutely hilarious and I'm glad she's not completely screwed up from growing up with our parents yet. There were a few other people in the theater. We sat all the way in the back. We saw Paranormal Activity for a run-of-the-mill scary movie experience and got it. The acting was pretty bad, but the creepy parts were successfully creepy and it kept me entertained. The part of the movie that made everyone jump (and one bro scream like a little girl louder than anyone else in the entire theater) was the last scene, and that's what is making everyone jump in the commercials, I'm sure. Amber and I just laughed and had a good time. When we got out, we went to Bombers and I got tofu fries to go. The kid working said something to me about being sure to, "ask for the vegan barbecue sauce." I asked him what he meant and he said it was nothing. I asked another girl working and she said something about how the sauce they have upfront isn't vegan anymore. A few weeks ago, I asked about this after hearing some rumors, and one of the on-site managers told me it was definitely vegan. I'm so sick of the constant confusion concerning the vegan status of their fucking barbecue sauce. They told me they'd have the vegan sauce on it. When I got it, I discovered that the vegan sauce was actually no sauce at all. Very frustrating. My mother told Amber on the phone that my brother was walking around with Sam in homemade spraypaint can costumes. A few minutes later, they came walking in and I broke down in laughter. It's one of the funniest things he's ever done. But laughing was cut short by them telling me they just almost got jumped by a group of kids in broad daylight and a kid up to Sam's waist pulled a boxcutter out on him, all without any provocation. A cop passed by as it was happening and didn't do anything about it, even after they flagged him down. Somehow, four kids, two on each bike, managed to escape a fucking cop car. It began to rain. I followed my brother and Sam across the street to Proctors where Pastime Legends was having free video game playing going on. It was the first time I ever saw Bryce be social. I ate my tofu fries and talked to Yoda. A girl working behind the desk at Proctors overheard me saying something about shake 'n' bake tofu and she grimaced and asked, "Shake 'n' bake tofu? And it was good?" I sarcastically answered, "Nope. I hate tofu. It tastes like erasers. It was horrible." I don't care if I was being a dick, I knew where her unneeded commentary was going. I remembered that Kara and I were supposed to meet at my place, so I called her cellphone and found out she was sitting outside my door at my place already. I felt really bad. Luckily, my mother was actually willing to bring me my bookbag and drive me up there. Kara and I spent the rest of the day and night sitting around and doing nothing, laying in bed. After she left, I went to sleep. I wish I had done something more fun for Halloween, but I didn't have any money, didn't have any friends, didn't want to dress up, don't eat most candies, and don't drink. I spent all of my Sunday at my grandmother's. I sat online, wrote a legitimate biography for my LiveJournal info, got movies out from the library, bought bread, got dirty clothes and blankets covered in cat piss cleaned, and helped her rake leaves in the backyard. I made plans with Amy Vreeland for after she got out of work. So at 5, I went home, made grilled cheese for dinner, and took a shower since I don't hang out with pretty girls unless I smell good. I got over there around 6:30 and was immediately welcomed by the fact that a past fling, Adam Magoon, was throwing a hissy fit because she was talking to me. Adam is Burgundy's brother, so I'm assume he's been told some crazy things about me. But according to him, I, "exploited his sister." I guess he yelled at her a bunch, told her they couldn't talk anymore if she was talking to me, and then stormed over to pick up his Zune and return books he borrowed from her to impress her by reading. She was pretty upset about it all and I could tell because she was stuttering through her attempts to avoid the topic. It was the first time I'd seen her at all upset about something in forever, so I tried my hardest to calm her down. After a little while of sitting in the kitchen and talking about people and politics and then I suggested we go out for a walk. It was really beautiful out; one of those perfect fall evenings where street lampposts are like lightbulbs shaded by the opaque yellows and lime greens of the dying leaves still on trees. The temperature and colors were just so relaxing. We held hands and went down to Vale Cemetery to swing on the swingset. No matter what we're doing, she always has music playing from something, like she needs a soundtrack to every second, and I really love that. From there, we walked to Bombers. She got a quesadilla and I got a bowl of tofu smothered in medium hot sauce. I don't know, I just was dying for something slathered in hot sauce. We sat there for a bit and then walked down to the park by the Mohawk in the Stockade. We sat on the spinny thing, which as far as I know doesn't have any other name, and I ended up getting off because I get nauseas quick when it comes to spinning. It was so nice out, I couldn't believe it. We tried to find a tree to climb, but all the trees were climb-proof. We walked back to her place and on the way, she started getting calls from a restricted number over and over. She got a voicemail and said, "Watch, it's probably Adam." It was. Then she started listening and saying crazy things to me, so childish and nonsensical, that I thought she was joking. But then she let me listen to it and I found out she wasn't. Adam was drunk (of course; he's an alcoholic) and this is what he had to say: "YOU FUCKING CUNT! YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING BITCH IN THE WORLD, I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW AWFUL YOU ARE! YOU FUCKING WHORECUNTBITCH NIGGER!" Something, something. "HE'S THE WORST FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD! IF I EVER SEE YOU AND DAVE FUCKING GUNN IN PUBLIC, I'M GONNA RAPE YOU AND MURDER HIM! I'LL SLIT HIS THROAT AND FUCK HIS NECK! FUCKING NIGGER!" It was totally insane. Like, I didn't even know there was a level of inebriation that could make you say such stupid things. He kept calling and she eventually picked up, screamed until she felt better, and hung back up. I did what I could with my charm to get her mind off of it. But when we got back to her house, he had immediately messaged her on Facebook with further stupidity, made a comment on a political forum about how she has, "allied herself with the biggest socialist he's ever met," and, "due to the politics of the situation, was almost definitely going to wind up arrested." Yes, bringing your drunken hometown drama is definitely appropriate on a forum regarding American economics, Adam. I myself got some hilarious stuff, too. To my MySpace, he messaged me saying, "Don't forget about me. Because you are going down." HAHA! Yes, someone actually said those words to me. To my Facebook, since he felt it necessary to get a hold of me through two different online avenues, he said, "Let me find you in public. I will fucking slit your throat." Seriously! It sounds so corny to be true, but these are the words he sent me, directly inspired by either Slipknot or any corny action film you've ever seen! Of course, I had to reply, and I did, giving him my address and telling him to come on over if he ever wanted to substantiate his threats. Oh, I almost forgot! He commented on my poem "Lesser Than Or Equal To" and said one of the most confusing things ever sent to me out of blind hatred: "Wow this is the most homosexual thing I have ever seen. Stop hating gay people you prejudiced mother fucker." It was almost as if in the first sentence, he said something retarded, and in the second one responded to his own statement. It was all so funny to me. And I hope he actually confronts me in public, because I will gladly fight him. I hate alcoholic gamer losers, people who use the N word, and Burgundy's amazing cat Jasper would still be alive today if he didn't throw his dirty clothes into the dryer while he was in a drunken stupor without realizing there was a giant cat laying inside. Amy and I talked and talked and talked and talked, then laid on her living room floor and watched two episodes of Bullshit, one about immigration and one about exorcism, then fell asleep. I woke up at 7:30 and walked home. I went through Central Park to admire the foliage and morning glow of everything. The way blades of grass sparkle with that dew of moisture is so pretty. I took pictures of trees. I saw a woodpecker! As I approached State St., the 55 pulled up and Kara got off. Perfect timing. We went back to my house and I made her watch Hellboy 2 with me. It was mediocre, but entertaining. She wanted to go outside, so we walked to Altamont Ave. and to the Goodwill, where I told myself I'd try to buy an actual pair of pants for a change. But within minutes of being in there, I changed my mind. We sat outside on the curb and she was acting all miserable and stuff. We went to Hannaford and sat around. I was fiending for snacks like a pregnant woman, so I got a box of fruit snacks and ate the entire thing while we were there. Then I got Moon Pie peanut butter and chocolate cookies and we headed out. I wanted to go over to Hollywood Video for the first time in over a year and see if I still owed tons of money for a DVD I never returned. The last time I waited a long time because of something like that, the fine disappeared, further validating my, "Ignore it and it will go away," theory. I wanted to see if it worked out for me again. I had the guy scan my card and, sure enough, no fine. I was able to rent movies. So I got out four and then had my grandmother come and pick us up from there. Kara was really dragging me down. She had told me what was wrong earlier, but it was all self-defeating insanity and when I tried to offer advice, she even took that and turned it into reasons to hate herself. It was really aggravating, because she was acting the way she was acting before Tara came along and I stopped talking to her as much. When we got back to my house, we watched Shrink, Kevin Spacey's newest film. It was equal parts funny and smart and for some reason full of beautiful people. I liked it a lot. Kara stressed me out with her misery so bad, that I just wanted to leave. So I did the next best thing and went to sleep. It was around 6. I don't think she slept while I slept, so I feel kinda bad, but I didn't know what else to do. As someone who is battling with depression every single day, I just don't have time to pacify people who are literally miserable about nothing at all. Lately, it's been so tough to keep upbeat, that I've been taking two pills instead of one, which makes me shaky and type words without noticing online, but makes me feel safer from my demons than if I just took one. I woke up when she left and then stayed asleep until today when I woke up around 10:30. I had a lot of dreams about Tara. Just watching her smile from a distance. I woke up hurting because of it. I watched The Girlfriend Experience, which is the newest Steven Soderbergh film starring my favorite pornstar, Sash Grey. It was really dark, cinematographically and plot-wise, and I thought it was pretty good, even though they could have put more power behind what they were trying to say. Sasha was amazing in it. I ate a can of chili cold and then walked in light rain to my grandmother's. I've spent all day here and I'm going home after I post this to watch movies by myself. ( Ode to fall. ) The colorful leaves we see strewn all over the ground are actually dead leaves. Fall is proof that life, even at its most miserable, is really fucking interesting and beautiful. 12 comments|post comment

I miss you. [03 Nov 2009|02:32pm] [ mood | melancholy ] I miss your big shiny eyes behind even bigger shinier glasses. I miss your nose hitting mine when we kiss. I miss your lips that fit with mine so well that I momentarily considered fate a reasonable concept. I miss your cheek bones. I miss your hair that complimented your face so well whether it be professionally done or disheveled by a long night's sleep. I miss your loud laugh and your confident voice. I miss the way you could put me in my place and use my past arguments and theories to prove to me that I was wrong about something. I miss your ears paying close attention to every stupid thing I said. I miss kissing your ear lobes and thin neck and feeling your bones melt. I miss holding your hands and gliding my thumb along your thumb. I miss your skin and how it was so soft that grazing it with my hands almost tickled myself. I miss you pouting your lips obnoxiously and closing your eyes and holding the position until I notice and lean over the car to kiss you. I miss your goofy smile you make while looking down like a bashful little girl. I miss your tiny teeth and big grin. I miss you driving with one hand so you can hold mine. I miss staring at your profile as you drive, not noticing. I miss you tapping to songs on the steering wheel and not matching the beat or rhythm even the tiniest bit. I miss laughing with you. I miss making you think and you making me think. I miss the freckles across your face, on your shoulders, scattered on your arms. I miss the symmetry of your bony collar bones and shoulders. I miss pressing my face in between your shoulder blades and breathing into your skin that maintained its delicateness even under the moisture of my deep sighs. I miss my hands on your waist and my kisses around your bellybutton. I miss the surface between your breasts and the beauty mark on your left areola. I miss your protruding hip bones and hips that sometimes pop. I miss your small butt, meaty thighs, and skinny calves. I miss your old woman feet and your hatred of them being looked at or touched. I miss pushing into you and feeling life rise from me like steam from a used frying pan having cold water poured onto it. I miss your boisterous bursts of gasps and moans between graphically pornographic dirty talk. I miss your nails digging into my arms and my hands slapping parts of you. I miss your disregard for pain and physical redefinition of pleasure. I miss your submissiveness between sheets and in the dark. I miss sweat shredded onto each other's bodies like flakes from a grater. I miss exchanging body fluids on a bed sheet that's never been cleaned, staining it with passion. I miss lying there, not being able to move like we just attacked one another. I miss tying into a knot with you and sleeping for twelve hours undisturbed. I miss the way you always smelled like something sweet and controversial even after days without showering. I miss waking up because I know I'll see you. I miss brushing our teeth together and looking at your reflection in the mirror instead of my own. I miss how you would leave with me at 2 in the morning even though you were tired just to get me a Pepsi, without me even asking. I miss the way you'd look at me and how I never felt like I should hide myself. I miss you running your fingers through my hair and beard. I miss you getting excited over trying new vegan foods. I miss you telling me stories about how you told someone something I told you. I miss you retaining information and getting me into new bands. I miss you crying during movies. I miss feeling your body tremble down to the marrow with every emotion you've ever felt around me. I miss how beautiful you looked even with tears running down your face and snot falling from your nose. I miss you telling me your secrets. I miss knowing that someone knew me inside and out. I miss the way you'd make me smile uncontrollably and unashamedly without really doing anything at all. I miss watching you from my apartment window as you walked to and from your car every day, like you were nervous. I miss your crooked stance. I miss your knobby knees and bruised thighs. I miss you cutting my hair and bleeding for a half hour because the scissors cut you and your blood doesn't clot because of Von Willebrand Disease. I miss the way you'd wake up with one sock on. I miss long drives. I miss two-hour post-sex conversations in the dark. I miss knowing we could both say we're sorry when we were wrong and move on from there. I miss you talking shit about every girl I'd ever mention being attractive like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum of jealousy. I miss making you dinner and the way you'd say thank you. I miss your good ideas for getting out of the house. I miss your pretending-I-can't-sing voice in the car while we listen to music even though you have an incredible singing voice in all actuality. I miss how T.I.'s "Whatever You Like" is such a stupid song, but a song we considered 'our song'. I miss driving through the snowy winter in the middle of the night, listening to The Good Life, and me feeling like I was floating in a moment. I miss watching you bowl and somehow getting a strike and the way you'd clap for yourself. I miss how tough you were and how you handled everything that has happened to you like a woman with superhuman strength. I miss how you'd ask me, "Ya want that bike?" every time we'd drive by one that was unattended. I miss you telling me about how you just painted or drew something. I miss the way you'd cry over something silly, like when I picked you a flower at Thacher's Park before we climbed up some rocks to an area we weren't supposed to go to. I miss how you'd slow down the car so I could take a picture of the sky. I miss feeling like I was enough for someone for the first time in my entire life. I miss the way you'd give something to me that I forgot I even needed. I miss the way we'd pick on each other like middle schoolers with crushes. I miss the way I'd spank you and how you would wine, "Daaaaaaaaave!" because you considered it a tease. I miss the way you liked looking at pictures and videos of dead people. I miss the way we could talk about porn and gross stuff together. I miss the way we both had screwed-up pasts with our families. I miss how I was a total loser and you still chose me. I miss you. Every single day. Every single night. You haunt my dreams. I wonder if you ever think about me. 10 comments|post comment

"Got a painful swelling brain." [31 Oct 2009|01:11pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Devo - S.I.B. (Swelling Itching Brain) | Powered by Last.fm ] Is it okay if I have no interest in Halloween whatsoever? 98% of all candy isn't vegan and I don't drink, so I can't imagine what I'd possibly do with today even if I wanted to do something. I kinda just want to cuddle with someone and watch lame horror movies in my apartment. But I don't have someone to do that with. Darn. Yesterday was full of boredom-induced panic attacks. I got my check, so I have money now for a few weeks. But there was no one to hang out with. Kara was at the bakery, Amy was with her future husband, Hannah was going to Vermont, my little sister was skating. I watched a movie when I woke up called Freedom Writers. It was really fucking moving. The race war that happen in poor communities is an important issue to me and watching what this teacher did singlehandedly in her own area was really inspirational. I, like, wanted to cry. I tried to make shake 'n' bake tofu, but it tasted horrible, more than likely because I use pre-flavored tofu. I'll use a plain block next time. I walked to my grandmoter's to use her computer. I cashed my check at Price Chopper and paid my rent. I stopped by the office to get them to send someone over to fix my broken toilet handle. Even though it was 2 when I asked, no one ever came. Kara couldn't hang out because her parents don't make any sense. I called every low-cost spay/neutering service in the area and not a single one answered their phone. So I ordered Chinese food from my grandmother's phone and walked back home to wait for it and watch a Woody Allen movie called The Front, where he plays a cashier whose friends pay him to front for them and their television scripts after they're blacklisted in 1950s Hollywood for being Communist sympathizers. It was really good. The ending, when Woody Allen says to the board of anti-Communist judges, "And furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves!" I laughed so loud and wanted to clap (but didn't because I would have felt stupid). My food took over an hour to show up. When he got here, I asked, "Why'd it take an hour?" He just laughed, either because he didn't care or because he didn't understand me. I'm glad I never tip those people. I watched Gus Van Sant's directorial debut from the mid-'80s, Mala Noche, and was overcome with boredom right away. Just because it's queer doesn't make it artistic, Gus! The pretty black and white cinematography couldn't make up for the horrible acting. I took a shower because my grandmother told me I smelled bad earlier in the day and then started walking downtown. It was a nice night for a walk. When I got downtown, I went into Bombers to make change and was confronted by one of the regular cashiers who exclaimed, "Oh, my gawd! You're not wearin' a hat!" obviously confusing me with my brother. I called my mother from a payphone and asked her to get my father to pick me up on his way to pick Amber up from Rollerama. Waiting for him, I sat on the corner of State and Erie with my headphones on, staring at everyone passing by in their vehicles, all accompanied by someone else. I was so jealous. When I got to my parents' house, I listened to my mother bitch about nothing and then fell asleep on the couch around midnight. I'm back on an almost normal sleep schedule, which is nice because I actually like to experience the day time sometimes. I helped my mother set up her Facebook account, which was unbearable since she doesn't know how to spell anything. I'm gonna try to see Paranormal Activity with my little sister, but whether or not Bow Tie will allow me into their theater is something I won't know until we get there. If they tell me I have to leave, I'm going to sigh and say, "You're thinking of my brother." Since they really only have a face and beard banned, rather than a name, I'm almost certain they can't really kick me out either way. We'll see. I think Kara and I are spending the rest of the day and night together, doing the opposite of what everyone else is doing. Here's a poem I wrote last night, about you-know-who. I think it'll be the last time I write about her in poetry of mine... "Lesser Than Or Equal To" You're itchy skin that I want to scratch until there's no more flesh to be itchy. You're a cavity I want to fill. A rotting root to a dying tree in my mouth that I want to yank out. You're the trigger I want to pull to a bullet that will only go halfway through my forehead. We are the tree that fell in the woods without anyone to hear it. You're sun I'm staring at even though it burns my eyes. You're loose eye lashes caught in my eye and food caught in the back of my throat. You're a downhill bike ride with a flat tire and no brakes through a red light. We are a halfway decent story never committed to paper. You're the bandage that hurts more to rip off than the wound did in the first place. You're the high fructose corn syrup in every beverage I enjoy. You're every single sentence, conversation, story, project, book, movie, goal that I started but never finished. We aren't anything at all anymore. We are much as nothing can possibly be. 12 comments|post comment

"Water falls in their fetal stage." [29 Oct 2009|05:48pm] [ mood | exhausted ] "We're a lukewarm people for all our feast days and hard work. Not much touches us, but we long to be touched. We lie awake at night willing the darkness to part and show us a vision. Our children frighten us with their intimacy, but we make sure they grow up like us. Lukewarm like us." Monday was really beautiful out. It was temperate hoodie weather (t-shirt weather if you were directly under the sun's projection) and the lighting on the reds, oranges, yellows, greens, and greys of fall's destruction made everything around me look perfect. I talked to Hannah online and we decided to hang out for a couple hours. We've re-established the friendship we had in high school so quickly, it's as if we never stopped talking. I really like hanging out with her because I never have to watch my mouth or be skeptical of the things she's saying she thinks and believes and feels. Plus, she's really strange and it's entertainment to be witness to. She picked me up from my parents' house and we drove to the park by the Mohawk in the pretty part of the Stockade area. When we walked to it from the car, most of the benches were oddly occupied by male-male duos. A group of scumbags gathered at a picnic table to smoke up and play the only Bob Marley song people seem to know of from a rusty little car. Hannah and I just plopped ourselves into the grass and colorful leaves somewhere smack dab in the middle of everything. The weather was so amazing, I kept finding myself silenced by my appreciation of it. Hannah was looking all fly, as she always does, with her big sunglasses on and her new Blackberry phone that is every digital thing imaginable stuffed into a cellphone. She put on a radio station of hip-hop beat instrumentals and we just chilled out in the grass and leaves, exchanging sarcasms and complaints. She took a picture of me and said I looked cute. It made me smile, which made me feel anything but cute. Around 4, she drove me back to my apartment and I hung out there until Kara showed up. She brought me yummy vegan peanut butter cookies. I made her scrambled tofu for dinner and myself two vegan cheeseburgers. We watched a Zach Galifianakis DVD and then laid around and listened to music in the dark, cuddling and whatnot. We watched Little Children and she got picked up at 11. I rode my bike to my parents' place after that, with a hammer in hand, and took a different route that I've since decided I like much better than the one I usually take. I woke them up when I came in and we stayed up watching TV together. Hannah and I hung out again the next day. This time, we drove out to Plotter Kill, an awe-inspiring hiking spot out past the richer area of Rotterdam. I was surprised it was only ten or so minutes from us. It was kinda chilly out, but nothing we couldn't get comfortable in. When we got there, there was a surprising amount of cars parked and cute people hiking. Didn't really expect that many people to be hiking on a Tuesday morning in late October. Every time I took a step, my sneakers would pull my ankle socks off inside the shoe. I had to keep stopping and pulling them back on. Because of the hole in my right shoe, mud, sticks, rocks, and other uncomfortable fragments of the preserve poked in through. We followed a train for a minute. We passed a tree that someone spraypainted WU-TANG on. We went down wooden stairs that had corny stuff written on it about partying and smoking weed. I was totally confused why anyone would need narcotics out in such a captivating and beautiful area, as if you can't get high in a much superior way by embracing the serenity and flawlessness of nature in all its glory. We got to cross a cute little bridge over the water and then sat by a waterfall for fifteen minutes. I sat right on the edge and got lost in its flow. We walked some more, but ended up turning around and going along a downward trail as opposed to the uphill ones ahead of us. We found ourselves at a smaller stream with tinier waterfalls. As Hannah exclaimed, "A baby waterfall!" We talked a lot. I love our conversations. And I got drowsy being almost sedated by the stream and clarity of the air I was breathing into my lungs. We sat there for almost an hour before leaving and walking back up the steep hike to the trail. She brought me back to my parents' place after a drive filled with hits by Michael Jackson in the car. I sat online for a little bit and then gave Amy Vreeland a call. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore, so I figured I'd try to be friends again. She invited me along to a speaking about the New World Order in Albany by a guy from the John Birch Society. I rode my bike to her place around 3:30 or so and we just talked and talked and talked. Amy is intimidating. She has an aura of so much drive and motivation and is a lot smarter than I am. Watching and listening to her can be exhausting sometimes because she's just so sure of everything she states. She's one of the only people to ever introduce me to new ideas and political theories. And she picked up where she left off the last time we spoke right away. She gets prettier every time I see her and she was dressed up all fancy for the event we were going to. Every corner of her is symmetrical and pretty and every other sentence out of her mouth makes me laugh or pontificate. Her mother came home, who as far as I knew didn't like me, but had no idea who I was. I thought she did, until she asked me, "Are you from Schenectady?" It was pretty amusing. We sat on her porch and talked while she chainsmoked. A little after 6, her friend Steven picked us up. He's a very politically active guy, in his mid-thirties, who ran for Congress not too long ago (and lost). He's a libertarian, so we agree on a lot of the same things. He hooked both me and Amy up with a ticket to the event, which was going to sell out. It was happening at the Marriot on Wolf Road in Colonie. When we got there, I immediately felt out of place. It was the nicest hotel I'd ever been inside of and everyone attending the speaking was in formal attire, ties and polished shoes. Amy and I were the youngest people there, separated by at least twenty years. I was absolutely shocked at the turn-out, as well as the apparent demographic of older people. In my mind of broad generalizations, I just always assumed most people born and raised in the first part of the century were all conservative and, well, stupid. We got seats in the back while Steven stood around and was greeted by everyone there. Amy told me stories about how unrealistically kind and giving he is and we just kinda swooned over it a lot, watching him from afar in his socially awkward stance offset by his confident grin. The introduction was the most uncomfortable I had felt in a really long time, because they had us all stand and proceeded with a prayer, and then the Pledge of Allegiance. They made references to God way too many times for my liking. He mostly spoke of the history of the Bavarian Illuminati and the New World Order, mostly stuff I already knew about, and even though the title of the event was, "How to Stop the New World Order", he spent maybe two minutes actually giving advice on how to stop them, which was to spread knowledge and run in your area as a libertarian. By the end's nearing, Amy was fidgeting so bad, I actually wondered if people were staring. She's such a socially anxious person, even though she's more extroverted than I am. After it was over, we went outside so Amy could smoke and spoke for a few minutes with a writer for the Metroland interested in the group Amy and Steven were part of, Campaign For Liberty. We went back inside and watched Steven politely mangle, and then spoke to this absolutely gorgeous girl named Billie-Jean. Knowing she was passionate about her politics made her even more attractive. She immediately told me I look like Mike Moak from After the Fall. She made the best facial gestures while speaking and I couldn't keep my creepy eyes off of her. We left shortly after and Steven brought us both back to Amy's. She made us both pasta with really spicy sauce and we talked the night away, listening to doo-wop and folk, until we fell asleep together on her living room floor to an episode of The IT Crowd, a hilarious Irish sitcom. I got a Truth Box comment that said, "Why do you think Burgundy STILL talks shit about you in her livejournal? I thought she was a 'mature college student' who didn't care about you anymore? Very odd." I don't read her journal, so I don't know anything about what she might say about me. But it's definitely pretty amusing that she would even still bring me up. In all honesty, I still miss that girl every day of my life and I still keep her picture in my wallet. When we woke up the next morning, it was drizzling out. I rode my bike in the rain back to my parents' place and wasn't sure what to do. I was really hungry, but there wasn't a scape of anything I could possibly eat in the house. They had no gas, so I couldn't get a ride home. And my grandmother was bowling, so she wasn't around to pick me up. It sucked. So I laid on the couch, hungry and bored out of my mind. I went to Wal*Mart with my father to pick my mom up for her lunch break and bought some Morningstar barbecue riblets and chick'n burgers. It was really depressing sitting back and watching my parents stress out about where they're going to move and how they're going to pay the bills. When we pulled into the driveway, they noticed the papers taped to the front door about having thirty days to leave the apartment. Their piece of shit landlord has decided he's selling the place, so they're getting kicked out, right before Christmas, without any sympathy or even much advance notice. I hung out with my father the rest of the day and then he brought me home after picking the kids up from school. My shoes were soaked and it sucked. I walked in the rain to my grandmother's so I could use the computer, since I had plans with Amy and needed to find out what was going on. When I got in, I signed onto AIM and was simultaneously IMed by two girls I really wish I knew as people who needed to let me know that they had little to no interest in getting to know me, because they already know me, without actually knowing me. It really hurt my feelings, but I tried to remain calm and mature in the situations, trying hard to understand where they were coming from. One said, "I think you're brilliant and have a lot of potential to have an absolutely amazing life. But, one thing that turns me off to you, as like someone to surround myself with, is your negativity." The other said, "i really just don't know if i can be friends with you. because i don't agree with half the shit you believe in. you can't be straight edge and be promiscuous. it doesn't work like that. and it's like you don't want to accomplish anything. you don't want to give back in any way. you don't want to better yourself. and i do. i have goals. very very big ones." She added, "go to school or get a job. then try and be my friend." It really sucked. Two people telling me they don't want to hang out with me because they know how shitty I am, when they haven't hung out with me before and therefore don't know who I am to make that assessment. It was unfair and very discouraging. I got a ride to my house where I put on some clean clothes and then over to Amy's. I talked with her and her mother for a little bit and then Steven came and picked us up. My shoes were squishy with all the water they had absorbed on my walk from my apartment to my grandmother's. Even with plastic bags over my socks, they got soaked, too. I would be attending my first meeting with the few members of Campaign For Liberty. I was looking forward to meeting new people and maybe becoming more active politically. It was happening at the library in Albany. When we got there, only about six people besides ourselves were there, and it was mostly them talking about plans that I knew little about. They were all so much smarter than me and it was scary to be around. But I maintained my composure and acted as the interested bystander. Listening to Steven talk is great because he's so intelligent and passionate. After the meeting, after 9 or something, the three of us decided to go to Bombers in Schenectady. Amy offered to buy me tofu fries. It was the first time I had eaten there in over a month. I saw my brother there and talked to him for a few minutes, then ate with Steven and Amy. Amy said funny things and I tried to keep up. Of course, my tofu fries came out with only a couple pieces of tofu and no barbecue sauce. I didn't bother complaining. We listened to the drunk people upstairs sing karaoke. They were all horrible up until a woman named Sierra got on and did an incredibly skilled rendition of an Alanis Morisette song. Steven dropped us off at Amy's and I spent the night again. We got into an hour-long debate in the kitchen about capitalism and it was the most intellectually stimulated I'd been in quite possibly years. She explained her views, I explained mine, and I think in all fairness, our views of what a Utopian society would be and could be are both pretty flawless and practical. I had to hug her after because I was just so overwhelmed by how intelligent and passionate she is. Her mom came in a little tipsy and told me I look like the Geico caveman. We sat on the living room floor under a blanket and listened to music, just talking. I feel close to Amy. I like being around her. She successfully nurtures every mood and emotion within me all at once. I stayed the night and we slept together on the floor again. I woke up today and started walking home. Suzi's mom found me and picked me up in her new car. I love seeing that woman. It wasn't too bad out, so I enjoyed walking up until then. When I got home, I watched a movie called Normal about a man who decides to get a sex change despite his twenty-five year marriage to a woman and living in a rural Christian town. It was pretty powerful and well-done. I walked to my grandmother's after so I could come write this entry. My grandmother decided it was finally time to take Baby, her dead maltese, out of the backyard freezer and to the animal shelter to finally be cremated. She asked me to come with her because she couldn't do it alone and needed someone, "to help hold open doors and stuff." Baby only ways ten pounds, and by the time I finished declining, I realized she just didn't want to go do this alone. So I went with her. It was sad. While waiting at the Animal Protective Foundation on Maple Ave., a loud black woman with her friend and two kids yelled at the women about her chihuahua that was taken from her by the police. She was being a bitch to everyone and then they brought up a kitten the little boy had killed by 'accidentally' crushing it under a chair. When he said that, the woman behind the counter said to the one woman filling out an adoption form, "Don't bother finishing the form. We don't want you adopting any of our animals." My grandmother was nice enough to order my Chinese food! I'm eating it right now. I'm supposed to go see Laura Stella in Albany after this. I just got a Truth Box comment a half hour ago that said, "Why aren't you famous yet? if people like Stephanie Meyer can make people fall in love with their crap, why shouldn't people with, I dunno... ORIGINAL thoughts be noticed for theirs? No fair." How nice is that? Another stupid meme, courtesy of carissa_has_lj.<3 Is the person you last texted single? Nope. Hardly anyone's single anymore. Do you get jealous easily? Yup. Over anyone who has anything that I don't/can't have (which is everyone). Are you wasting your time on the person you like? I'm not wasting my time on them anymore, thankfully. What are you currently waiting for? Friday, because I get my check. I'm gonna spend November going to places that aren't here. And I'm actually really looking forward to Tofurkey Day with my family (mostly because they're willing to pay for the Tofurkey). Do you think more about the past, present, or future? All three, all the time. Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? I want Tara to come back. But since she's not going to, I'd gladly accept the company of just about anyone. Honestly, do you really love the last person you said I love you to? Of course. Why would I say it otherwise? Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have perfect vision, bitches. Who were the last people you saw besides from family? Amy Vreeland and a really nice guy in his thirties named Steven. Do you have nice eyes? They're eyes. It's hard to screw eyes up. Have you ever received a love letter more than a page long? I don't think I've ever received a love letter. Darn. If something was wrong who would be the first girl you'd go to? KARA.<3 Is this year the best year of your life? NO! Which of your friends lives closest to you? Bianca! How do you feel about Dr Pepper? Eh, it's okay, I guess. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried over them? Never, because they're a superhuman with a superheart. Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis? Tanning is stupid. Accept your skin tone! Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't? Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World. Remember when people said he died?! Does your bedroom need cleaning? Yes. Forever. Will it ever get done? Probably not. Flowers or chocolate? Neither. July 4th or St. Patrick's Day? Both of those holidays are stupid. Yard sale or Goodwill? Either has potential. Goodwill's a pretty overpriced thrift store, though. Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast? I don't want to take a relationship in either speed. Are you comfortable with your height? I guess so. The weight is the real problem. Do you act differently around the person you like? I never see that person, and never will. But if I did, I'd probably act dizzy and nervous and depressed. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Kara loves me. A few people enjoy my company. Everyone else hates me or is indifferent. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There was. Do you like thunderstorms? Not really, since I have to worry about the Internet or electricity shutting off. My apartment's electricity is very sensitive. How fast does your mood change? Not very quickly. Are there things that can't be joked about with you? Animal slaughter/consumption. "I'm gonna eat some dead animal now, hahahahah!" No, it's not fucking funny, you asshole. What do you always take with you? Asthma inhaler, keys, iPod. When is your birthday? February 9th! Where is the weirdest place you have slept? Either the fire escape of an abandoned apartment building in Brooklyn, or the alleyway behind the dumpsters in Burlington. Anything on your walls? Not anymore. I took everything down to pretend I'm on the verge of moving. Is there something that you want to tell someone but can't? I say whatever I want to whoever I want whenever I want as it is. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more? Yes. And I have. Do you crack your knuckles? Yeah. Mostly in my sleep. Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? I haven't done it since Elementary School when I did a speech at my D.A.R.E. graduation. But I'm pretty sure I could handle it now. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? FUCK YES. I LOVE SHARKS! Does anyone know your passwords besides you? Nope. Have you ever kissed someone under fireworks? On our two-year anniversary, fireworks started going off by Colonie Mall. What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a boyfriend? Hate her and myself a little bit more than I already do. What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? Pepsi. I bet you miss somebody right now... Always. Do you have a box where you keep all your important things? Yeah. My memory box. How many times have you dyed your hair? Several times in the 10th grade, but not since then, because putting money and effort into your look is stupid. Can you count past 100? Yes? If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? Probably. I love nature and I'm pretty sure I'm invincible. Are you afraid of shots? I'm afraid of vaccines. Is there someone you can tell anything to? Kara! Actually, I tell almost anything to almost anyone who will listen. Do you lead people on ever? No. That's fucked-up. At this moment in time if you HAD to have someone's name tattooed on you whose would it be? VOLTAIRE! Most memorable thing that's happened to you over the summer? Fell in love again. Had my heart fucked with and broken again. Has anyone called you perfect before? Yup. They were fucking lying. Do your best friends’ parents tend to like you? I don't meet parents. They scare me. What’s your all-time favorite ROMANCE movie? The Last Kiss. So real, so heartbreaking. Are any of your friends taller than you? Not that I know of. Name the bands you have band tees for: Peachcake, Nine Inch Nails, A Wilhelm Scream, Crystal Castles, Ghost Mice, The Ghost Sonata, Remembering Never, Casey Jones, The Wonder Years, New Found Glory, gONNA gET gOT, Karate High School, Armor For Sleep, Some Girls, Blink-182, Mindless Self Indulgence, Zebrahead, Good For Nothing, Caleb Lionheart, Beware! the Other Head of Science, and the list goes on. Do you prefer the ocean or pool? I don't care. Let's swim! Ever really cried your heart out? Way too many times. Ever liked someone whose last name started with a B? Lisa Bordeau. Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009? Sort of. Is there a difference between love and IN love? I think so. Have you ever been on a motorcycle? No. Fuck motorcycles. Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don't? Yes. Fuck those people who do that. Do you speak any other language other than English? Pig Latin. Sike. Did 2008 treat you good? Nope. Years don't like me. Do you think you were raised well? Not really. I'm definitely fucked up in a lot of irreversible ways, but it also helped shape the strong points about myself, too. I guess it could have been worse. Could you name all 50 states and point to them on a map? Nope! I'm a typical American. Are you someone's best friend? Yes! Lucky me! Where was the last place you were when you got sick? Home, after the last time I kissed Tara. Have you ever smuggled something into America? No. I've only gotten to leave America once. :( What's your favorite super-hero? Dennis Kucinich. Can you say the alphabet backward? Probably. Pen or pencil? Computer keyboard. Do you get bad headaches? Sometimes. Stress-induced, I think. What's worse: liars or cheaters? Liars are the worst people, period. Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? I could never date someone who smokes. What's usually colder, your hands or your feet? In the winter, my feet die. Give me a random lyric from the song you're listening to: "Let's follow our hearts and make something of ourselves!" Do you like competition? No. Not necessary. Do you think two people can last forever? Yes. But they probably won't. Do you consider yourself lucky? I don't believe in luck. Do you live in a ghetto neighborhood? A ghetto in training. I've gotten jumped and robbed before. People get shot in the face on my block, women get set on fire, everyone sells and/or uses drugs, cops turn their cheek to crimes they could prevent. It sucks here. Is there someone that cares about you more than themselves? Kara might. Who was the ugliest person you saw today? Myself. Freedom or safety? Freedom entails safety. Has a song ever made you cry? Anything by Noah and the Whale can make my eyes swell up with tears. And "Album of the Year" by The Good Life would really fuck me up if I listened to it right now. A book ever made you cry? The Perks of Being a Wallflower almost did. Is the world crumbling to pieces? Pretty much. We're fucked. How many states in the U.S. have you been to? At least eleven. Where did you grow up? Schenectady, NY. And I'm still here. :( Do you have any kids? No. I have a conscience. If yes how many? Is your handwriting large, tiny, or pretty normal? Pretty normal. Will you be dating someone in a month? I don't date. Your phone rings, what do you say? "Hi," is probably all I'd be able to muster before the phone ended the call, since I only have .08 minutes left on it. Has anyone ever said they wanted to marry you? Nope. Burgundy and I talked about it before, though. I woulda married that girl, can you believe it? Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader? No. I have asthma and am horribly out of shape. fml. Is your birthday on a holiday? It's near Valentine's Day. But that's not a real holiday. Do you ever cry during romantic movies? Sometimes, I want to. But I haven't yet. Do you always answer your phone? No. I didn't have one until a few weeks ago. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? Yes. They were lying. Who was the last person you had a sleepover with? Amy! Are you ticklish? Nope. I'm dead inside! Sike. Is there someone you wish you were still close with? I want Tara back in my fucking life. Among others. 26 comments|post comment

"I got rice cooking in the microwave. Got a three-day beard I don't plan to shave..." [26 Oct 2009|01:17pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Travis Tritt: "It's a Great Day to Be Alive" ] Very curious. Who reads this journal and how many of you are there? If you are reading this, leave a comment and let me know who or at least where you are from. Thanks. A meme, donated to me by drytowel, because I'm bored out of my fucking mind. What did you do last night? Slept and slept and slept and ate mashed potatoes and peas and slept. What was the first thing you thought about in the morning? 'I miss Tara.' What are you wearing right now? To Hell and Back Pitbull Rescue shorts, Some Girls t-shirt, hoodie. Are you in love with someone? Yeah. She hates me. Life is inconvenient. When was the last time you got drunk? NEVER! Do you think you are a freak? 'Freak' isn't really the right word. I'm more of an alien on a dying planet. Partying or watching a movie? Id come to your stupid party if you invited me! But that's not likely, so probably watching a movie. What pisses you off the most? Scene kids and hipsters, animal cruelty, domestic violence, homophobia, religion, the rich, politics, never having what I want and/or need, and girls liking every scumbag on the planet but me. Last thing you questioned yourself on? Whether or not I wanted or should want to remain straightedge. I chose to stay straightedge. Bars or clubs? Neither. What is the main ringtone on your phone? A boring, basic ring. Where do you want to be at a year from now? Anywhere but here, with anyone who gives a shit. How many kids would you like to have? None. Having kids is selfish. If anything, I'd adopt. What is your favorite trait about yourself? I'm real. I guess that's pretty cool. Anything bothering you right now? I miss Tara and still can't believe how things ended between us. I'm bored and lonely right now. I have $7 left in my wallet and therefore nothing to do with myself. It's becoming winter. My mom is an alcoholic. I keep begging people to hang out and they keep giving me vague answers that lead me to believe they have no interest in hanging out ever. I'm ugly and can't get girls. Et ceter, et cetera. What do you do to relieve stress? Masturbate, watch a movie, or ride my bike. Or I just deal with it and wait for it to go away. Do you like pickles? Eh, they're okay. Are you proud of yourself? No. Do you wish upon stars? No. That would be fucking stupid. What is your one possession you never want to lose? My iPod. God, that sounds pathetic. Who was the last friend to walk out of your life? Tara. She stomped out, though and left tracks of mud on the carpet (metaphorically speaking). :( Do you miss them? More than anything else. But they're not coming back, so like with everything else that happens to me, I just have to sit and wait for the hurting to go away. Would you want them back in your life? I want to be with this girl so fucking bad, it's ridiculous. I shouldn't even want to after everything she put me through. But I do. What is your relationship status? Single. Unwanted. Unappealing. Unattractive. Are you happy with that? No. I wish I were at least attractive enough to get laid every now and then. But I can't even manage that. Do your parents have myspace accounts? Yeah. It was weird, because over the summer, arguments actually happened about one deleting the other from their top friends. Are the majority of your friends male or female? Female. I can't relate to guys. Would you go back and change any part of your life? I think about this way too much. If I could, I'd ask Tara out way back in April and keep my mouth shut to Trevor so I could keep my job at Big Guys. Life would be so perfect right now if both those things were still in my life. I fuck everything up. Do you believe love lasts forever? No. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Of course. But I don't drive. What do you think of when you hear the word Cheese? Go vegan. What's your favorite word? Asphyxiate. What does your favorite shirt say about you? I don't think I have a favorite shirt. Do you laugh enough? Probably not. Do you believe that dreams come true? No. Because they don't. That's why they're dreams in the first place: because they're unlikely to ever happen in real life. What's one thing you would change about yourself? My shape and size. Have you ever read the book The Notebook? No, but I saw the movie. And it made me want to cry all over the place. When was the last time you got a phone call? The other night, from Hannah. Where do you work? I do not work. Living is my job, and it's hard. Who is your favorite football team? Football is stupid and uninteresting. Have you ever bobbed for apples? Nope. Have you ever thought you could do a better job at being president? YES. But not as good as Dennis Kucinich would have done! If you could only drink one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pepsi. What's one food you could eat everyday for the rest of your life? VEGAN PIZZA.<3 What was your costume for Halloween last year? I was a member of Insane Clown Posse. How many cousins do you have? I don't know. I don't care about my family tree. You're in line at Taco Bell, what's your order? Two bean and ride burritos with red sauce. And then I puke. I got a Truth Box comment today that said, "do me plz, i've had a huge crush on you for the longest time!" More than likely a joke. But if not, I wish they'd let me know who they are so I could maybe do them. 34 comments|post comment

"If you're somebody who's nobody, it's no fun to be around anybody who's everybody." [25 Oct 2009|10:11am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Bike For Three!: "Always I Will Miss You. Always You." ] I never went to sleep Wednesday night. So I was determined to stay awake all day and fall asleep at a reasonable hour. At the moment, the block I sleep in is between 9AM and 7PM. That's fucking ridiculous. Even if I don't have a reason to be awake, it's still ridiculous. I went for the ride in the morning with my mother to take my two youngest siblings to school. There's a place we pass by downtown that looks like an abandoned building if it didn't have a banner on it that said, "GRAND OPENING!" Turns out it's a meat place where they kill the animals on the premises. Mostly Indian halal shit, they kill goats, turkeys, ducks, and chickens. I kinda want to burn it the fuck down. I finally spoke up to my mother in the car about how she needs to shut up about my father. Everything I say to her, just trying to have a normal conversation, gets linked to something wrong my father did and I'm just tired of listening to it. I could say something about feeling sick and she could come back with, "I had a cold once... YOUR FATHER GAVE IT TO ME!" Not a real example, but it's really that bad. She got kinda pissy with me for bringing it up. I now see why Amber doesn't take her headphones off whenever she's around. I sat around online in the living room for a couple more hours before riding my bike back to my apartment. I got a little sad on the way, since just about every street reminds me of something that Tara and I did together, like my memories of us are graffiti on all the walls. I stopped by the library to see if there were any movies to watch. There weren't. I stopped by CVS to pick up a refill of Lexapro. It was supposed to be really nice out and I could feel it getting there. When I got to my apartment, I ignored the pile of mail sitting in my mailbox. It's all coupons disguised as newspapers, credit card offers ironically from the bank that I just lost my account with, and ads for DirecTV ironically from the cable company I owe over $300 to. I'm not wasting space in my trashcan with it anymore. So I leave it there and it eventually disappears. I don't know where it goes, but every time I ignore it and let it collect, it goes away. When I got upstairs, I drank a Pepsi and watched porn. I had full intention of getting some cleaning done, but never did, and instead caved into how exhausted I was and cuddled with my cats while listening to music. I dozed off until 5 or something when Kara and her friend who looks like Amy Adams, Laura, came and knocked on my door. I got my shit together with my eyes practically closed and left with them. When I walked outside, it was something like seventy degrees out. It was weird. We drove to Moon & River Cafe and I watched them eat yummy vegan sandwiches, while I bitched about this and that and occasionally lost track zoning out into how pretty Kara's friend Laura's face is. She became even cuter when I found out she was straightedge. As it turned out, we weren't going to New Found Glory anymore. Which was fine by me, considering I only had $20 left in my wallet and have already seen them three times. Instead, we drove to Duanesburg for no reason so Laura could visit her adoptive family for a few minutes. Driving in the dark on the winding trail through wooded area to get to the house, a young black bear ran across the way in front of the car and into the continued woods! It was so exciting. I had never seen a bear in person before. He was such a cutie, hobbling on all fours and whatnot. I ate fortune cookies and took an apple from her family. From there, we drove to Cobleskill where Laura's apartment is with her no-good ex-boyfriend that doesn't deserve to sleep with her. It's a really nice place on top a couple acres of grassy hill overlooking a beautiful view. Even though Laura claims to be a vegetarian, she still eats fish and wears leather. Which, by the way, means you're not a vegetarian. Some people call these people 'pescatarians'; I call them 'hypocritatarians'. So there wasn't any food for me to really eat. We ended up playing Apples To Apples for over two hours and eating tater tots. It was totally awesome, even if it was just the three of us. Laura has this obnoxiously loud and crazy laugh that I can't help but smile over every time. She says a lot of really funny things and Kara started to get jealous over what she thought was me 'flirting' with Laura. What she didn't understand was that I don't flirt. Flirting implies motive, which implies expectations to get something. It's always funny to see Kara's girly side. We watched Lars and the Real Girl together on a TV that is as small as I think a TV set can be. During the second half of the film, I noticed Kara acting melancholy, so we wrote and passed notes to each other about it. She was upset that I was so into Laura. Laura went to sleep after the movie and Kara and I slept on the couch in the living room. We put in Half Nelson and whispered to each other while experimenting with our maybe-wants and maybe-can-haves. We were up pass 4 in the morning and it was the first time we ever got to stay overnight somewhere together. Sleeping with someone else was nice. I got woken up by Kara way too early because we had to leave. Laura's ex-boyfriend got home from his overnight job around 9 and drove us to my place. I told Kara she had to come back home with me, so she did. Everything on the way from Cobleskill to Altamont is beautiful. We listened to a Barenaked Ladies mix and exchanged sarcasms. Laura's ex, Dan, seems like such a nice guy. It's weird to think that anyone is capable of anything and that morals and personality sometimes have no relation to one's capacity to willingly hurt someone they supposedly care about. Kind of scary, actually. I had them drop us off at the downtown library so I could try and find movies to take out. I grabbed seven movies after twenty minutes of browsing and then was faced with two doses of annoying news: 1.) they changed the policy of maximum seven DVDs out at once for two days to maximum four DVDs out at once for seven days, and 2.) I had to pay at least $9 to be able to take anything out due to late fees. I told the woman, "Well, I'm gonna go over here and deal with how annoying that is." Chose four movies, paid $10 because it was neat number. Then we waited in the cold for a half hour as the 55 took its sweet time showing up. We stopped by Family Dollar and I stole pairs of gloves for the both of us, since the gloves I stole for Kara last year from Family Dollar are all worn out. I don't even know why that store has registers. When we got to my house, I heated us each up a Tofutti pizza and we watched the documentary The God Who Wasn't There. After that, I remember that I was really tired and we ended up falling asleep together for a little while. She woke up before me, but didn't disturb me. Near 7, she finally mustered, "You should wake up." I didn't want to, but I did for her. We watched a Woody Allen movie called Melinda and Melinda and then I gave her a massage to remedy her womanly cramps. She got picked up at 9. I did the litter boxes and took the trash out. It was raining out of nowhere, so I called my mother and asked her to get my father to pick me up after he picked Amber up from Rollerama. He got me a little after 10. I honestly love hanging out with the guy. The short drives are the best. When we got to the house, Amber secluded herself to her bedroom, as she always does, and my mother apologized to me for always downing my father around me. They both opened cans of Bud Light and it almost made me want to turn and leave right away. But they said they were playing Yahtzee, so I said I'd play with them. I had nothing else to do. Hanging out and playing Yahtzee with them was pretty fucking fun. Unfortunately, the later it got, and the more alcohol that was consumed by my mother, the more tense and depressing things got. At the beginning of the first game, it was all laughs and a few heartfelt, sincere apologies from my mother to me about her behavior and mistakes as a parent. I won the first game. The second game, my parents were acting all in love and stuff. My mother won. The third game, the past got brought up and calm but hostile comments were made by my mother to my father who tried his hardest to change or avoid the subject. By the last game, I could sense a fight was inevitable. My mother started saying fucked-up things like, "If I quit drinking, I have to leave your father." I kept begging her to shut up and to stop drinking, but she wouldn't. Yoda came over and moped for a good hour. We ended up talking and hanging out around the computer. We caught up. I told him about my solo adventures and he told me about his mistakes in re-befriending losers out of desperation. It was cool hanging out again. I made us pancakes. I thought I heard my parents beginning to argue in the kitchen, but then they were in their bedroom with the door closed. So I stopped worrying. I was up until 10 in the morning for some reason, mostly on Facebook, sending out friend requests and putting myself out there, practically begging the world to hang out with me. Did I say 'practically'? Because I meant to say 'literally'. I wound up sleeping until 7PM. When I woke up, my mother was drinking and pushing for an argument with my father. So I stood around and tried to stop it from escalating any further by trying to be the voice of reason to my mother. Nothing I said worked and it only got worse and louder. So I sat online and talked to people on AIM, since I had no way home and it was raining out. If my mother quit alcohol altogether, I'm pretty sure we'd all have a halfway-decent family in this house. But until then, we're always going to be broken, or at the least unable to be together for more than a few days at a time. It sucks. I stayed in and did a lot of nothing. I talked to Hannah on the phone for a bit and because she had no gas and we had no options to begin with, we never wound up hanging out. I downloaded porn and music and then called up Trevor around 11:30 to hang out. He picked me up and we went to Wal*Mart so I could buy cookies for dinner. I hadn't eaten and I needed instant gratification. Cookies are my fast food. We went back to his place and spent two hours at his poker table, while he taught me how to play Texas Hold 'Em. It's a pretty interesting game, so I'm gonna try to get good at it. Might as well stock up on as many things to do as possible, right? He took me home at 1:30 and I got back online when I got in. My parents were asleep, thankfully, so the arguing had subsided. The rest of the night was a lot of Facebook and a lot of AIM. I got a message from a Schenectady girl named Christine Forte saying, "Hey I don't know if you remember me but we met at big guys last year. I just want to say I love your journal! Its so real and I love how its filled with everything..from adventure to heartbreak and I just look forward to reading everyday! I just want to send some encouraging words and to let you know I know there people out there who read your journal like me and who are rooting for you to come out on top! I hope you never stop writing." It made me so happy. And then a few minutes later, I got an IM saying from some girl named Angelina from central Pennsylvania saying, "you dont know me,but i read through like,your whole blog yesterday,and you amaze me. not to sound ceeperish. youre living my dream." It was pretty cool. I got a friend request from a Rotterdam girl named Leighann who said she'd, "heard a lot about me, some good and some bad," and wanted to get to know me for herself. Another girl added me on Facebook because she reads my journal. Totally weird how many people read this thing. I also got a Truth Box comment that said, "So, I know you don't believe in astrology (neither do I, to be honest) but you seem like the epitome of Aquarius. It's a neat coincidence, I think. :)" Astrology is fucking stupid, but let's see what Astrology.com says... Aquarius is the eleventh Sign of the Zodiac, and Aquarians are the perfect representatives for the Age of Aquarius. Those born under this Sign have the social conscience needed to carry us into the new millennium. These folks are humanitarian, philanthropic and keenly interested in making the world a better place. Along those lines, they'd like to make the world work better, which is why they focus much of their energy on our social institutions and how they work (or don't work). Aquarians are visionaries, progressive souls who love to spend time thinking about how things can be better. They are also quick to engage others in this process, which is why they have so many friends and acquaintances. Making the world a better place is a collaborative effort for Aquarians. The Sign of Aquarius is symbolized by the Water Bearer. In much the same way that the Water Bearer brings that precious liquid as a gift, Aquarians shower the world with their thoughts and new ideas. Luckily for Aquarians (and the rest of us), they are at a near-genius level, so their minds churn out some amazing things. Their thought process is also inventive and original. While Aquarians are happy to bestow these ideas as a gift with no strings attached, they are much happier when the rest of the world agrees with them. Naysayers will quickly find out that Aquarians can be impatient, even temperamental, with those who disagree. Yes, these folks can be quite fixed in their opinions, in keeping with the Fixed Quality assigned to this Sign. Even though Aquarians are happy to give, and they do, it's often on their terms and within their comfort level. Generally, that means ample space, since these folks are freedom-loving and individualistic and need to roam (and yes, they do enjoy travel). While Aquarians are generally sympathetic and compassionate, they like it when things go their own quirky way. Some might call their behavior eccentric (and they would be right), but when you consider that the Aquarian's heart is truly in the right place, a few oddities should be overlooked. In their own way, Aquarians treasure their many friends and acquaintances and want to give back as much as they can. Sounds about right. Right? 10 comments|post comment

"My suitcase is packed with all your heartbeats. So I walk to their sound and head towards the sun." [22 Oct 2009|03:50am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Dead Man's Bones - In the Room Where You Sleep | Powered by Last.fm ] Awwwww, Loren! The fact that I have a positive effect on someone's life at all, let alone someone over a hundred miles away from me, feels amazing. The night Tara hurt me for the last time, I felt so exhausted. My arms felt invisible, my head started burning up, and my chest felt like it was containing a heavy breeze. I slumped over on the couch with the laptop on my lap and just felt tired. Feeling so strongly about someone takes a lot out of you, especially when you've just spent over two months trying to prove it to them, all to no avail, and were dragged by a hook through the cheek like a fish caught in the river. I felt stupid for feeling, as usual. And I felt ashamed of myself for still not feeling bitter. I left another dent in someone's life and they left a shotgun blast through mine. I breathed exclusively in sighs for a little while and told Kara online that I needed to see her. I just needed her around, since she's the only person who cares about me and is the only person who calms me down. So she said she'd be over in a half hour. I got on my bike and rode it home as fast as I could, taking a different route I thought might be quicker, but was actually just more uphill and physically damaging. By the time I got home, I had beaten Kara to the finish line and was covered in sweat and gasping for air. I hate this season. I have to experience the perspiration of a ride in 90-degree weather and inhale cold chills of air that fuck with my asthma like a cloud of frozen cigarette smoke. When she showed up, about two minutes later, I just held her close and tried to compose myself. Within minutes, I felt better. It was like my heart had been beaten to such a bloody pulp that there just wasn't anything left to hurt. We talked in bed and then watched American Beauty, since Hannah and I hadn't finished it the night she came over and I was left wanting to see it again all the way through. It was just the movie I needed. Lester Burnam is a good rolemodel. Kara hadn't seen it before. The end almost made me cry, since I was already filled with held-back urges to cry. My eyes always feel like they've been holding their breath for months. She got picked up at 10 or something and her father was nice enough to drive me all the way back to my parents'. I just couldn't be alone in that haunted cave of an apartment. I was up all night, trying to use the Internet to distract myself on an extremely loose and unreliable connection. I have to go to one corner of the house for my laptop to pick up on it, then bring it to the living room couch, like I'm catching a butterfly in my hands and then holding onto it and bringing it somewhere else. Sometimes it stays around pretty strongly for a few hours. Other times, it goes away and I have to hold it in the air to get it back. And sometimes I can't use the Internet, but for some reason can still talk to people on AIM. It's pretty fucking annoying. But after over two weeks, I've concluded that my hijacked Internet connection back at home isn't coming back this time. Darn. In the morning, I went grocery shopping at Hannaford on Route 50 with my mother. I got $90 in food, since I had gone the entire month without shopping so far. She's been fun to hang out with, other than when she mentions something being my father's fault, which is every five minutes, and goes off on tangents about how difficult her life is because of him. And she makes comments like, "I know exactly where I can get cocaine and the good spots to sell it, too. I could be making good money." It makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Everything made me think of Tara, of course. We were right across the street from the Friendly's she now works at. The last time I saw her was spent in that exact Hannaford's parking lot. We passed by religion signs we had driven to together to knock down. I just swallowed all the hurt down. This entire city's a scrapbook of memories, mostly of things, times, and people I'll never have again. I just wish I could convince myself that she misses me, too. But she very obviously has gone about all of this pretty easily. My mother brought me and my groceries home and I put everything away. I fed the cats and then fell asleep. It was almost 9 in the morning. Kara was supposed to come over in the afternoon, so I figured sleeping there was the best option. I woke up to her knocking at the door around 3:30 or so. We spent until 9 together, laying in the dark, either watching Daria or listening to music. Regretfully, we ended up making out. I just needed to feel something else, I think. But this sort of stuff shouldn't be happening between Kara and I, since we're best friends. Some other weird stuff happened before she got picked up. I rode my bike back to my parents' house. I've been here all week, just because I can't be in that apartment alone. We watched Cloverfield together in the living room. A few days prior, Trevor had sent me a message on Facebook, saying, "Hey. Do you possibly want to hang out and maybe catch up sometime? I'm still not sure what happened to us." After a few exchanged messages where I stood my ground and he eventually admitted he was wrong for doing what he did, I added him and said I'd consider hanging out. So this night, I decided to call his cell number to see if it was still his number. He called back after I left a message and after talking for ten minutes ended up hanging out. He picked me up and we went to his new apartment, which is right across the street from the Schenectady Police Department. His place is really nice and he has two really cute cats. Even he has ingested alcohol, it turns out. Big Guys doesn't serve vegan pizza anymore. According to him, all the vegan customers they had stopped coming and calling (I can't help but feel I was partly responsible for that, haha). We got along like old times. Then, also like old times, got in his car and drove around on his, "drive around and talk/listen to music route," listening to the most recent Dream Theater album (which, by the way, is really fucking good). We mutually decided to put the past behind us and be friends again. I had to find out Brandon isn't fond of me anymore, though, and that sucks. He dropped me off back at my parents' and I made a sandwich for myself. I didn't fall asleep until 9 in the morning again. I spent all night typing up an entry about me and Tara and addicted to articles about animals on Cracked. I kept going to Facebook and adding people. I want so badly to be social and put myself in uncomfortable situations where I'm taken out of my element. I need to teach myself how to accept people, I know this. But I can't do that unless people are giving me the opportunity! I want to hang out with this girl Symphony really bad for some reason. And I wish I were Jacki Vassari's boyfriend still. I want to hang out with Gemma, but she lives in Schodack, which isn't very accessible for me, or vice versa. I want to hang out with Laura, the vegan girl from Albany. I want to hang out with Strid. There are a lot of people I know are interesting. And I need them in my life. But I feel like a moron whenever I put myself out there. And since so many people give me vague responses that only subtly express that they want nothing to do with me, it's hard to keep trying. It has yet to pay off. I'm starting to kinda sorta get more into Facebook, though, since it offers more opportunities to meet people and organize plans. Today, I somehow managed to sleep until almost 7PM. I woke up, decided to ride my bike to the library, saw not a single movie I wanted to take out, bought a two-liter of Pepsi, and rode back to my parents' place. I hung out in the living room with them and watched ghost-hunting shows. My mother made me chili from scratch and it was really good. I dominated an entire pot by 3AM. I stayed up with my father and we watched shows on History about Nazis and some interesting analysis on Bigfoot's potential as a real North-American ape. It's cool hanging out with him so much lately. I talked to a bunch of people on AIM at once tonight. It was the most IMed I've been in over a year, I think. I decided I'll be returning to SUNY Purchase sometime in November, after my trainhopping trip. I downloaded the debut album from Ryan Gosling's indie band, Dead Man's Bones. It's super good, filled with macabre lyrics, creepy synth, haunting Ryan Gosling vocals, and a children's choir! Awesome. I imagine I'll be up all night, watching Current or something. Here are my results for those Johari and Nohari thingies. Arena (known to self and others) complex, idealistic, independent, trustworthy Blind Spot (known only to others) accepting, bold, brave, caring, clever, dependable, dignified, friendly, helpful, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, logical, nervous, observant, organised, proud, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, spontaneous, tense, wise, witty Façade (known only to self) loving Unknown (known to nobody) able, adaptable, calm, cheerful, confident, energetic, extroverted, giving, happy, ingenious, introverted, mature, modest, patient, powerful, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, sentimental, shy, silly, sympathetic, warm All Percentages able (0%) accepting (12%) adaptable (0%) bold (25%) brave (12%) calm (0%) caring (25%) cheerful (0%) clever (12%) complex (25%) confident (0%) dependable (12%) dignified (12%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (12%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (12%) idealistic (12%) independent (12%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (25%) introverted (0%) kind (25%) knowledgeable (50%) logical (25%) loving (0%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (12%) observant (25%) organised (12%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (12%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (37%) self-assertive (12%) self-conscious (12%) sensible (12%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (12%) sympathetic (0%) tense (12%) trustworthy (25%) warm (0%) wise (12%) witty (37%) Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 22.10.2009, using data from 8 respondents. You can make your own Johari Window, or view mr. dave gunn's full data. Arena (known to self and others) insecure, cynical, irrational, impatient, overdramatic Blind Spot (known only to others) cowardly, glum, lethargic, hostile, selfish, unhappy, needy, ignorant, imperceptive, weak, loud, vacuous, self-satisfied, predictable, callous, humourless Façade (known only to self) inflexible Unknown (known to nobody) incompetent, intolerant, timid, violent, aloof, stupid, simple, irresponsible, vulgar, withdrawn, unhelpful, unimaginative, inane, brash, cruel, distant, childish, boastful, blasé, chaotic, embarrassed, panicky, unethical, insensitive, passive, smug, rash, dispassionate, dull, inattentive, unreliable, cold, foolish All Percentages incompetent (0%) intolerant (0%) inflexible (0%) timid (0%) cowardly (33%) violent (0%) aloof (0%) glum (16%) stupid (0%) simple (0%) insecure (33%) irresponsible (0%) vulgar (0%) lethargic (33%) withdrawn (0%) hostile (33%) selfish (16%) unhappy (16%) unhelpful (0%) cynical (33%) needy (33%) unimaginative (0%) inane (0%) brash (0%) cruel (0%) ignorant (16%) irrational (50%) distant (0%) childish (0%) boastful (0%) blasé (0%) imperceptive (16%) chaotic (0%) impatient (50%) weak (16%) embarrassed (0%) loud (16%) vacuous (16%) panicky (0%) unethical (0%) insensitive (0%) self-satisfied (16%) passive (0%) smug (0%) rash (0%) dispassionate (0%) overdramatic (33%) dull (0%) predictable (33%) callous (16%) inattentive (0%) unreliable (0%) cold (0%) foolish (0%) humourless (16%) Created by the Nohari Window on 22.10.2009, using data from 6 respondents. You can make your own Nohari Window, or view mrs. dave gunn's full data. Someone thought they were funny and made their name 'Everyone'. You wish, anonymous asshole. Tomorrow is New Found Glory with Kara! And then a sleepover with a her and her friend who looks like Amy Adams in Cobleskill. I'm going hiking with Hannah Yetwin on Friday, I think. Tonight, Steve IMed me and was all like, "Come back to Purchase." It made me blush. Actually, it didn't. I don't fucking blush. But it was pretty cool. And here is Mayor Hulett literally holding a balloon like a person... 14 comments|post comment

REALLY the end this time? [21 Oct 2009|05:56am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Dixie Chicks - Wide Open Spaces | Powered by Last.fm ] Last night, the story of Tara and I ended. Of course, just like with Burgundy, everything was my fault and as it turns out, Tara has been ruthlessly fucking with my head for the last two or three months. No surprise there. But I enjoyed having faith in someone. And now I can relish on another beautiful connection made with someone else that ended prematurely and left me feeling regretful, embarrassed, and pathetic. For my own closure and personal records, as well as for anyone who's been told something horrible about me by her in the last two months, let's trace Tara's back-and-forth mind-fucking, shall we? ( Timeline of Tara fucking with my head and me falling for it. Insight, advice, commentary, other perspectives, criticism... all welcomed. ) ichhassekotze: keep this shit out of your journal. ichhassekotze: seriously. xBigUglyLoserx: Why? xBigUglyLoserx: Because you care so bad that total strangers might see how you blatantly fucked with my head? ichhassekotze: because my friends dont want their conversations with you displayed on the internet ichhassekotze: dave, you know i didnt fuck with your head xBigUglyLoserx: YES, YOU DID. xBigUglyLoserx: AND YOU LOVED IT. ichhassekotze: if you fucking up and me getting mad about it is me fucking with your head, then i guess i fucked with your head. xBigUglyLoserx: No, because you did exactly what Burgundy did. You got sick of me and used stuff I did months before as your sudden excuse. ichhassekotze: Dave, it's done. xBigUglyLoserx: You said we were done, e-mailed and said you didn't want us to be. xBigUglyLoserx: Said you were in love with me. xBigUglyLoserx: Went away for a weekend and said you weren't in love with me anymore. ichhassekotze: If you write about me in your journal, contact me or my friends, I'm going to take legal action. xBigUglyLoserx: Fucked me, then never came back over. xBigUglyLoserx: That's pathetic that you care that much about what people think, Tara. You're so much better than this. xBigUglyLoserx: Like, I am a boy you said you loved no more than two weeks ago. xBigUglyLoserx: And now this? xBigUglyLoserx: Because I sent a message to someone you just met? xBigUglyLoserx: That's sad. ichhassekotze: Starting now, the above goes into affect. xBigUglyLoserx: The above? ichhassekotze: If you write about me in your journal, contact me or my friends, I'm going to take legal action. xBigUglyLoserx: I don't understand you. xBigUglyLoserx: Why are you over-exaggerating this? xBigUglyLoserx: Like, you're like a different person. xBigUglyLoserx: You care more about your reputation than you do your own feelings. That's, like, really sad. xBigUglyLoserx: It's also sad that you tried to make me feel guilty for posting personal stuff online while you run around and tell total strangers bullshit 'I'm a victim' stories. Like, telling Andrue you're afraid of me? That's insane, Tara. Why would you be afraid of me? xBigUglyLoserx: Why do you want everyone to feel sorry for you? xBigUglyLoserx: It's fucked up you sit online and tell me you still have feelings for me and then go to Mass and tell people you're afraid of me. xBigUglyLoserx: Say something for yourself. xBigUglyLoserx: I can't believe you're choosing to end it like this, Tara. Just because your friend slipped up and showed me you were fucking with my head. God, the Dixie Chicks' beautiful cover of "Landslide" makes me think about Tara and one of the last days we spent together. My response to Andrue telling me that Tara says she, "I love you," to me still because she is afraid of me was, "I cannot imagine a single reason why she would say, "I love you," or, "We should go to the movies together," or, "I miss you, too," out of fear. There is nothing scary about me. I am so confused and hurt that she demonizes me to people who don't even know me." Andrue responded, "I am sorry. I always give people a chance. But she told me to just not to get involved." I said back, "Well, thanks for letting me know more than I did. She's still fucking with my head, so you've saved me some time by letting me know that I am apparently scary and that she talks badly about me to people. Awesome." Because he is a douchebag, he responded, "Life sucks. Shit happens. Thats how it goes in the city of Champions." Legally, she can't do anything about me writing about her or publicizing our online conversations. I'm not posting them here to spite her, either. I originally wasn't going to. But this journal, as I've said a thousand times and as anyone who chooses to associate with me should know by now, is my life, in more ways than one. The goal of this journal is to write and express myself, while embracing reality in all its ugliness and beauty, not allowing my power as the author to censor things most people would be sugarcoating or holding back in secrecy altogether. I want to be known for my writing, and in some ways, I already am on a small scale. People from other countries read this thing. I've made people cry, I give some people something to look forward to, people who have long-since stopped talking to me still come to this thing. Anyone in the world can know me and the last seven years of my life by coming to this. It's a fascinating and alluring concept that I embrace fully. I am honestly confident that my dedication and emphasis on shameless, graphic detail and brutally honest self-awareness and consciousness will be what distinguishes me from other modern writers. And hopefully, one day, someone might even want to publish me. I know people have been following my relationship with Tara on this thing and to leave holes in the story would be unfair to the readers and a betrayal to my own morals as a writer and the conceptual rule of this blog. With that being said, I also want to make it VERY CLEAR that Tara is still one of the most fascinating, beautiful, wonderful people I have ever met in my entire life. I still am in love with her. She really did manipulate and hurt me and I know now that it was intentional. At least I had the courtesy of telling her, and others, at the beginnings, "I'm a mess right now. Please beware." I never intentionally hurt anyone or exploited their vulnerability. I've been waiting for this girl for over two months now, and for good reason. She's beautiful, inside and out, and one of the most interesting people I've ever met. She's intelligent, hilarious, creative, an artist, and has incredible taste in film and music (the closest to mine I've ever found). She's passionate and feels her emotions with every part of herself. She has baggage that compliments mine. Our conversations and sexual chemistry were like nothing I've ever had before, even with Burgundy. We apologized to each other when we were wrong and were 100% honest with each other, marking what I originally thought was the most mature relationship I'd ever been in. She's a strong, independent female that for six months served as a driving force and inspiration to me and my own endeavors and emotional evolution. She kept me in check and helped me overcome several personal obstacles, such as my anger issues and inability to objectively view my words and choices. I love(d) this girl. If I could, I'd still date her. I don't regret our six months together. I regret these last two and a half, obviously. But Tara will stand out in my memories forever. She really touched me in ways no one else has so far. She is not a bad person. To allow her shortcomings outweigh how great of a person she is, or to allow the bad points of our relationship stand out more than the good (the latter far outnumbering the former), would be to do what she is doing, and I honestly don't agree. And to think, I'm a cynic! She probably even still loves me. But she has shown me that she is capable of using someone, lying, being two-faced. I do believe she's sincerely confused, but I can't, however, forgive her for being so submissive to social pressure and not being able to stand up at the age of eighteen to her fascist, manipulative, totally insane mother. After our conversation on AIM, I blocked her in every medium I could. Not because I want her out of my life, but because I didn't want her coming back like she had so many other times and saying something that reinstates my previously false hopes. I hope we run into each other again, but I doubt we will. Fuck, I love this girl. But I have to be strong. So now marks a new chapter. I acknowledge and accept that life, on a social basis, consists of meeting people, caring about them, and then one member of the pair getting tired of the other or hurting them for no good reason, thus detaching them. The process repeats, over and over, and no one ever learns their lesson. So I guess I'll be lonely for a little while, do what I can with girls who willing to have something with me, and if I fall in love again, go about it the same way I did this time (except more honestly), and enjoy it until it inevitably ends on bad terms. Shitty deal, isn't it? But it's the only deal we have, and as my father has said repeatedly this week, "You have to laugh to keep from crying." So let's just laugh, I guess, right? It's still pretty fascinating to me, though, that someone can be in love with someone else and then, over night, not love them anymore. And not only that, they can even force themselves to hate the person they loved, for no reason. It's so weird. In a way, I feel like a ball and chain has finally been taken off my ankle. At least I finally know what's going on between me and the girl I love. A real update not about me and Tara will happen soon. Right now, I'm trying to be strong and not do anything stupid to myself. I'm trying to put myself out there. I want to live and meet people and try things and go places and get into uncomfortable situations and surprise myself. But it's coming along slowly, since I'm an alien in a dead city. At the beginning of November, I've decided, I'm going to hop a train and go wherever it takes me, as my next and final adventure before winter. 8 comments|post comment

"Petty moral infractions." [19 Oct 2009|06:58pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Ruiner: "Part Two" ] xBigUglyLoserx: The stuff I'm feeling right now is, like, overwhelming. xBigUglyLoserx: Like, I don't even know what to do, due to limited options. xBigUglyLoserx: It's like sitting still when you know you're on fire. xBigUglyLoserx: It's still somewhat exhausting. xBigUglyLoserx: But I can't remember the last time I wasn't being devoured by it. xBigUglyLoserx: So it's just normal. xBigUglyLoserx: Like wearing my own flesh. Two things I really want to learn for some reason: 1.) Sign language. 2.) Unicycling. If you can help me learn either of those, please let me know. The night I got back home, I passed out pretty quickly, after a long shower. I went to sleep to Daria, since she's the only girl for me (and, of course, is fake). Mayor Hulett cuddled with me really hard. He's the only person who ever really wants me around all the time. These cats make it no secret how much they miss me. I'm glad they don't get bitter. The entire kitchen and bathroom floor were covered in plastic bags from my closet. The cats probably loved digging through that finally. I slept for eighteen hours or something. Kara showed up at my door around 5:30 on Friday. She looked awfully cute, as usual, and came with cookies that she claimed were screwed up, but were actually delicious. She's fucking stupid when it comes to criticizing anything about herself. I needed food, drink, and cash, so I decided that we should walk to my grandmother's and ask for a ride to Price Chopper. On the way there, Kara stole a purple balloon attached to some promotional sign for a new window-tinting business that's opening around the corner from me. When we got there, my grandmother was sick with the flu. While I was gone, her 14-year-old maltese named Baby, a dog I grew up with and loved, finally passed away. Apparently, he just laid down and went to sleep for good. I'm glad he died peacefully and in a good environment. It was creepy, though, knowing she had put his body in the backyard freezer, to sit until she can afford his cremation. I called my mother and asked for a ride and she hesitantly said she'd eventually pick me up after she was finished running some errands. So Kara and I sat there for an hour, doing nothing. I was pretty miserable. I was already consumed by Tara once again, the heartbreak feeling as fresh a wound as it did before I left. My mother eventually picked us up. I got some Boca burgers and made $7 from the change I returned. I tried to rent a movie from the Red Box thing, but the movie I wanted wasn't in the system, even though its picture and the release date, September 29th, was plastered on the rows of film titles next to the machine. Figures. We got dropped back off at my place and I began having a panic attack due to being back home in a city I hate far away from the only person to make me feel something extreme in a year. I felt like I needed to be doing something. But I couldn't clear my mind enough to concoct any trivial chores to start. I made my cheeseburgers and Kara ate cream of broccoli soup or something. I put in Murder By Numbers and laid in bed with Kara. I'm always nervous she's going to think something I put in, put on, say, or do is totally stupid. I feel nervous around her the way everyone I talk to probably feels around me; always on edge, waiting for me to brutally and negatively criticize something they do or say or mention. She got picked up at 11 and it really sucked. I didn't think I'd make it through the night all by myself. So I had her parents drop me off at my grandmother's, picked up my bike from her backyard, and rode it to my parents' house. On the way, I stopped by my brother's and picked up Zombies Ate My Neighbors. My brother wasn't there, so Sam got it for me, and I returned Bozo Texino. It was a Friday night and even my brother who hates everyone and everything was out somewhere. When I walked into my parents' house, my father almost punched me in the face. He was at the fridge and thought I was someone just walking in. I was faced with his cocked-back arm and fist. It was pretty funny. I threw my shit down and talked to my mother for a bit, then got online and talked to Tara on AIM. It was pretty depressing. She refuses to tell me if she's done anything physical with another guy. She claims to still have feelings for me. And when I said I love you, she said she loved me, too. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And I wish I didn't even care. I wish I could rewind to when I was working at Big Guys and spending every day with Tara, and just do everything differently. Not criticize Trevor so harshly, even if he deserved it, and ask Tara out instead of convincing her I wasn't ever going to date her. I took a sharply ridged steak knife and grind away against my skin where Tara left five fingernail scars in my left arm. I don't want them there forever. Every time I see them, I see that night. Saturday, I slept late into the afternoon on my parents' couch. I just didn't want to be alone, so even being in a household with people in it that I don't really relate to would do. My father and I hang out sometimes and exchange laughs over the people we hate and the lives we don't want to be living anymore. Our pathetic lives shouldn't parallel each other's so well, but they sadly do. My mother made dinner and stuffed me full with tomato soup and saltines. It was weird having someone cook for me. They were sober even though it was a weekend, so hanging out with them was actually enough to calm me down. I downloaded porn and music on my little brother's laptop and put it on my flash drive. I talked my father into going to Rotterdam Square with me to try and sell DVDs to FYE. I had a giant bag of them and he had a small stack. He made $18 and I made $21. I had a bunch that wouldn't take, so I gave three away to the man behind me in line and then put the rest out in the food court with a sign that said, "FREE DVDs! From Dave!" We picked Amber up from Rollerama at 10. I'm glad she's social and doing things on the weekend. I felt so depressed thinking about how I was 21 and doing nothing on a Saturday. I felt like my life was over, socially. Sometimes, it feels like I've detached myself from society and burned so many bridges in my day, that returning to the real world of human contact is impossible. Tara said we might hang out after she got out of work. Of course, we didn't. I'm pretty sure we'll never hang out again, so I didn't really get my hopes up enough for them to get crushed. She works at Friendly's with that whore Heather now. It's really aggravating that she speaks to her after she had some influence on the destruction of our relationship through being a liar with no shame or respect for the people who care about her. It was midnight or so when Hanna Yetwin IMed me and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I had just left her a Facebook comment about hanging out. She said, "Like, right now." I jumped to the occasion and said yes. We were really good friends in high school, until she lied to me about smoking pot. I hadn't heard from her since. I was a bit nervous. She came and picked me up and we parked somewhere in the Stockade by the water, sat in the car, and just caught up. She was pretty impressive. Still the same awkward Hannah I remember from when I was in 12th grade, but more extroverted and talkative. I enjoyed hearing about her misanthropy and bewilderment at the human condition. She was really honest, with me and with herself, and it was extremely refreshing to be around. I was still kinda miserable and couldn't stop thinking about Tara, so the subject of how shitty I am was verbally brought up repeatedly by me. Everything just reminded me of her or my own shortcomings. Luckily, I didn't annoy her to the point of running away. She said a lot of funny things and talking to her was awesome. After an hour or so, we decided to move somewhere. I refused to go to her house because her parents were both my teacher at one point and that would be scary. We went to my house, but I forgot my keys. So we got them and came back. I put in American Beauty and we both kinda chuckled at how strange life is, the way we went at least three or four years without talking and now were hanging out in my bed. She couldn't stand how disgusting my apartment was, so we eventually left and she brought me back to my parents' place. I liked hanging out with her. She claims we're going to roadtrip to Florida for December, but I'm not going to get excited about that until it's actually happening. Yesterday, I slept even later than I did the day before and only woke up because my mother had made dinner. This time she had gotten me some vegan burgers and vegetarian baked beans. I ate more than I had in weeks. I sat around and was on the verge of tremors over how bored and uncomfortably still I was. I had a half-ass conversation with Tara online. She has pictures online of her holding 40s and partying with people, since that stuff is cool again now that she doesn't talk to me. Sometimes, I feel really strong, like her being gone for good is an easily clearable obstacle. And then other times, I feel like I need to see her or I might disintegrate. She acted insulted that I was insisting she had done stuff with another boy, but still wouldn't confirm or deny that she did. I'm pretty sure she has. With this Andrue kid in Massachusetts. He looks a little like me, except a lot cooler. On a Thursday, she was in love with me. She spent a weekend with him, the third time in the span of two months, and came back no longer in love with me. I can only assume. I don't want to think so low of her, but part of me suspects she won't tell me because she likes having some pathetic boy obsessing over her the way that I am. Everyone likes that, right? Hannah called me at 11:30 and said she was on her way to pick me up. She got me and we went over to her place, since her parents were asleep. I'm terrified of people's parents, other than Kara's. I'm just always the one without parents in just about any group of friends, so it's strange to encounter and answer questions from others' parents. We hung out until 3:30 in the morning in her room, just talking and stuff. I went through four sketchbooks of her artwork and was pretty impressed. She has this awesomely weird style that could easily be used as the CD artwork for half the bands I listen to. She watched me look at her art while sporadically changing the music on her laptop. After, we laid around in the dark, listening to J Dilla and talking some more. We eventually turned her laptop on and watched an episode of Intervention on Hulu. Hannah's really interesting. I think we're going to start hanging out a lot like we used to. That'd be pretty cool. Last night, I messaged this Andrue kid from Massachusetts and asked him if anything sexual or romantic was happening between him and Tara. This is what he said back: David, I hate to break all of this to you, but Tara and her family are quite disapproving of you. I know how it is to watch someone you love disappear from your life, but I can assure you that its happening for a good reason. Tara's mom won't even let Tara talk to you because she says you are bad for her. Tara has told me about you and from what I can gather, she doesn't hold you very highly in your life. I am sorry that you have to hear it from me, but I was thinking about it, and Tara couldnt/wouldnt really let you know herself. Tara and I are very good friends, but we are not dating. I am sorry that you still have feeling for her, but ever since I met Tara, she has told me how horrible your relationship deteriorated. In any case, I hope you move on past this, because if you don't, it will only hurt you. Good luck. As usual, everyone only hears how horrible I am, and every single great thing I did, every beautiful moment we shared together as two people in love, will be forgotten. I replied, "Do you have any insight into why she says she still loves me, but tells people like you that she hates me?" He replied, "It's because she is afraid of you." What the fuck? I am so confused and hurt and betrayed and I want to hate her so much, but I just can't because my stupid fucking brain can only focus on everything amazing about her and the things she did for me when we were together. Why can't I be like her and act like the few bad things she did/does are what matters the most? Why am I so easily disposed of? How do people fall in love with me and then hate the fact that they've fallen in love with me? Can't I be forgiven just this once? Everyone gets forgiven. Everyone fucking hurts everyone and gets away with it. Except for me. Here are two memes I combined into one that I found through Kara.<3 Let's say you lost 100 pounds? Girls would maybe like me! Ideally, I'd like to lose thirty pounds. When's the last time you cried? Two weeks ago, at the end of Dancer In the Dark. I don't usually cry during movies, but I had already been crying over Tara, so the waterworks were already vulnerable. Do you think age matters in relationships? Relationships shouldn't even exist until you're, like, fourteen. After seventeen, I don't think age is relevant unless you're a pervert dating someone specifically because of their age. What time did you wake up this morning? I don't wake up in the morning, I go to sleep in the morning. And today, I woke up at 5:30 in the afternoon. Last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Parents' living room couch. Do you write on your hands? Nope. I almost always have scrap paper. What did you last eat? Boca burgers and vegetarian fried beans. If someone hates you, it's probably because... I hate them. What was your best garage sale find? I don't buy things, even from garage sales. When was the last time you got a nose bleed? I have never had a nose bleed. What was the last sporting event you attended? I hate sports. I think I went to a baseball game ten or more years ago. Is cheerleading a sport? Sure? Do you have a Facebook account? Yes. Add me? What brand of bottled water do you prefer? Poland Spring FTW! What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? I have never consumed alcohol before and never fucking will. What toppings do you like on your pizza? Vegan cheese, faux meatball, crushed red pepper, and garlic. I want pizza so fucking bad now that I've answered this question. :( What do you order at McDonald's? Ordering from McDonald's ain't vegan. When did you last work out at a gym? A year ago, at least. How old is the mattress on your bed? Probably older than me. Do you have any picture frames without a picture in them? No. What department store do you shop in the most? I don't shop. Which family member's birthday is coming up next? Amber's!<3 Do you have any friends or family members that are pregnant? Thankfully, no. I hope the Gunn lineage dies out after us. Do you have any friends or family members that are engaged? I have some engaged acquaintances, but no engaged family or friends. Are you your mom's favorite child? I am not my mom's child. Which relative do you live closest to? My gramma. Which city and state does the farthest relative live? Last I knew, I have a buncha relatives on my mother's side down in Virginia. Name something you have bought or sold on Ebay? I have sold several articles of Mindless Self Indulgence merchandise on eBay. I sold my autographed copy of "Tight" to get my apartment. It sucked. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? I don't keep magazines. When did you last see your parents? All day today and tonight. Ever play the game Apples to Apples? No, but some college kids were playing it at SUNY Purchase and seemed to be having a fucking blast. So maybe I should? What did you last take a picture of with your camera? The cemetery I was sleeping in down in South Philadelphia. Who are the last four females you talked to? Hannah, Tara, Kara, Amber. Who sits behind you in math? xMATH-FREEx. When will your next kiss be? I don't want to kiss anyone unless it's Tara. So I really have no idea right now. Do you hate when people put "I love you" on their profiles? I don't believe anyone means it. Are you in a relationship right now? No. Just hopelessly devoted to a girl who doesn't want me anymore. :/ If someone liked you what would be the best way to let you know? Any way that isn't anonymous. Would you care if you saw the person you like kissing someone else? I would definitely cry and possibly throw up and maybe beat the living shit out of whoever they were kissing. Would you rather be called hot, cute, or beautiful? I am none of those things. Being called either would make me feel uncomfortable. Did you wake up before 8am this morning? I don't do that. Do you wear eyeliner? I am not mallgoth and I hate AFI. What's something that's bothering you? I want to be with Tara so bad, that it hurts. And it's been over two months since I have been and I still feel is just as fresh as when she first told me she wasn't going to date me If I could just have her, my life would be perfect and I could finally breathe normally again. Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn't want to date? This girl Kelly asked me out one time, but I didn't want to date her (I just wanted to have a lot of sex with her). Did you ever get caught passing notes? I never passed notes. Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you? I don't smile in pictures. What was the last song you listened to? "Shapeshift" by HORSE the band. Do you miss anyone right now? I miss Tara so much right now that I am perspiring and feeling sick. When was the last time you smiled? Tonight, with Hannah. She says ridiculous and funny things. How late did you stay up last night and why? 5 or 6AM, because I slept the day away and spent the night hanging out with someone for a change. Is the person you have feelings for at least a bit cute? I honestly believe that Tara may be one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen in my life. And I'm not just saying that. She's incredible looking. Are you close to your father? We hang out and get along sometimes, bonding over misanthropy, boredom, and suicide. What do you wish about at 11:11? I don't wish. Wishes don't come true. Are you emotionally strong? Not at all. But I'm apparently skilled at swallowing everything down and continuing to live. What was the last thing you drank? Coca-Cola. Ew. Do you think two people can last forever? Yes. But they won't. Do you smoke weed everyday? Never have, never will. Could you go a month without cursing? Probably not. Are you a patient person? Not at all. Think a lot before you fall asleep? Way too much. Usually for at least an hour before I successfully fall asleep from how exhaustingly sad and worried I am. When was the last time you got a hair cut? Tara cut my hair really nice forever ago. Is your room clean? My room forever looks like I'm moving out. Do you have any tattoos? I cannot afford tattoos. If you were born the opposite sex what would your name be? Considering my parents were lame enough to name me after my father, Dave, they probably would have named me after my mother, Paula. If you could switch names with a friend who would it be? Kara! Are there any mispronunciations?ons/misspellings that people do with your name constantly? Nope. Everyone says my first and last name together as one name, though. Would you drop your last name if you became famous? My name would probably be a huge part of why I am famous. Do you speak another language? I like just speaking English, thanks. If you want to hang out, please let me know. I want to be out and about and meeting new people as much as possible. I promise I'm not as scary as my journal or general attitude lets on. Invite me to your party, your college, your life. Seriously. 16 comments|post comment

I need to post these lyrics to these two songs. They're too perfect. [17 Oct 2009|04:03am] [ mood | confused ] "Things I Don't Do", by Paul Baribeau Don't expect you'll still be my best friend I don't expect we'll talk much after this Don't get the feeling this is not the end Doesn't mean I can't dream, dream, dream About you with your blue winter coat on Dream About you with snowflakes in your hair Dream About you kissing me Christmas cookie kisses Don't expect to get over you easy Don't expect the world to come to an end Don't believe you can't go on without me It doesn't mean I can't dream, dream, dream About coming home to you late at night Dream About you asleep with the TV on Dream About you kissing me warm, sleepy kisses Don't expect it could have gone any better Don't believe it could have got any worse I don't believe we're gonna get back together Doesn't mean I can't dream, dream, dream About you putting your shoes on by the front door Dream About you grabbing your keys off the table Dream About you kissing me goodbye Bye bye bye, goodbye "The Pool", by A Wilhelm Scream The room's new carpet and the walls' apartment hue Add to the visitor feeling I'm used to The morning window's freezing from outside It wakes me up Wasting air to the falling light Angel, you picked me up, but the devil wants me, too I never gave a fuck, so why the fuck should you? I awoke in a fog with an ache, at a loss You were faking through relationships to rot This is not my home anymore All my accomplishments are joined with asterisks *So in a few years, they're meaningless Darling, I can't erase it, but could you forget my lies? We were the slut and the self-made mess Please know I tried Smile, smile Smile for all I can't smile Anymore I skip rocks to mock the clashing tide It's encroaching on our side The wave parade is drowning me out, too It breaks me up Wish I could have done more to you They used your body up, leaving your guts dry But you never gave a fuck, so why the fuck should I? Now the face escapes me, but the shame's forever When I get the nerve to test the death for life renewal You'll find me lying at the bottom of the pool And when I'm face down in that water Don't pick me up 'Cause I'll be face down in that water next to you Don't pick me up It will be better underwater Don't pick me up I'm already getting what Christopher McCandless called, "itchy feet." I need to leave. I've only been home for about twenty-four hours and the feeling is that of my heart being twisted and wrung out like a wet washcloth. I cannot relate to this area or to this life. What I want out of this whole thing is imaginary and non-existent. The fact that it does not exist does not deter me from desiring it. I don't like weather of any kind. I don't like days, weeks, months, years, times of day, night, morning, afternoon, or season. The girl I want is gone forever and nothing will replace the last fight I had in me. I have no more strength. I don't want to live and I don't want to die. I don't want to keep running and I don't want to live in one place. I want a city that is not out there and friends who do not exist. I want out of people what is not possible. I want out of myself what is not accomplishable. I am about to go and scrape away at my skin until the scars your nails left in my left arm are erased. I cannot stand seeing a part of us on my flesh forever. ichhassekotze (4:04:02 AM): goodnight, i love you too ????????????????????????????????????? 6 comments|post comment

First and second and last day in Philadelphia. [17 Oct 2009|02:21am] [ mood | melancholy ] Sigh. My last day in Philadelphia. This trip has been amazing. Even through the lonely parts, the severe headaches, and cold nights, I am so glad I decided to do this. I feel lighter and as if by running 300 miles away from home, I have successfully evaded the things that were hurting me there. Hopefully, I don't return to a haunted house. I'm back in Cafe Grindstone, hands down the coolest coffeeshop in Philly. They let you hang out here. There's couches and art everywhere, and a record player with stacks of old vinyl that you can use yourself. I've had the opportunity to choose the morning's soundtrack since I showed up at 8:30! The Roots, and then Gym Class Heroes' "The Quilt". They have non-vegan stuff on the menu, but everything that matters is vegan, organic, and fair trade. They have the best chocolate shakes. Free Wi-Fi and the comfort of never being told to leave long after you've finished your purchase. And another I noticed, the people who come here are always more than happy to add relevant input to your conversation. People here aren't afraid to talk to people! It's awesome. I don't have to start my trek in the rain to the Chinatown Bus station until 2, so I figure I'll type up my last entry here while my new friend Erin sits across from me and reads me excerpts from the book of anarchist essays she found on the Grindstone bookshelf. I gave her my copy of Evasion to read on her upcoming travels. So, Tuesday, after updating from here, I walked around the corner to check out the AIDS Thrift store, which is a two-floor thrift store run by volunteers and donates all its proceeds to AIDS research. I just wanted a wintercap and maybe a fanny pack. But nothing was there. So I returned to South St., since that's the 'happening' part of South Philly and all. I walked up it, then down it, then up it again, then down it again. I found an awesome anarchist bookstore called The Wooden Shoe and browsed their incredible selection. While I was in there, a woman walked in with her little girl and the little girl was the cutest thing. I didn't buy anything and was curious, but didn't ask, what their policy, as anarchists, on shoplifters was. Having no money and being straightedge, there wasn't many options for me on South St., so I decided to go to the first park I saw, Seger Park, and laid on a bench to read while little kids played on the playground. It was starting to get really chilly, despite how nice the day had been. I got up and went to the small establishment where the park keeper sits and waltzed in slowly. A man saw me and angrily said, "The mens room is that way!" I didn't need to go to the bathroom until he said that. I just wanted to read in some warmth. When I got out, I think he realized I was a dirty kid carrying a backpack and sleeping bag. He told me I could sit in there and get out of the cold, so I sat at a table and read for a half hour. He left for a bit and locked me inside. He was really nice. Later, before I got going, I asked him how the local police were in reaction to homeless people sleeping on streets and he said they usually didn't bother them. He then told me what hours he works there and gave me permission to sleep in the park. It was really nice of him. Back to wandering South St., figuring if I kept walking my bare legs would warm up a little. Nearing the corner, I look down and see an Insane Clown Posse CD sampler, boasting, "The world's most hated band!" 'Band'? Are you kidding me? It was so annoying. Juggalos are fucking everywhere I go! I noticed a shitload of bottles and cans in someone's garbage and started filling a bag. I went to the nearest grocery store and asked where the bottle return machines were and had my heart broken when she told me the state of Pennsylvania doesn't charge deposit on bottles and cans and therefore doesn't let you return them. I was running out of ideas. So I decided to go all the way to the end of South St. where the 'Stroll' statues stood tall. I wanted to get lost in the view of the highway traffic. When I got there, I started feeling really lonely. Tara and I took a picture together there and I started thinking about her a lot. Like a pathetic loser, I texted her and told her I was there and missed her a lot. Of course, she never said anything back, because I do not matter. I walked the opposite direction after seeing an Insane Clown Posse van straight from Michigan until I got to Broad St., where all the giant yuppie art and music buildings stand, lit-up and proud. I walked a few blocks and then sat down on the sidewalk against the wall of a building I didn't even bother looking at. Everything was big and hard, like phallic constructions of an architect, or a country, trying to over-compensate. I started drawing up a sign that said, "POOR, UGLY, LONELY, and BORED! ANYTHING HELPS!" I only got to fly it, while reading, for about ten minutes before Berlin called me and said to come back over. She was an hour late getting a hold of me, but I was happy that I heard from her at all. I walked back over to her place and she had made me vegan apple pie. I scarfed some of that down while talking to her little brother about oldschool horror films. I videotaped him doing his own choreography to Alice Cooper's "Man Behind the Mask", the theme song to one of the Friday the 13th sequels. He's such a cute little punk kid. I sat and talked to Berlin at the kitchen table and laid on her bed for five minutes before I was told I had to leave. It was 11 and I was okay with it. I had, "Be homeless in Pennsylvania" on my list of 1000 things in 100 days to cross off anyway. I walked up Washington, using a map drawn up by Berlin for me to get me to West Philly, taking Chris from Rochester's advice. I got a Pepsi at a 7-11 and tried calling Kara. I wasted a buncha minutes on her; her phone kept cutting out and shit. I got back onto Broad and took a left, like Berlin told me. I walked three miles until things started getting less appealing. I always do that to myself: start walking, then refuse to stop even though I'm tired. I have this urge to keep going until I find somewhere interesting. I got on a bus just because it showed up at a stop at the same time I was passing it and was going in the opposite direction of me. I knew I had been given wrong directions or something. The guy told me I was going north, not west, and gave me a transfer to the G bus, which he said would take me to the heart of West Philly. I got on and took it to its last stop. My head started pounding and I felt like I was going to puke and cry because of it. The Sudafed wasn't working anymore. So I hit myself in the forehead a little and clenched my eyes shut. When I got off the bus, I had no idea where I was, but only saw a college. I asked some guy at the nearby stop where I was and how to get to West Philly. He helped me out and I got on another bus, got another transfer, and rode it until its last stop. Got on another bus after that and rode it to 40th & Market St., since the toothless man with a cane I asked for help told me to. It was a university part of town, near the University of Philadelphia. There were bike cops stationed at every corner and rich people strutting around, while nervous looking Chinese college students rushed in and out of the grocery store. I went in right away and bought a bottle of Advil, took 1,500mg, and hopes for the best. It was so cold out, but I still needed to find somewhere to sleep. So I started walking until I got to where the trolly picked people up. I found an area of trees and bushes on the side of the station's wall next to a main road, scanned the area, and decided to roll out my sleeping bag right there. I disturbed some sleeping birds in the bushes. I felt safe knowing they were there. From 3-6:30, I slept there undetected, and only woke up because it was so fucking cold on my legs that I was shivering. I woke up and knew I absolutely needed to seek refuge somewhere heated or I was going to die. I was shivering uncontrollably and my legs were ice cold. I walked back to where all the shops were and decided to go into the 24-hour grocery store. I bought some gingersnap cookies and went to the upstairs part of the inside cafe. I sat and tried to get an Internet connection, but to no avail. It was warm, though, so I sat around for a good forty minutes. I left and started walking east. It was really cold, but whatever. There wasn't much around. College apartments, gas stations, yuppie bars. I was slightly confused was West Philly was suggested to me. I turned up a street and was suddenly in an area economically opposite to the area right around the corner. I saw an opening to a condemned, totally destroyed building that used to be two different shops. I walked in and the floors were completely gone to both shops. The floors were covered in decaying wood, an old radiator, and doors torn off the hinges. One room was empty with the exception of a trash can and a little girl's shoe. The other was a mess of filing cabinets gutted of their paper contents. The space where a floor still was in tact was underneath me. Next to a dresser was a rusty broom of some sort, so I used it to sweep the door lying across the floor, getting some of the dirty and rat feces off of it. I unrolled my sleeping bag and decided to get some more sleep before a day of walking. It was slightly warmer, even though the roof was almost completely caved in. I woke up due to shivering again around noon. Three more hours of sleep was nice, though. I exited and started walking some more, through an area where I was the only white person. I finally found a plain black winter cap and bought it from a sidewalk stand for only $3. And then I found myself outside of the local Free Library. I walked in and asked a librarian inside if there was free wireless. She said there was, but said I needed a library card. I told her I was traveling through and she was nice enough to reserve me computer access for 2:15, giving me a code to enter so I could get on for an hour. I sat at a table and read, before dozing off while sitting up. She noticed the book I was reading, Into the Wild, and asked me, "You're not going to Alaska, are you?!" She was sincerely concerned, too. I got on and bullshitted for a little while, then wrote down directions back to South St., since West Philly was full of nothing. A woman, with a baby, wound up getting kicked out by security because she wouldn't stop yelling. And, surprisingly, had the nerve to ask to speak to the supervisor, all outraged. I hate people. The walk back to South St. was over five miles, but I was ready for it. The journey there was boring, though. I passed through every shifting cultural change imaginable, going from the ghetto full of wall murals about love and easily accessible abandoned apartment complexes, that could easily be refurbished and rented out to the growing homeless population; to the community surrounding Drexel University filled with people smart enough to change the world but too bored and apathetic to do anything but get a job in a cubicle; to the dirty concrete mess of carpet stores, porno shops, and miscellaneous towers and skyscrapers of corporate greed, too ugly to even want to look at; to the strip of restaurants separated by extended alleyways aligned with green dumpsters covered completely in graffiti. The bad odors changed from block to block, sometimes smelling like raw sewage, sometimes like one big Cuban cigar, sometimes like a firecracker just went off. I wasn't amused. I got to Broad St. and Bainbridge and thought I knew where I was, but after several direction changes, I actually had everything backwards. So I stood at a corner, confused, and then looked over at a girl walking in patched-up, dirty clothes, scuffed boots, a homemade skirt of pockets, a giant backpack with an attached sleeping bag, and a hood covering a forest of thick, blonde-brownish dreads. I gave her a courtesy nod, like all dirty traveling kids do, and then I noticed she was speaking to me. I took my headphones off and heard her sak, "Are you from around here?" I told her no. We started talking about traveling. Her name was Erin. She was twenty-three. She had been traveling the whole country, had attended community college in Ithaca and was planning on getting back there to hang out for a while, and was originally from Maryland or somewhere. She was filthy and smelled like the type of person I wanted to know. A lifelong vegetarian, eloquent, detached from labels, and for some reason had perfect teeth and blue eyes. We started walking together after I offered her Internet access if she joined me at Cafe Grindstone. But I had no idea which direction I was going and wound up at the opposite end of South St., where things are uninhabited and train tracks criss-cross. Talking to her was a breath of fresh air. Out of all the traveling kids I've met, aside from Chris, she was one of the most intelligent and interesting. We agreed on the current state of crust and bashed the fashion elitism that is taking over. Her second day in Philly, she was approached by a news reporter and interviewed for the local free publication The Metro about Philly's homeless epidemic. Even though she was admittedly a traveler and not from Philly, the sleezy reporter used her as a representative of a problem he didn't actually wind up addressing, and she was published on the front page! So every couple of minutes, someone would pass by on their bike and exclaim, "Hey! You're on the cover of The Metro!" It was pretty funny. We talked forever and were really getting along right away. I was glad to have run into her. Berlin was supposed to call me at noon, but never did. We ended up finding Cafe Grindstone and crashing there. She got coffee and I got a chocolate shake. We sat online and talked some more. We decided we'd spend the rest of the night together. We had the same general ideas on just about everything, from religion to relationships to travel life and freedom. We left the cafe around 9 and headed to South St. so she could play her tiny children's guitar she scored for $4 somewhere and hopefully make some money. We found a little nook outside of a closed art shop and set up shop, with a cardboard sign, her picture in the paper proudly presented, and her guitar. It took forever for her to tune, due to a warped board and fucked-up frets, but she managed. Her songs are really good and her voice was actually really pretty. Very Ani DiFranco. She also played an awesome version of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt". In three hours, we made $36 and met several interesting people. Some kids took a picture with us for $1. Some yuppie bitch said, "That's lovely," but apparently didn't find it lovely enough to donate to. A group of nice kids came over and within minutes were handing out MySpace URLs and punk house advice. An authentic Mexican man named O. Z. came over and tuned her guitar up, then shredded something fiercely Mexican on it like Esteban. In two hours, she had made $13. In three, she made $36. One person even gave her a $20 bill! She had made more than a cart-pusher at Wal*Mart does. So we started getting ready to go find something to eat. She was wrapping her guitar up in a found hoodie and some sheets and some dumb bitch asked, "IS THAT A BABY?!" As if a baby is shaped, in any way, like a guitar. Walking up the street, several bros yelled at Erin, "That's the girl in the paper! She's sick at guitar, dude!" Gianna's was closed. Johnny Rocket's closed, an hour early, for some reason. We opened every pizza box we saw in the garbage, but slowly realized that people in Philly finish their pizzas. I actually made note of it outloud and suddenly a guy stopped in his tracks, yelled, "Dammit!" and then said to us, "Okay, guys. Two blocks up, I forgot five slices of pizza. I'm not going back for them. So go get 'em!" We went and, in a shameless display of half-ass veganism, tore the cheese off and had three slices of pizza for dinner. It was the most I'd eaten in two days. After that, we were ready to sleep. We walked around the corner, trying to figure something out, and just after I said, "I've never slept in a cemetery before, but I'm sure I will eventually," we decided to hop a brick wall into an enclosed Episcopalian cemetery and church to sleep behind two little trees. It was perfect. We laid out our sleeping bags next to each other's and attempted to sleep. Around midnight, it started raining a little. So I got my tarp out and put over the both of us. Luckily, the rain never progressed into anything too serious. I woke up to being cold and people walking their dogs at 8AM, with dog shit and a snail in my face. I got my shit together without waking Erin and creepily peered over the wall at the moms walking their kids to school. We got up and walked to Cafe Grindstone where we got coffee and a chocolate shake and I sat while eating gingersnaps and sitting online, warming up and figuring out my schedule for buses home. I'm glad I met Erin. She's fucking awesome. While talking about our hatred of Juggalos, a guy sitting at the public computer chimed in with shared hatred and we ended up talking. Coincidentally, his last name was Rule; Gary Rule. He ended up hanging out with us a little bit. He had the deep voice of a movie narrator. He was pretty cool, though. He was just about to go explore an abandoned building as soon as his friend showed up. He invited Erin and not me. He also told her she could sleep over at his apartment for the night. I was happy for her, but worried about creepy guys being too friendly. Oh, well. Around 2, I got going, gave Erin a hug after she gave me her number, and started walking in the rain to Gianna's so I could enjoy vegan pizza for dinner before I got going. I sat and ate them in under eight minutes, then walked to Berlin's to get my bag of clothes. At 2:30, I was going to the Chinatown Bus station, with plastic bags for socks. I got there right on time, soaking wet. I slept the entire way, only waking up twice when he slammed on the brakes and honked his horn after almost running into a truck trying to cut us off without use of a blinker. I got off the bus and started walking quickly to the next Chinatown Bus station. It was so cold, I felt like I couldn't move any further. But I had to. And when I got there, my 5:30 bus had already left. She told me where another one was that had a 6:00 bus. I had twenty minutes to get there. I got the F train to W 34th St. and made it there two minutes late. But the bus was still there! I got lucky. And I slept the entire way to Albany. As soon as I got off, I caught the 55. When I got on, I was welcomed back into the 518 with a drunk (or crazy) man screaming, "I hate these people! I hate these people! I hate these people!" A white woman told him to be quiet and he started saying something incoherent about, "fucking white people!" Another guy yelled at him, "Yo! You're fuckin' up my high!" He wound up thrown off the bus. Later, a man in a wheelchair got on the bus and stunk it up with a gagging odor that I almost threw up because of. After he got off, the bus driver sprayed Febreze everywhere. It was unbelievable. When I got inside my stupid apartment, I had to clean up plastic bags that were torn out of my closet by the cats. I said hi to them and told them how much I missed them, found out I don't have the Internet as usual, and watched porn (omfg, I miss having sex). I went to sleep right away. I wonder when I'll be able to post this? I'm posting from my parents' house. Here are some more pictures! ( Plus nineteen. ) I'm so miserable being back here. I'm talking to Tara. I miss her so much. I'm so sick of feeling hurt. You ever see that guy who won the lottery, then found out he didn't? I feel like him, every single day and night. 6 comments|post comment

Last day at SUNY Purchase, NYC again, and first night in Philadelphia! [13 Oct 2009|05:06pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Janis Joplin, on vinyl! ] I'm sitting at a cute little place called Cafe Grindstone in the heart of Philadelphia right now, around the corner from South Street, sucking down a delicious vegan chocolate milkshake. As of five minutes ago, I was left alone by Berlin, my awesome punk friend from the Internet. She has a life, so she had to leave me a stray for a couple hours, leaving me room to explore on my own. Before I even start, I absolutely need to write, though. The weather is surprisingly nice and I'm beginning to feel as though I'm running away from the cold northern air coming from wherever it comes from. The cute girl working the cafe with bleach-blonde hair, Tara glasses, and vintage apparel just asked me if I had any rolling papers. Written on a random payphone in Manhattan. Sunday was a lazy day. At least for me, it was. It seemed everyone on campus was catching up on stuff they should have done a lot sooner. I just kinda followed Julie around. She made us some stir fry of tofu, aminos, kale, zucchini (I called it cucumber in my last entry, since I'm vegetable-retarded), and pasta. She did homework and on-and-off procrastinated, between telling me things I didn't know. She's an endless source of information. If I was in school, I'd want her to be my teacher. I could probably listen to her talk for hours. We ended up going to the natural science lab to use computers, since she had to make a map or something. We ran into some of the other members of PUSH who were scrounging to finish up the editing and printing process for the newsletter they were putting out. I sat and did lame stuff like checking my MySpace, Facebook, LiveJournal, and Hotmail. I talked to Kara over AIM Express while literally everyone behind me talked about drugs. I preferred when they were talking about something I could relate to, like anal prolapses and fisting. Steve joined us and did as much nothing as I was doing. I started talking to Kara and, since she's the person I open up to, wound up putting some of my feelings to words finally, which just wound up making me all depressed. I was surrounded by pretty girls (with brains to boot), drug aficionados, and people in multiple relationships. Fun, affection, and opportunity surrounding their daily lives. And, like, I started thinking about how not only there, but more specifically back at home, I didn't have friends with benefits. I didn't even have friends. And I felt pathetic for not, like, coming to this college, crashing parties, and making out with cute girls after latenight conversations about apartheid and Obama and life. One thing I wish I had the opportunity to share while on this trip was deep conversations and make-out sessions with interesting, beautiful strangers. But because I am ugly, that just isn't possible. And it sorta sucked. And it all brings me back to the fact that Tara is somewhere with someone, having fun, probably flirting with and fucking other guys, not even remembering that we shared six months of our lives together. Such a depressing thought. Human beings interacting physically and verbally provokes the deepest, most intense electric surges to shoot through our bodies. Just hands gently touching hands is enough to cause a dizzying euphoria and childlike excitement in the most mature and conservative. I have no idea why everyone in the world isn't running around and trying it. It's usually free and you don't even need a syringe to inject it into yourself! Everyone eventually left but me, Julie, and Steve. I looked at dead people online and went through a couple pages on Digg to pass the time. Joe showed up and gave Julie a back massage and I spent the rest of the night watching him try to ease his way into her good graces. Near 2, we headed back to her apartment. Steve had to go back to his dorm for the night. It was fucking freezing out. I think it was the first night of the year I could see my own breath. I went and put my laundry in the dryer, along with Julie's blanket that my socks had tainted. I laid on the cramped couch and read, while Joe and Julie had deep conversation over White Russians. I finally finished Evasion and was pumped more than ever before to live the life I want to live. I started packing to leave the next day and after they retreated for sleep, I did the same, after a half hour or beginning to read Into the Wild. I woke up right before noon hit, somehow, after falling asleep closer to 6AM than I should have. I woke Julie up, who was about to be running late for class. I didn't know what I was going to do for the day. So I just sat there. When she left, I posted a sign on the fridge saying, "Thank you for being so nice to me, ladies! I love you all!" and did their dishes for them. I made myself vegan raviolis for lunch and grabbed a Pepsi from the food court one last time. I was going to miss this place so fucking much. I sat on Julie's laptop and figured out the schedule for my day. A free Purchase bus to White Plains at 4:43. An MTA train to Grand Central from there for $7 at 5:22. I got to see Julie one last time. We talked a little bit and hugged one last time before she had to leave for something collegiate. I called Steve in hopes of being able to hang out one more time, but he wasn't able to due to classes. So I returned to the couch and took a nap until 4:30. Got up, zipped up, and put Dead Prez on my headphones to go wait for the bus. I was planning on sleeping on the train back to New York City, but the overwhelming amount of amazing graffiti from all the greats kept me distracted. We passed though Harlem, one part of New York I've never had the balls to explore. Mostly because Immortal Technique just makes it sound so fucking scary and tough. I got off the train into Grand Central and tried to figure out my next move. I need to get to W Houston St. to Film Forum, a theater dedicated to premiering independent film, for one of the last screenings of The Yes Men Fix the World. I stood at some yuppie building and checked out my map of the subway, then decided that I had enough time to walk there. I walked something like forty blocks to this street, which lead me back to the library I slept outside of and Greenwich Village. I found a loaf of sesame bread on the ground and ate it since I needed energy. My head began to hurt, so I stopped by a CVS and got Pepsi to help me down some more Sudafed and Tylenol. They did nothing for the pain and it only worsened as I kept walking. I got to the theater in time and waited in line with cute older people from Woodstock. I got a good seat and the show actually wound up selling out. The film was hilarious, of course, but more importantly, it was important. Through their pranks, hoaxes, and publicity stunts at large corporate events, posing as real leaders of billionaire corporations, they revealed what these evil businesses could be doing. Everything they did was a small success in helping get the media to cover something otherwise forgotten, and woke people up to what the world could be. I liked it a lot. Even if I had to sit through it with the worst headache of my life, which pounded with so much excruciating pain that I felt like I'd puke at any moment. After the screening, Andy Bichlbaum and his partner did a Q&A. It was all very interesting and they're very funny, courageous guys. I walked out and downed the rest of the Tylenol I had left and then got free copies of the fake issues of The New York Times and New York Post the Yes Men had published over 100,000 copies of to hand out through New York City, with fake headlines such as, "IRAQ WAR ENDS!" and other examples of wishful thinking. I figured out directions to the Chinatown Bus and started walking. It took me about forty minutes to get there. I went in, got my $12 ticket to Philadelphia, tagged the bathroom wall with my new moniker, and stood outside, just as three dirty people set up instruments and began to play amazing folk music. One guy with a ukulele, kazoo, and harmonic, a cute girl with face tattoos and a bow playing a singing saw, and a dreaded dude playing the buckets and cans as drums. They played four songs and were ridiculously good. I talked to them all afterward and talked briefly about DIY traveling, since they had been hitchhiking and trainhopping around. The girl's name was Charlie. She was a dream come true: a dirty girl with face tattooes, playing the singing saw and hitchhking to Seattle all by herself. Bad-ass in every way possible. I told her how cute she was, especially after I found out her name was Charlie. She told me to give her my hand, so I did, and she painted it with some polish and said, "Now you'll smell me on the rest of your travels!" She smelled of organic natural food and trains. Nothing better than that. And somehow just what she put on the back of my hand, and maybe thanks to the hug we shared, my entire body smelled like her. The guy with dreads told me to put the video footage I got of them playing under the name 'Kitti Sprinkles'. I got onto my bus and slept during the two-hour drive. I called Berlin once I got off and she gave me directions to her house. Fifteen minutes later, we met and she let me upstairs into her house, which is located upstairs from the natural foods store her mother owns. She made me vegan sloppy joes on toasted buns and then we walked to the 7-11 for drinks. She even said I could stay overnight! It was awesome. I got to meet her mother real quick who was woken up by the tasty aromas and she was just the cutest mom ever. I got to meet some of her cats, too. Berlin is punk in all its glory, with bright pink hair, homemade tattoos, and pictures of Wendy O. Williams, The Germs, and The Dickies plastered on her walls. Inscents was burning in her room and it brought me back to Middle School right away. We stayed up until after 4 in the morning, just talking. It was fantastic. She woke me up from her comfortable bed today around 1 or so. I wasn't ready to wake up, but who am I to complain? She took me to a place to make me try the 'best vegan chocolate chip cookies ever' (which, by the way, they were) and then we went to Gianna's Grille for pizza. But they were out of vegan cheese, so I got a vegan chili cheeseburger instead. One of the most awesome vegan burgers ever, I assure you. Oh, and I bought a Coke. Kill me now. I need to confess my guilt here. I deserve the bashing by all means, so feel free to let loose on me. It won't happen again. She walked me to this cafe because I needed free Wi-Fi. It's so comfortable in here, other than the awkward yuppie at a laptop singing along to Nirvana. Philly seems so united. Everyone says hi to everyone on a first-name basis. As of right now, I have a little over $80 left in my wallet and five crazy pills left. So I guess I'll be going home this week. I can't stay at Berlin's tonight, so I'll be sleeping on the streets. Shortly after I post this, I have plans to check out the thrift store and a dinosaur museum. I can still smell Charlie all over me. 6 comments|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]